feel so depressed please help :P

[confuzed]

Hi, i am 19 and am really confused... i really enjoy life but i feel like i have this depression which undermines it and f*'s everything up...

Ive always feared being gay, but pretty much always had homosexual crushes.. I'm not physically attracted to guys at all... In fact they discust me.. I am attracted to the female body and love girls company.. but at the moment I am bugged out and feel worried that I can't get the same pysichal attraction for girls as i get emotionally for guys...

Sometimes my mind is flooded with images that I think I tried too hard to repress... now they run rampart and ruin moments where I wish they just simply wernt there... like i feel like they intrude my life...

I had a best friend for about 3 years, he turned out to be flamboyantly gay.. during our friendship we wud talk dirty about girls, but never anything gay.. I felt so strongly for him.. but i found myself really angry and confused with my emotions.. I became homophobic.. we fell out as I found a different group of friends and, about a year later he came out.. I never really spoke to him again, and as far as i showed and everyone thought, i hated him, but deep down it was the opposite.. it was a huge secret.. at the same time i have never been comfortable with my sexual orientation, and it has confused the f*k out of me...

the thought 'suicide' drifts into my head a little too often, there is no motivation behind it.. as i love life... but i feel so at war with my sexual orientaion that sometimes it wud be better to end it... but i know i never could.. bcuz i love life 2 much and my family and friends..

I have changed now.. im no longer homophobic and i accept all people for who they are, i love making friends and just being easy going..

I also have some femenim mannerisms but i feel comfortable enough not to hide them.. i am begining to think about coming out about my situation... no1 in the world no's my situation.. and just the constant repressing has become a mind f*ck.. i think i just need to tell som1.. hey.. i sexually confused..

last week i took ecstasy for the first time, i had a great night with some older girls hu looked after me. it was a big thing for me cos i was always worried if i did it id od or something.. ive always steered clear and avoided drugs although i did a bit of weed when i was 13/14, but not alot.. but the last 8 days since i took it Ive been feeling miserable and shit about my life... the main focus of my misery is my sexual confusion... i don't to have these confused feelings.. i want to be straight and have a girlfriend.. i am attracted to girls and love female company.. but i fear that i lack desire sometimes to take the next step.. I think this might be due to lack of experience and confidence...

i don't think that i am gay.. just different.. i think I'm going through a stage where I'm finally ready to except myself for who i am, and just live life, like wtf... im getting over this depression...

I dont know.. i just need to blurt out some of my life long suppressed emotions and thoughts.. im thinking of seeing a councellor soon as i am very unhealthy at the moment too... smoke way to many cigi's work alot... go to bed anytime between 2-7am and sleep all day.. i work full time so that can get stressfull.. Im also feeling atm like im getting bored of life...

starting to feel abit better tho...

i guess i just need to talk.. something ive never done.. hope this made any sense to some1..

hope this was'nt too long and it will be riddled with typos...

=]

[The Harlequin]

Dude, you probably don't want to hear this but...

Would it be so bad for you to experiment? Even if it was just once, that might help you re-affirm where you stand on this issue. And evidently the ecstacy is NOT helping you if you're depressed, you ought to draw a line under that ~ I know it's easier said than done, but with you smoking, doing drugs (I'm assuming you drink ~ nothing wrong with that) and above all working so hard, you're seriously tempting fate. Remember ~ you can have a good time without drugs.

You know this, which is why you're goin to see your doctor, but they'll probably tell you the same thing: Quit. Exercise. Eat healthily.

And as for the sexuality worries, you're no different to every other guy on the planet ~ we're all curious at some stage, at least you'll know for sure if you just try. I mean ~ you're 19, it isn't like you're at High School and gonna get the s**t kicked out of you for discovering who you are.

You don't have to continue like this, but it is down to you to make the change...

Hope this helped, mate (:^,

[confuzed]

That has helped a lot i appreciate it..
I was doing a lot of thinking last night.. and I agree with what you said.. i just need to experiment to find out what I like.. Last night after typing what i typed i felt a massive weight come off my shoulder and i was actually feeling clear headed.. and laughing to myself about the whole situation..
Anyway I always feel most comfortable with myself when I'm charged up and listening to music.. For an hour I thought haha, just talking conversations thru in my head of me telling people my situation.. I also want to talk to bi- and gay ppl i know.. just talk about shit.. It felt like yesterday i cud just start talking about it to people.. but it might take a while.. I think ill wait for the right moment.. think ill start by just talking to a councilor..

thanks a lot for ur help

[TheKingDavis]

but the last 8 days since i took it Ive been feeling miserable and shit about my life... the main focus of my misery is my sexual confusion... i don't to have these confused feelings.. i want to be straight and have a girlfriend.. i am attracted to girls and love female company.. but i fear that i lack desire sometimes to take the next step.. I think this might be due to lack of experience and confidence...


ok im not positive on this, but i know the effects of E last awhile, at first it gets you high and then it gets you way way way down (no pun intended) idk how long the downer lasts tho :what:

[confuzed]

^^ yeah my friend hu i took it with said it might last for up to 3 weeks.. :S
feeling better tho..
effects change from person to person tho i guess