What happened to me? I..I can't anymore...

[Blue63]

I haven't cried in about a year and a half. Since the day I it hit me that my Grandpa was dieing, he died the next day. We were all by his bed side in the ICU, his entire family, sad as could be. I haven't cried since then. I just found an old birthday card from him in my room, with a beautiful poem inside that ripped me apart. I feel like I'm about to vomit, and I want to cry to get it out, but I can't.

It reminded me how I'm failing him. My grandfather was the most amazing person I've ever met. He served in the Navy in World War II, he was the holiest man I've ever met. He prayed the rosary once a day. He had 4 amazing, full Italian daughters. One died at the age of 19 from Spinobifida, she was never able to walk and was mentally ill, the doctors said she wouldn't make it past 5. I wish I could have met my Aunt Janet. My mom has the worst anxiety in the family, who inherited it from my Grandma, who know has depression. My grandpa would want me to seize every day like he did. I just, I can't. When I was little I called him every night. Maybe until I started middle school. It's almost like I completely ignored him, I didn't but, he became a smaller part of my life. I could have learned so much from him, more than I had. He died when I was in 8th Grade, to this day I feel guilty, I feel terrible, I've prayed that he forgives me, and I imagine he has, but I still feel terrible.

That's not the point though.

Recently I've been struggling with High anxiety, both social and school related, Low-self esteem has gotten out of control, I stress out about everything, and I think I'm struggling with depression, and have been for the past 2 months. I began seeing a therapist, but am to scared to even tell him of some thoughts of depression. It's all in mind, and I want to get out of my body. I hate myself. I hate myself, I'm a failure. I just looked at an old photo album I found in my room, pictures of when I was an infant to when I was 6. I had so much potential, now I'm lost. I'm afraid my grades are slipping, even though right now I have straight A's. I'm afraid I wont have what it takes to get into a good college. I'm afraid I don't have a passion, I don't have a career in front of me. I hate myself, I'm so afraid. What happened to me? I was never like this before, I was a happy only child with an amazing family and great friends. My grandpa is dead (I'm shaking as I type this, I can't cry), My cousin who was recently married and has my Grandpas wedding ring has pretty much cut out his entire family, ever since his bitch of a bride came into his life he won't even return his parents phone calls. My other cousin is getting divorced, and has to go to court because his soon to be ex wife is a pathological lier. His kids are toddlers, and need help. My friends it feels like are falling apart. The girl I've liked for five months doesn't even like me as a person it feels like. My other friend now has a girlfriend, and he may soon be leaving the group to spend every minute with her like he did with his past girlfriend. Everyone enjoys making fun of me, and the new conversation topic at lunch is calling me gay and flamboyant, I'm straight. I wan't to kill myself, I never could, but right now I just...I'm falling apart. I can't have a life like this. I don't want to die alone, I want to be encompassed with people that love me when I die like my Grandpa was, but right now I just don't see how that's possible. I just can't go on. I was supposed to be better than this. I wasn't supposed to have these issues. I was supposed to be a prodigy, to become great. I'm not cut out to be great, but I need to be. I'm shaking, I can't do this anymore....what happened to me?

Help me, somehow

I shouldn't need help, I should be better. I can't be better. I'll never be better. Get this voice out of my head!! Get me out of my head!!

[Lost and Confused1]

First of all, your not a failure.

You seem to be going through a lot right now, and I'm sorry to hear that your feeling like this. Maybe its the best thing that you do talk to your therapist about how you've been feeling, they are there to help you. I know how hard it is to lose a loved one. Especially a grandparent, but remember they are always there, always with you, and looking out for you. You can't dwell on the past, you need to look into the future.

With straight A's I think your a smart kid! I'm sure you will get into the college you want to if you just keep pushing forward and going with the flow, don't let the anxiety or depression get in the way of your future.

I let them get in the way of mine, and I'm regretting it to this day.

Keep your head up, and keep going. PM me if you need anything, or just want to talk.

Brittany

[laurita_21]

there is always a time wen we all feel like this, you think you have no one by your side.
but its not true, your family are the people you will always have!
everyone has a reason to live and you will always have people who love you no matter wat :)
so sure things are going bad now, but things will get better after a wile :)

[Blue63]

Thank you, thank you both. I think I just had a weird Panic attack, everything kind of came crashing down on me.

