PinkGrass
November 2nd, 2009, 03:59 PM
I wanted to share my story with you as probably nobody else will listen to me and now I think I'm in depression again so I just wanted to tell someone how i feel and why I want to self-harm again. I never told anyone my story.That's the first time I'm getting it out off me.
My story starts when I was about 12 , that one night in my house, my family were having a massive and horrible argument. I was used to my parents shouting and I was crying nearly every night but that night I just broke. I saw a circul drawer on my desk and I picked it up. I started scratching it against my arm. That day I didn't know still what self-harm was. I just done one scratch/cut and I felt better so i kept doing it. It was all over my arm. I didn't bleed much but I felt much better. Next day my dad noticed and asked me about it. I didn't know I was doing wrong and I didn't even know that there was something like self-harming. He started shouting at me and told me to never do it again. The cuts I had healed and there was no scars. But as soon as something in my life was wrong again I reminded myself of that night and I done it again. I just wanted to feel better. When I found out that my parents wanted to move conutries I fell into depression. I started cutting again. The cuts weren't deep but were giving me a wonderfull feelings. I didn't tell anyone at that time. I was hiding it so well. Hiding the pain behind the smile.When people asked if I was okay I always played the game and said 'Yes, I'm fine'. When i finally moved countries I got evern worse as I just wanted to go back. I had noone and my parents didn't support me. They always used to say that I'm not the only one that feels bad, or that they are too tired to talk to me. I felt that I'm on my own. I was alone and I didn't get on with people around me and then someone found out in my school that I self-harmed. At that time I was only 14. People in school were calling me 'emo' and laughing at me. Making fun of me becaue I suffered. I stopped self-harming as I wanted them to stop laughing at me. Then about several months later I got with someone but I felt in love, unfortunatly that person made me feel even more lonely. I was scared to lose that person. I slef-harmed again. Just a few cuts. I faced him and told him about it. He couln't take it as I became a problem. I wasn't only a sex toy anymore I was a problem he decided to get rid of me. I was only 14/15. I was left on my own. I was depressed for about 5 months time. I self-harmed. But it was only a scratches or I used to punch something. That part of my life left me with no scars. I met someone again. It was a short and not worth even a single tear relatiuonship. I was 15 at that time. But the feeling that I got felt for someone else because they were better made me cut and cry. I scared cutting my legs as that was that part of a body that on one would see. It was easy to hide it. I also started drinking alcohol and getting drunk to feel better as when I was drunk everything was better. Then I got with someone again. He wa about 7 years older than me. He used to emotinally abuse me. That made me cut everyday, few times a day. Scratches or bruises weren't good enough anymore. I had to cut so deep that I would see lots of blood. I was in love with him. He used to tell me how pathetic and sick I was. And I believed him. One night I asked me best friend for help. That was the first time I asked for help about self harm. She started shouting on me and told him. For about 3 hours he was shouting on me about it. I broke down. I was blamed for his drinking problem and told that I should die as I'm not worth anything. That night I managed to finish with him. I almost had alcohol poisoning. I drunk too much. After that night I wanted to get better I wanted to proof to myself that I was worth something. I stopped self-harming and drinking. Last year of my life was the hardest one. I felt out with my parents, my mom used to call me a stupid fucked up whore everyday and hate me. I was so scared. All I had was a razorblade. The scars were stil there so I thought that if I have more scars it won't matter because they are already there. Then my grandad died. The quilt I felt when they told me was so big that I couldn't just cope with it. Because I blamed myself for not caring for him and never saying goodbye. I got better for a month time. Then my mom decided to ruine everything. She told me that she wanted to kick out my dad and she wanted me to help her with that. I broke down. And added some more scars to my body. At this moment I'm with the most amazing person ever. I try not to self-harm or cry again as I know he doesn't want me to but at this moment while I'm writing it, I feel like I want to go back to it. I got more than 120 scars on my body. Most of them are going away.
