A blade of blood [Love poem]

[Hatsune Miku]

A bloody blade for you, my love
See just what I'll do for you
Slay our enemies
Those who would dare keep us apart
Keep us from our happiness

A bloody blade for you, my love
Look at our blood-stained hands
An oath to each other
We will have forever.

A bloody blade for you, my love
I hope you like this symbol
I will always protect you
Whatever wipes the smile from your face
I will obliterate

A bloody blade for you, my love
Who cares about eternal damnation?
I have my heaven with you
The only possible hell
Is anywhere you aren't

A bloody blade for you, my love
Won't you tell me you love me?

Critiques are welcome

[Origami]

I hate to say it but the flow in this piece is less than good. I see what you're getting at, and I can see how you're trying to model it like BFMV and Slipknot. But the absence of flow killed this piece. :/

Flow Flow Flow! Flow (+emotion) is everything in a poem.

[deadpie]

Hell yeah, this rocks my socks.
"A bloody blade for you, my love
Who cares about eternal damnation?
I have my heaven with you
The only possible hell
Is anywhere you aren't" - that part is my fav.

[Hatsune Miku]

I hate to say it but the flow in this piece is less than good. I see what you're getting at, and I can see how you're trying to model it like BFMV and Slipknot. But the absence of flow killed this piece. :/

Flow Flow Flow! Flow (+emotion) is everything in a poem.

What do you mean? Im not trying to model it like BFMV or slipknot. They have nothing to do with this poem.
Anyways, whats wrong with the flow? I don't really see any breaks in the flow. I just wanna know so i don't make the same mistake :D

[Origami]

My mistake, I just know a lot of Slipknot's lyrics are like this.

But as for flow, there are 2 ways to optimize it.
1.Syllables. This is also the "beat" or "rhythm" of a poem. Keeping syllable count even, but better close than equal, will make it sound better and more "evenly." Word count is a poor substitute, but it works.

2.Punctuation. Comma! Semicolon! These marks do not stop an idea, but instead slow them down and combine them. Both can combine whole sentences and a comma can be used to add detail.

[Hatsune Miku]

My mistake, I just know a lot of Slipknot's lyrics are like this.

But as for flow, there are 2 ways to optimize it.
1.Syllables. This is also the "beat" or "rhythm" of a poem. Keeping syllable count even, but better close than equal, will make it sound better and more "evenly." Word count is a poor substitute, but it works.

2.Punctuation. Comma! Semicolon! These marks do not stop an idea, but instead slow them down and combine them. Both can combine whole sentences and a comma can be used to add detail.

What if its free verse?

[Origami]

Flow is MORE important in free-verse since it doesn't have the upbeat of rhyming to support it.

[Hatsune Miku]

Flow is MORE important in free-verse since it doesn't have the upbeat of rhyming to support it.

True

[Origami]

Don't get me wrong, the meaning is great, just needs better flow.

Maybe you should study Slipknot after all. They have great flow and wonderous vocabulary.

[Hatsune Miku]

Maybe you should study Slipknot after all. They have great flow and wonderous vocabulary.

Wow...That surprised me. Most people think slipknot has horrible flow and vocabulary. Anyways, Thanks for letting me know. I'll work on the flow next time

[Origami]

Yes, most people do, but then again, to most people it sounds like "ajmxtwnjuptkhkad."
Lol, no one really goes to read the lyrics.

[nick]

I agree with Orb!tal really. I like the meaning and thought in the poem but it needs rhythm.