Sheekthief
November 14th, 2009, 10:13 AM
I think i should introduce myself before you read the drama and life crisis, well, My name is Zack, I'm 18 born on October 27, 1991. I was born and raised here in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, it's my home, my place i can't see me leaving. Please, read whats been inside my mind for YEARS, as i cannot find a way or a solution of "letting go".
I'll start from where my life first started to get bad, I was about 11, on October 26th, 2003 sitting and enjoying an amazing night with my parents and family, we were all watching Big Brother, and we got a phone call from my Step Dad (Legal Guardian) that he was first to be contacted of Me, My Family and Him, and he had already been at the air port on the way to the hospital to which my Grandpa had been placed inside a coma, He fell from a high object at work and knocked the back of his head off something or landed straight on the ground, Once my step dad was at the hospital, they kept him on Life Support for his birthday, so he could see his father before his passing.. My Step Dad called us about 11.30 - 12.00am about his accident/death and my mom broke down into tears. me, my brother, and my sister didn't know what was wrong, So, we did what was said, we rushed out of the house the exact night before my 12th b-day we drove as fast as we could, taking no breaks or stops, we were passing through Montreal, Canada when my Step dad called my moms cell, and informed us that they took him off Life Support and he had passed away, and that we should just head to our grandma's house in Parry Sound, Ontario, Canada. So we did, and we all gathered the WHOLE ENTIRE family, for the funeral. After the funeral, everyone followed the people carry the coffin he was in, into those funeral cars and we all watched them drive away, I was a strong person at first, but about a few minutes after, I cried my eyes, my heart, and my life out. My grandpa was everything to me, he ment the world & so much more to me, No one could understand, feel, or read the pain i was in, like he could, he died so sudden, and i didn't even get to see him 1 last time before his death, to this day, this will ALWAYS be on my mind and i'll ALWAYS be crying in remembrance of him, i just, want to tell him, I love him, but i can't, & i know we all lose people, but, I just can't let go..
as my life started to go on, I became some what emotionally hurt from almost everything, almost as if i was depressed bi polar kid, my parents became hard addicts of alcohol, and me and my brother and sister started turning into enemies, threats and actions were caused, When i was littler like maybe 7 or 8, my mom was really really abusive, and she was dating my step dad, and he was sent to war for the Navy, so my mom didn't know how to handle anything after he left, She had beaten my sister and made her go to school with bloody noses, bruises, and everything, She beaten my brother with lamps and her fists, I felt so useless, so weak, but apparently i was the special one, i was never abused physically, only mentally. After my sister took action, I was the one to suffer, I WAS THE ONE to get sent to foster homes, and child care, because i was the youngest, and the weakest, Eventually, my mom got better, and re gained the judges trust to take me back, Now that my brother is older, more successful, stronger and has a strong education, he's living with his girlfriend and friends in a University phrat house i believe, but he's starting to look out for me and watch me now, my sister also lives alone in her own apartment, successful, has a boyfriend, and a good life, me, I'm single, living with my mom, working for a grocery store called Sobeys, i pay for our Cable, Internet, and Phone, and have it all in my name, even the power. But, all in all, i don't know what to do, i feel weak, i feel lonely, and shattered that the past i couldn't do anything for anyone.
When i was about maybe 14 or 15, i became really really obsessed with things to keep me indoors, such as video games, computers, movies, television, etc.. I was never a normal kid, but before i got an obsessive personality i had a life, i was a outsider, always. But, I don't even know if i'm gay, straight or bi yet, & i'm 18. Reason for that, I can never move forward or progress into life, facing lifes reality and dangers head on cause i'm to much of a sissy to get out there and experience whats left of my life. My mom took me to a doctor because i'm so secretive about my life that i been hiding everything in, My mom went to the doctors because i was spending too much time and to much of my life being in the Online Cyber world, My marks in school are flunking almost, & my self esteem is completely shattered, I don't have anything left in me, I live my life day in and day out doing whats needed and expected of me, But of all things, My mind is to make me believe that i'm Gay because i spend ALL of my time and life mostly online, talking with guys, online video gaming with guys, helping other guys out with homework, their own problems, and just sharing pictures of events and moments with other guys (no sexual pics were shared btw) I don't even know if this is worth typing, but, I been doing a bit better, I been getting out a little more, i gained a small group of best friends, & i am trying to do better, but i'm not doing very well.
I just wish this whole life of pain would ease up a bit, let me have a mind of my own, a life of my own, and let me be strong. My mom has a alcohol problem still to this day as she only had drunk abusive boyfriends all her life, i know of 3 drunk boyfriends she's had, and keeps going back to.. back and forth time after time, I can't say anything or do anything because i love my mom, i really do, but at times, she drives me right off the walls with anger and frustration, I love and want to keep my moms happiness with her, and making sure she's having fun in her life still, but, i am still to weak to speak up for myself, and do whats right, She recently JUST broke up with a drunk boyfriend named Jimmy Royale, she dated him for about 4 years, but in that time, they broke up and got back together like 2000000 times.. My mom also recently got fired from her job when she was almost a manager of the store, she was accused for stealing $1.00.. ONE FUCKING DOLLAR from a coffee shop, she didn't steal, she doesn't steal, and she's getting lost without a job, & she's also starting to go back to this Jimmy after he's WRECKED everything about my moms life, he says he loves me and wants me to see him as a father, but i look at what he's done to my mom.. i just nod and walk away..
