Meritis
April 27th, 2006, 09:43 PM
I've been lying to myself for the past 7 years, saying I would be an idol, someone special. I thought I had a purpose in life, a unique one. Now comes the question, why did I think that?
My control over my personal emotions was astounding, as my doctor said. He called me a phenomenon, as I could control myself as much as needed, so much mental vision in me, so much understanding.
Now, my issue.
I fooled myself. I suffered terrible losses, and thought I would live. I was a madman, in a school of hell. The school, basically, my problem was with racist idiots. These idiots had turned the whole school practically into a racist zone. They used to piss me off for being different. They took my glasses and dumped them down the toilet. My schoolbooks, ripped into shreds. It was madness, encircling me, feeding me, gnawing at me.
Sometimes, I would be thrust into furiating rage, as if everything could be solved by crushing someone's bones. And sometimes I would be so calm, as if every detail in life had an understanding.
It's as if everything could be taken from me, and I wouldn't care. For those 5 seconds of anger, a brick wall of anger would sprout dividing justice from hate.
And now, I'm scared of not anyone else, but myself. I'm scared about not being able to think when fury takes me over. It's a fear of losing yourself, your mind.
My control over my personal emotions was astounding, as my doctor said. He called me a phenomenon, as I could control myself as much as needed, so much mental vision in me, so much understanding.
Now, my issue.
I fooled myself. I suffered terrible losses, and thought I would live. I was a madman, in a school of hell. The school, basically, my problem was with racist idiots. These idiots had turned the whole school practically into a racist zone. They used to piss me off for being different. They took my glasses and dumped them down the toilet. My schoolbooks, ripped into shreds. It was madness, encircling me, feeding me, gnawing at me.
Sometimes, I would be thrust into furiating rage, as if everything could be solved by crushing someone's bones. And sometimes I would be so calm, as if every detail in life had an understanding.
It's as if everything could be taken from me, and I wouldn't care. For those 5 seconds of anger, a brick wall of anger would sprout dividing justice from hate.
And now, I'm scared of not anyone else, but myself. I'm scared about not being able to think when fury takes me over. It's a fear of losing yourself, your mind.