Although it's getting harder to believe that things will look up, I'll hold on to the thought of a good future. I'll tell my therapist some of the stuff, after all you are right that is what they're there for.

Thank you, hopefully things will get better over time.

[nick]

Grief is a strange and uncontrollable thing. You want to cry, really you need to cry, but you cant make that happen. Sometime it will creep up on you unexpectedly and it will all come out, you will cry like you never have before and afterwards things will get better.

You have your life in front of you. Your grandpa would want you to live that to the full, to do well and to be happy. Live for him, make him proud.

pm me if you need someone to talk to.

[Blue63]

Grief is a strange and uncontrollable thing. You want to cry, really you need to cry, but you cant make that happen. Sometime it will creep up on you unexpectedly and it will all come out, you will cry like you never have before and afterwards things will get better.

You have your life in front of you. Your grandpa would want you to live that to the full, to do well and to be happy. Live for him, make him proud.

pm me if you need someone to talk to.

Thank you, I'll take it day by day!

[Aves]

Matt, don't do anything drastic you're a good dude, and I'd hate to see you go.

[Shenron]

I can empathize for you. I completely understand what you are going through. I also lost a loved one, it was my great grandpa. I loved him so much, and we spent alot of time together. When he died, it tore me apart. Since then, I have had no motivation, I don't want to go to school, my grades are failing, my life is falling apart. But I live for my mother. It would kill her if I dropped out of school. So I live for her.

This kind of thing is typical, although not often as severe, in most cases where someone looses a loved one. I would advise you to try and talk to your therapist about this. I know it may hurt, but you need to get it off of your chest. When you do you will feel alot better.

If you need to talk, PM me. :)

[Blue63]

It's always nice to know you are not alone in a certain situation, thank you Chris.

I know, I know I still have to get through the day and I always will have to. I put on a mask and go throughout the day to the point where no one would know there was ever something wrong, not even my closest friends. I've always been good at bottling things up, but controlling things has been harder. The secrecy eats me up everyday, not just about hiding this, hiding my depression, my anxiety, my poetry, my writing, my inner thoughts and hobbies. I hate knowing that my friends only really know a small part of me, but the risk to let my true self out is not a risk worth taking, and I know that, and I will live with that.

[Shenron]

It's always nice to know you are not alone in a certain situation, thank you Chris.

You're welcome :)

I hate knowing that my friends only really know a small part of me, but the risk to let my true self out is not a risk worth taking, and I know that, and I will live with that.

No, that's not true. I'm not sure if you got that from what I posted but if you did, I'm sorry for confusing you.

You NEED to tell somebody what you are going through. Maybe your best friend or something. That's what got me through it. If your friends are TRUE friends then they will understand and try to support you. If they don't want to be around you because of it then they aren't true friends. Please talk to one of them, it will help tremendously if you just get it off of your chest. If you don't want to talk to one of them yet, talk to me, or someone else on here, or a professional. Just talk to somebody.

PM me if you want to talk, I'm here to help :)

[Blue63]

No, that's not true. I'm not sure if you got that from what I posted but if you did, I'm sorry for confusing you.

You NEED to tell somebody what you are going through. Maybe your best friend or something. That's what got me through it. If your friends are TRUE friends then they will understand and try to support you. If they don't want to be around you because of it then they aren't true friends. Please talk to one of them, it will help tremendously if you just get it off of your chest. If you don't want to talk to one of them yet, talk to me, or someone else on here, or a professional. Just talk to somebody.

PM me if you want to talk, I'm here to help :)


Well thank you for offering to talk to me, honestly I'll keep that in mind. Eventually I'll talk to my therapist about it, but I just started going to him and my next appointment is in like two weeks, and I'm not sure how much I can explain, if I have another bad day like this, I know I need to talk to him. Talking to friends, well it's not a simple situation. I know if they stopped talking to me afterwords they aren't true friends, but there the closest thing that I will ever have, at least in high school. I could just hear them now, "Haha what do you have to be depressed about?" "Matt shut up your so over dramatic." They wouldn't talk to me as much, eventually I'd fall out of the loop and wouldn't be able to get back in. They sound like dicks, but they do have a lot of good qualities, they just....wouldn't care. I've even heard them talking about me. Apparently there was one day when I was "more down than usual," I had gotten up and when I sat back down I'd heard one of them say in reply to something, "Haha Matt doesn't have the balls to kill himself," I'm not sure if they knew I heard them or not, but it just shows you they wouldn't take it seriously. In this case I'd just prefer ignorant bliss, I can't take the risk of being more alone than I am right now.

