xofelf
October 28th, 2009, 09:17 AM
I was recently informed of this forum by shattered soul, and i wish that i had know this place existed a couple years back. Would have helped amazingly.
And here's my story, as jumbled and all over the place it may be, it's time for me to share it elsewhere so i can accept it and not keep on forgetting about it.
In order to do so, some background is needed. When i was 7 years old, my dad died of a heart attack. I've always been a very smart girl, so i knew no matter how they tried to sugar-coat things, what had really happened.
I have two older sisters from my father's first marriage and an older brother from my mother's first marriage. My older sister's mother was a drunk and abusive. One of her boyfriends sexually abused my sisters. Well, right about the time i was 8, we found out that they had been sexually abusing my older brother. I don't know if it happened to me as well as i have no memories of it. But it's very possible.
Until i was 11, my mother had multiple personalities. She was a victim of satanic ritual abuse by her father. So for the most part, i didn't really have a mother, i more had a playmate as all of the other identities were children.
My mother remarried when i was 13. I don't mind my stepdad. But we have never gotten along because of how forceful our personalities are.
And we moved to a different area, so i was the new girl in freshman year of high school. I was picked on just about every day that year. it was a rare night that i didn't go home crying.
So most of my life i have had depression, and i have been on depression meds. i know alot of them better than the psychiatrists that prescribe them as i've been on them.
Alright, now to get to reason why this thread is in the section. You know how kids like to take safety pins and stick them through the first layer of skin on their fingers? well, i did something similar. though it was more scratching the back of my hands and inside my wrists with needles or pins until it bled. It was also done in such a way it could be explained away by it being a cat scratch or thorns or something natural like that.
When you have as much pain as i did that you don't feel you can control any of it, then you find a pain you can control. that is at your beck and call. It's not that i ever wanted to die, oh far from it. I just wanted to feel again.
There are no scars from any of that, there was never meant to be. but there is one scar that runs from in between my thumb and pointer finger and wraps around my wrist. Until recently i couldn't remember what it was from. At one point, my brother had his Xacto knife laying around, and pins and needles were not enough. And again, only deep enough to bleed. I don't remember how i passed that one off, but i managed it.
I always made sure to not get caught. Because i was afraid my mother would have me taken away. That i would be put on more medications. that i would have to see more psychiatrists and counselers that would talk to me like i didn't know what they were doing. That i didn't know all the textbook definitions for the mood disorders(which i do. I don't like being catergorized.. i refuse to let people do it.)
The only reason that i am not still a cutter today, is because my sophomore year, i made some really good friends who stood up for me, helped me be able to know i wasn't alone even if they had no clue whatsoever about what was happening. Because of the friends i have, i don't have to be back in that dark place.
The reason i have to say this in a place where i'm not the only one who knows it, who acknowledges it, is so that i won't ever be even tempted to fall back into that hell hole.
About a month ago, i was the closest i have ever been to cutting since i was 14. If it hadn't been for some of the most amazing friends i have(even if they don't see themselves that way) then i would be there now, and not able to get out of it.
But i felt i had to share that.
What i want to say i've learned from all the stuff i have gone through is that if you don't talk to someone, anyone, then you won't be able to function well. So i would ask that any of you who have been in the same situtions, that you help as many people as you can. that you become that person that everyone needs. So that no one ever has to go through as much pain as you did. I know that's how i live my life.
Thank you for listening to what i had to say.
~Erica
And here's my story, as jumbled and all over the place it may be, it's time for me to share it elsewhere so i can accept it and not keep on forgetting about it.
In order to do so, some background is needed. When i was 7 years old, my dad died of a heart attack. I've always been a very smart girl, so i knew no matter how they tried to sugar-coat things, what had really happened.
I have two older sisters from my father's first marriage and an older brother from my mother's first marriage. My older sister's mother was a drunk and abusive. One of her boyfriends sexually abused my sisters. Well, right about the time i was 8, we found out that they had been sexually abusing my older brother. I don't know if it happened to me as well as i have no memories of it. But it's very possible.
Until i was 11, my mother had multiple personalities. She was a victim of satanic ritual abuse by her father. So for the most part, i didn't really have a mother, i more had a playmate as all of the other identities were children.
My mother remarried when i was 13. I don't mind my stepdad. But we have never gotten along because of how forceful our personalities are.
And we moved to a different area, so i was the new girl in freshman year of high school. I was picked on just about every day that year. it was a rare night that i didn't go home crying.
So most of my life i have had depression, and i have been on depression meds. i know alot of them better than the psychiatrists that prescribe them as i've been on them.
Alright, now to get to reason why this thread is in the section. You know how kids like to take safety pins and stick them through the first layer of skin on their fingers? well, i did something similar. though it was more scratching the back of my hands and inside my wrists with needles or pins until it bled. It was also done in such a way it could be explained away by it being a cat scratch or thorns or something natural like that.
When you have as much pain as i did that you don't feel you can control any of it, then you find a pain you can control. that is at your beck and call. It's not that i ever wanted to die, oh far from it. I just wanted to feel again.
There are no scars from any of that, there was never meant to be. but there is one scar that runs from in between my thumb and pointer finger and wraps around my wrist. Until recently i couldn't remember what it was from. At one point, my brother had his Xacto knife laying around, and pins and needles were not enough. And again, only deep enough to bleed. I don't remember how i passed that one off, but i managed it.
I always made sure to not get caught. Because i was afraid my mother would have me taken away. That i would be put on more medications. that i would have to see more psychiatrists and counselers that would talk to me like i didn't know what they were doing. That i didn't know all the textbook definitions for the mood disorders(which i do. I don't like being catergorized.. i refuse to let people do it.)
The only reason that i am not still a cutter today, is because my sophomore year, i made some really good friends who stood up for me, helped me be able to know i wasn't alone even if they had no clue whatsoever about what was happening. Because of the friends i have, i don't have to be back in that dark place.
The reason i have to say this in a place where i'm not the only one who knows it, who acknowledges it, is so that i won't ever be even tempted to fall back into that hell hole.
About a month ago, i was the closest i have ever been to cutting since i was 14. If it hadn't been for some of the most amazing friends i have(even if they don't see themselves that way) then i would be there now, and not able to get out of it.
But i felt i had to share that.
What i want to say i've learned from all the stuff i have gone through is that if you don't talk to someone, anyone, then you won't be able to function well. So i would ask that any of you who have been in the same situtions, that you help as many people as you can. that you become that person that everyone needs. So that no one ever has to go through as much pain as you did. I know that's how i live my life.
Thank you for listening to what i had to say.
~Erica