Thank you for spending your time reading it.
At this moment I'm doing a project for a advert based on self-harm as if at least I can help one person it'll be worth a try.
My story starts when I was about 12 , that one night in my house, my family were having a massive and horrible argument. I was used to my parents shouting and I was crying nearly every night but that night I just broke. I saw a circul drawer on my desk and I picked it up. I started scratching it against my arm. That day I didn't know still what self-harm was. I just done one scratch/cut and I felt better so i kept doing it. It was all over my arm. I didn't bleed much but I felt much better. Next day my dad noticed and asked me about it. I didn't know I was doing wrong and I didn't even know that there was something like self-harming. He started shouting at me and told me to never do it again. The cuts I had healed and there was no scars. But as soon as something in my life was wrong again I reminded myself of that night and I done it again. I just wanted to feel better. When I found out that my parents wanted to move conutries I fell into depression. I started cutting again. The cuts weren't deep but were giving me a wonderfull feelings. I didn't tell anyone at that time. I was hiding it so well. Hiding the pain behind the smile.When people asked if I was okay I always played the game and said 'Yes, I'm fine'. When i finally moved countries I got evern worse as I just wanted to go back. I had noone and my parents didn't support me. They always used to say that I'm not the only one that feels bad, or that they are too tired to talk to me. I felt that I'm on my own. I was alone and I didn't get on with people around me and then someone found out in my school that I self-harmed. At that time I was only 14. People in school were calling me 'emo' and laughing at me. Making fun of me becaue I suffered. I stopped self-harming as I wanted them to stop laughing at me. Then about several months later I got with someone but I felt in love, unfortunatly that person made me feel even more lonely. I was scared to lose that person. I slef-harmed again. Just a few cuts. I faced him and told him about it. He couln't take it as I became a problem. I wasn't only a sex toy anymore I was a problem he decided to get rid of me. I was only 14/15. I was left on my own. I was depressed for about 5 months time. I self-harmed. But it was only a scratches or I used to punch something. That part of my life left me with no scars. I met someone again. It was a short and not worth even a single tear relatiuonship. I was 15 at that time. But the feeling that I got felt for someone else because they were better made me cut and cry. I scared cutting my legs as that was that part of a body that on one would see. It was easy to hide it. I also started drinking alcohol and getting drunk to feel better as when I was drunk everything was better. Then I got with someone again. He wa about 7 years older than me. He used to emotinally abuse me. That made me cut everyday, few times a day. Scratches or bruises weren't good enough anymore. I had to cut so deep that I would see lots of blood. I was in love with him. He used to tell me how pathetic and sick I was. And I believed him. One night I asked me best friend for help. That was the first time I asked for help about self harm. She started shouting on me and told him. For about 3 hours he was shouting on me about it. I broke down. I was blamed for his drinking problem and told that I should die as I'm not worth anything. That night I managed to finish with him. I almost had alcohol poisoning. I drunk too much. After that night I wanted to get better I wanted to proof to myself that I was worth something. I stopped self-harming and drinking. Last year of my life was the hardest one. I felt out with my parents, my mom used to call me a stupid fucked up whore everyday and hate me. I was so scared. All I had was a razorblade. The scars were stil there so I thought that if I have more scars it won't matter because they are already there. Then my grandad died. The quilt I felt when they told me was so big that I couldn't just cope with it. Because I blamed myself for not caring for him and never saying goodbye. I got better for a month time. Then my mom decided to ruine everything. She told me that she wanted to kick out my dad and she wanted me to help her with that. I broke down. And added some more scars to my body. At this moment I'm with the most amazing person ever. I try not to self-harm or cry again as I know he doesn't want me to but at this moment while I'm writing it, I feel like I want to go back to it. I got more than 120 scars on my body. Most of them are going away.
Thank you for spending your time reading it.
At this moment I'm doing a project for a advert based on self-harm as if at least I can help one person it'll be worth a try.