[Shenron]

I can't take the risk of being more alone than I am right now.

I understand. But I can't stres enough the need to talk to someone about it.

[luvthissite]

Matt,
How are you feeling today? I hope you are feeling better.

Although your friends are really an important thing in life, the kind of problems you are experiencing are probably beyond the capabilities of your friends. they are probably not able to help you in any real way, this is something a trained adult needs to do, a therapist or doctor. friends are really important to give you companionship, but unless you have really close friend you can confide in, it might be better to save the "big issues" for your therapist. what about your Mom or Dad, can they help? Give it a try. It might feel awkward at first, but they love you and want to help. Let us know how this goes.

keep your chin up, we all care about you. i have found what helps me is to go for walks, helps me clear out my mind, and the exercise is good for me. give it a try. maybe you have an ipod or something to listen to your favorite tunes. just be careful not to walk in the road or get hurt.

let us know how you are doing. take care.

[Blue63]

I appreciate the concern, my time has been interesting, I'll explain it in short.

The next two days ahead of me including tonight I am incredibly busy with homework, tests, and work and it's like I don't even have time to think.

My Grandmas basement flooded and so many memories of my Grandpa have been destroyed

My parents and I had a huge fight on Wednesday night, everyone was mad at everyone for some reason. My mother threatened to leave multiple times. In rage I screamed at them I've had depression for the past two months, wrote why on a piece of paper so I wouldn't have to talk to them about it, then cried and fell asleep in a closet because I couldn't face them. I'm ashamed and afraid they think I'm lying. Regardless I can't wait for my next therapist appointment.

Things are not exactly getting better, but I pray they will soon.

Thank you so much for the concern

[Art_dude]

I am so sorry for what you're having to go through right now. It sounds like your grandfather was an amazing man and his loss is making a serious impact on your life. And I know that the timing of his death pretty much sucks because of your anxiety and depression right now :(

After reading about your problem (and I think we've discussed a few things in other threads) I'm reaching the conclusion that root of most of your depression and self esteem issues are the inability to love yourself. You can't make any progress on the road to recovery when you can't have motivation to do so. That motivation comes from recognizing the suffering you're going through and awakening compassion within yourself to say, "I deserve better : I need healing."

"My grandpa would want me to seize every day like he did. I just, I can't."
--- Did your grandpa have depression, anxiety, and all the pressure of modern society on him? I'm gonna take a wild guess and say no. You have to get this negative voice out of your head that says "I'm unworthy". You're forgetting that you are sick. Your depression is literally preventing you from doing things you would do in a happy and healthy mind. Would you be dissapointed in a patient with mono, who didn't get up every morning and run a 3k? No - of course not. Why does society look at mental ailments differently than physical ones? They should have the same status. Recognize your suffering and realize that there are millions of people out there feeling the way you are. As always, if you need to talk PM me :) ((((HUGS))))

[wehttam4]

Hi Blue 63. Thanks for telling your story its really good to hear someone speak honestly about such hard things. Ive got some problems too and i havent really spoke honestly about them ever. I am 23 and I love some things about myself and keep telling myself there are things to love (because there are) I did alot of drugs and alcohol when I was younger and got into relationships with women where I always felt small and really really stressed and ashamed of myself and like a pathetic baby. I still live with a woman who i married but we are not together and i always feel not good enough for her . I dont know what i think or feel alot of the time (i know how i feel and what im thinking but I dont know if thats just what ive taught myself to think because I have been acting like im cool for so long so people would respect me and look up to me . I havent cried from my heart for a long time as well , i know i will sometime because life can be everything it can be (i am learning that the better i get ,life has the potential to be so much better that anything i thought before and its not reliant on the things i used to think it was) . I dont have any friends that i feel i can talk to about this and i am scared that if i do talk and they understand that they will tell me this is how life is, and i cant accept that i am meant to feel like this for no reason. thanks for your post it has really helped me. I know thinks get better (because even though it might not sound like it ) they have got better for me and continue to do so and I have nothing but trust about that. Take care mate .