ANYWAYS, i don't wanna share everything of my life online, but i thought i'd vent and maybe try to see if one or many can relate, understand and see if they feel my pain, Pressure on me only keeps getting hard, and my life is always going down hill, I am waiting for a life changing miracle..
I'll start from where my life first started to get bad, I was about 11, on October 26th, 2003 sitting and enjoying an amazing night with my parents and family, we were all watching Big Brother, and we got a phone call from my Step Dad (Legal Guardian) that he was first to be contacted of Me, My Family and Him, and he had already been at the air port on the way to the hospital to which my Grandpa had been placed inside a coma, He fell from a high object at work and knocked the back of his head off something or landed straight on the ground, Once my step dad was at the hospital, they kept him on Life Support for his birthday, so he could see his father before his passing.. My Step Dad called us about 11.30 - 12.00am about his accident/death and my mom broke down into tears. me, my brother, and my sister didn't know what was wrong, So, we did what was said, we rushed out of the house the exact night before my 12th b-day we drove as fast as we could, taking no breaks or stops, we were passing through Montreal, Canada when my Step dad called my moms cell, and informed us that they took him off Life Support and he had passed away, and that we should just head to our grandma's house in Parry Sound, Ontario, Canada. So we did, and we all gathered the WHOLE ENTIRE family, for the funeral. After the funeral, everyone followed the people carry the coffin he was in, into those funeral cars and we all watched them drive away, I was a strong person at first, but about a few minutes after, I cried my eyes, my heart, and my life out. My grandpa was everything to me, he ment the world & so much more to me, No one could understand, feel, or read the pain i was in, like he could, he died so sudden, and i didn't even get to see him 1 last time before his death, to this day, this will ALWAYS be on my mind and i'll ALWAYS be crying in remembrance of him, i just, want to tell him, I love him, but i can't, & i know we all lose people, but, I just can't let go..
as my life started to go on, I became some what emotionally hurt from almost everything, almost as if i was depressed bi polar kid, my parents became hard addicts of alcohol, and me and my brother and sister started turning into enemies, threats and actions were caused, When i was littler like maybe 7 or 8, my mom was really really abusive, and she was dating my step dad, and he was sent to war for the Navy, so my mom didn't know how to handle anything after he left, She had beaten my sister and made her go to school with bloody noses, bruises, and everything, She beaten my brother with lamps and her fists, I felt so useless, so weak, but apparently i was the special one, i was never abused physically, only mentally. After my sister took action, I was the one to suffer, I WAS THE ONE to get sent to foster homes, and child care, because i was the youngest, and the weakest, Eventually, my mom got better, and re gained the judges trust to take me back, Now that my brother is older, more successful, stronger and has a strong education, he's living with his girlfriend and friends in a University phrat house i believe, but he's starting to look out for me and watch me now, my sister also lives alone in her own apartment, successful, has a boyfriend, and a good life, me, I'm single, living with my mom, working for a grocery store called Sobeys, i pay for our Cable, Internet, and Phone, and have it all in my name, even the power. But, all in all, i don't know what to do, i feel weak, i feel lonely, and shattered that the past i couldn't do anything for anyone.
When i was about maybe 14 or 15, i became really really obsessed with things to keep me indoors, such as video games, computers, movies, television, etc.. I was never a normal kid, but before i got an obsessive personality i had a life, i was a outsider, always. But, I don't even know if i'm gay, straight or bi yet, & i'm 18. Reason for that, I can never move forward or progress into life, facing lifes reality and dangers head on cause i'm to much of a sissy to get out there and experience whats left of my life. My mom took me to a doctor because i'm so secretive about my life that i been hiding everything in, My mom went to the doctors because i was spending too much time and to much of my life being in the Online Cyber world, My marks in school are flunking almost, & my self esteem is completely shattered, I don't have anything left in me, I live my life day in and day out doing whats needed and expected of me, But of all things, My mind is to make me believe that i'm Gay because i spend ALL of my time and life mostly online, talking with guys, online video gaming with guys, helping other guys out with homework, their own problems, and just sharing pictures of events and moments with other guys (no sexual pics were shared btw) I don't even know if this is worth typing, but, I been doing a bit better, I been getting out a little more, i gained a small group of best friends, & i am trying to do better, but i'm not doing very well.
I just wish this whole life of pain would ease up a bit, let me have a mind of my own, a life of my own, and let me be strong. My mom has a alcohol problem still to this day as she only had drunk abusive boyfriends all her life, i know of 3 drunk boyfriends she's had, and keeps going back to.. back and forth time after time, I can't say anything or do anything because i love my mom, i really do, but at times, she drives me right off the walls with anger and frustration, I love and want to keep my moms happiness with her, and making sure she's having fun in her life still, but, i am still to weak to speak up for myself, and do whats right, She recently JUST broke up with a drunk boyfriend named Jimmy Royale, she dated him for about 4 years, but in that time, they broke up and got back together like 2000000 times.. My mom also recently got fired from her job when she was almost a manager of the store, she was accused for stealing $1.00.. ONE FUCKING DOLLAR from a coffee shop, she didn't steal, she doesn't steal, and she's getting lost without a job, & she's also starting to go back to this Jimmy after he's WRECKED everything about my moms life, he says he loves me and wants me to see him as a father, but i look at what he's done to my mom.. i just nod and walk away..
ANYWAYS, i don't wanna share everything of my life online, but i thought i'd vent and maybe try to see if one or many can relate, understand and see if they feel my pain, Pressure on me only keeps getting hard, and my life is always going down hill, I am waiting for a life changing miracle..