1_21Guns
November 15th, 2009, 06:45 AM
its every damned weekend. my mum has a drink (she's not drunk, but i can tell she's had a drink, she just gets louder and tells me stuff about her past and my dad) and because of this, i've learnt more about my dads past than perhaps wish i knew. i don't know what i want anymore. a few months ago i wanted to find out anything i could, just to know why he was the way he was. the latest one was that he's an ex-junkie. something that was hard for me to swallow. i think thats something only me and my mum know as far as my mums side of the family is concerned. i don't know why it was so hard for me to take. it just was.
i guess that wasn't the worst of whats happened at the moment. i snapped at most of my friends last sunday for singing christmas songs. i knew i didn't like it, but snapping the way i did is something i havent done in a long time. one minute i was taking it as a joke, the next i'd turned around said 'it isnt fucking funny!' and was storming down the road. i think it was as much of a shock to me as it was to them. i hope i'm not going back to who i used to be. that will kill me. i cant go back to that person. snapping at my friends and family for nothing. breaking down at random. it drove me mad for years. i had no-one to talk to then, i had nothing. so it got that bad. i cant be her again.
then i guess theres the stupidest thing i've done in a while. last friday, walking out of the double metal doors at school, a girl opens one straight into my spine and quite a force. it hurt, alot. then my legs started playing up and hurting. i then had to walk home. a 15-20 minute walk. but i dont even think that pain was the reason i did a stupid thing. the emotional pain just drowned me, and i took 16 200mg ibuprofen. i knew it wouldnt kill me, and it was something i did a few years ago now. i just wanted the pain to stop. but it wouldnt go. it never goes.
sorry for the essay, 3 things happened that i didn't post about, and i didnt want to post 3 posts around the place seemed easier to do them all at once.
i guess that wasn't the worst of whats happened at the moment. i snapped at most of my friends last sunday for singing christmas songs. i knew i didn't like it, but snapping the way i did is something i havent done in a long time. one minute i was taking it as a joke, the next i'd turned around said 'it isnt fucking funny!' and was storming down the road. i think it was as much of a shock to me as it was to them. i hope i'm not going back to who i used to be. that will kill me. i cant go back to that person. snapping at my friends and family for nothing. breaking down at random. it drove me mad for years. i had no-one to talk to then, i had nothing. so it got that bad. i cant be her again.
then i guess theres the stupidest thing i've done in a while. last friday, walking out of the double metal doors at school, a girl opens one straight into my spine and quite a force. it hurt, alot. then my legs started playing up and hurting. i then had to walk home. a 15-20 minute walk. but i dont even think that pain was the reason i did a stupid thing. the emotional pain just drowned me, and i took 16 200mg ibuprofen. i knew it wouldnt kill me, and it was something i did a few years ago now. i just wanted the pain to stop. but it wouldnt go. it never goes.
sorry for the essay, 3 things happened that i didn't post about, and i didnt want to post 3 posts around the place seemed easier to do them all at once.