[Blue63]

I am so sorry for what you're having to go through right now. It sounds like your grandfather was an amazing man and his loss is making a serious impact on your life. And I know that the timing of his death pretty much sucks because of your anxiety and depression right now :(

After reading about your problem (and I think we've discussed a few things in other threads) I'm reaching the conclusion that root of most of your depression and self esteem issues are the inability to love yourself. You can't make any progress on the road to recovery when you can't have motivation to do so. That motivation comes from recognizing the suffering you're going through and awakening compassion within yourself to say, "I deserve better : I need healing."

"My grandpa would want me to seize every day like he did. I just, I can't."
--- Did your grandpa have depression, anxiety, and all the pressure of modern society on him? I'm gonna take a wild guess and say no. You have to get this negative voice out of your head that says "I'm unworthy". You're forgetting that you are sick. Your depression is literally preventing you from doing things you would do in a happy and healthy mind. Would you be dissapointed in a patient with mono, who didn't get up every morning and run a 3k? No - of course not. Why does society look at mental ailments differently than physical ones? They should have the same status. Recognize your suffering and realize that there are millions of people out there feeling the way you are. As always, if you need to talk PM me :) ((((HUGS))))

You know, you're probably dead on with the Inability to love myself, because I don't. I never consider myself good enough for anything. The thing is, my mind state always jumps to, "I don't deserve better," The thing is, I'm afraid to admit to anyone that I have depression, which is because I'm afraid to admit it to myself. It's not denial, well I guess it is but not in a conventional way. I almost want depression, because then I have an answer for what is going on in my head. But I don't want to get attached to the idea of having depression, I'm afraid people are gonna say "What do you have to be depressed about?" And then I think, what do I have to be depressed about, sure I have a ton of those reasons, but a ton of people have issues like that. So I shouldn't have depression, it's almost like I'm not good enough to have the severe depression. I don't know. I mean I can understand people having depression because their Dad left when they were little and their Mom has always struggled to make ends meet. That's something to be depressed about, and what am I? Some wealthy little only child in modern american suburbia, why should I have depression. I have a favorite quote from a favorite show about a favorite character, in fact I have it memorized. When she's confronted about her constant doom and gloom attitude, she responds with this. I can relate a lot to it: "What do you want from me? A teary confession about how hard my childhood was? Well it wasn't? I was a rich only child who got anything I wanted, as long as behaved, and sat still, and didn't speak unless spoken to. My mom said I had to keep out of trouble, we had my dad's political career to think about." My dad's not a politician, but otherwise it's completely right. The constant pressure I feel in my life, I understand its me putting it on myself right now, but it hasn't always been that way. I'm just sick of feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless. Thank you Alex, you have helped me out so much and I am eternally grateful to have you helping.

Hi Blue 63. Thanks for telling your story its really good to hear someone speak honestly about such hard things. Ive got some problems too and i havent really spoke honestly about them ever. I am 23 and I love some things about myself and keep telling myself there are things to love (because there are) I did alot of drugs and alcohol when I was younger and got into relationships with women where I always felt small and really really stressed and ashamed of myself and like a pathetic baby. I still live with a woman who i married but we are not together and i always feel not good enough for her . I dont know what i think or feel alot of the time (i know how i feel and what im thinking but I dont know if thats just what ive taught myself to think because I have been acting like im cool for so long so people would respect me and look up to me . I havent cried from my heart for a long time as well , i know i will sometime because life can be everything it can be (i am learning that the better i get ,life has the potential to be so much better that anything i thought before and its not reliant on the things i used to think it was) . I dont have any friends that i feel i can talk to about this and i am scared that if i do talk and they understand that they will tell me this is how life is, and i cant accept that i am meant to feel like this for no reason. thanks for your post it has really helped me. I know thinks get better (because even though it might not sound like it ) they have got better for me and continue to do so and I have nothing but trust about that. Take care mate .

Those feelings, they all suck don't they? I know, it's terrible, and I am terribly sorry for everything that's going on. I wish you the best of luck with everything, I feel ill-equipped to give advice considering my situation now, but if you ever just want to talk, feel free to PM me.

[Art_dude]

Aw that's what I'm here for bud :) In response to your question of, "What do I have to be depressed about?"...

Suffering is NOT comparable. It's a philosophical truth. I want you to repeat that to yourself like it's a sacred Mantra. So what if you're from a wealthy, white suburban family? Suffering is a part of EVERY SINGLE human life. Now, if we try and give ourselves some perspective, yea, your life is more charmed than someone who has been abused, lost a parent etc, etc,. But that doesn't mean their depression is anymore rightly explained. You're confusing depression with feeling bad about external circumstances: They are completely different. IF for example, you complained about your comfortable lifestyle, then you should feel ashamed lol but you're not. You're complaining about a state of mind which has prevented you from experiencing life as happiness. Perhaps the obstacle preventing you from experiencing life as happiness isn't as disturbing, or unsettling as the subsaharan african orphan, but it doesn't make it any less legitimate. Do you see what I mean? It's impossible to play the "who's suffered more" game. I've led a pretty charmed life myself, but that doesn't mean that when I was depressed, I didn't FEEL the pain and suffering any less than the other guy. I think it would be very beneficial to meditate on how you got to where you are now (in regards to not loving yourself the way you should) At what point did it start? or never start at all? Very important questions to ask yourself. As always, feel free to PM me. A little buddhist advice for this tough time...

"Take advantage of this human boat;
Free yourself from sorrow's mighty stream!
This vessel will be later hard to find.
The time that you have now, you fool, is not for sleep!"

[Blue63]

I love the Buddhist beliefs, so I'm glad you picked the quote, but it's one of those things that's easier said then done.

I know it's been a while since I've responded, but that's because I didn't just want to give a half-ass "I'll try and feel better" responses. I've thought about every word in your post Alex, and thank you again.

I've taken some time in my ever hectic week, between school and working on my schools Musical, the only two things I've had time for the last week, and thought about some suggestions. I now realize that suffering isn't comparable and that it is philosophical truth, but people around me, some of my best friends even, may not see it that way.

I've thought more about my inability to love myself, so I've tried to go around and think about things I may be good at, things I'm proud of. I came up with nothing. I constantly feel inferior in everything I do, every second of the day I feel like it's not worth it because I just suck. I mean I know this phrase is thrown around a lot in the modern teenage world but it's true, I do suck at life. I mean socially...well I'm naturally a shy person and my friends have even noticed that I "can't have fun" and "need to let go". For example, I went to a cast party on Saturday night, a bunch of people I knew most of them on some level. There was a lot of dancing going on, boom box playing people jumping around. My mind wouldn't let my body react, I just stood there, watching. I felt terrible, but knew I could never do that because for some reason that's not who I am, but it's who I want to be. I can't explain it. Just disregard that if you need to.

I've also been thinking about the questions you asked.

I have no idea when it started, I think at some point it's always been there. But has grown gradually over the past...two years? It's only gotten to the point as to where I can't take it anymore probably mid august of this year. I've had anxiety of all forms since I was a toddler, my self - esteem probably began to plummet my first year of high school, last year. But the hatred of myself, the anger, the despair, the sadness and hopelessness, that's more recent, that's what began a few months ago. Recently, this past week. I've been wanting to change who I am, become some one new, start over because I hate myself. I want to change my personality and become someone better, but I can't. It doesn't work like that, my mind won't let me. There's just no use anymore. I know I have to keep going, keep moving. I just hate the masks I where every day, and then I hate the person under the masks to. I'm not very articulate right now, not as much as I'd like to be. I've just gotten to the point where I just don't want to go on, but I know I have to. Things trigger the intense hatred and sadness that a normal person wouldn't even think twice about, and it seems just about random. I just want to get out of my head, but I can't.

[Art_dude]

"I've taken some time in my ever hectic week, between school and working on my schools Musical, the only two things I've had time for the last week, and thought about some suggestions. I now realize that suffering isn't comparable and that it is philosophical truth, but people around me, some of my best friends even, may not see it that way."

---> Of course they don't. People are blind like that. Until of course, it happens to them. Glad you took the time to reflect!

"I've thought more about my inability to love myself, so I've tried to go around and think about things I may be good at, things I'm proud of. I came up with nothing. I constantly feel inferior in everything I do, every second of the day I feel like it's not worth it because I just suck."

What in the hell, does thinking about thing you're "good at" have to do with loving yourself? Absolutely nothin'. Loving yourself, or rather, ACCEPTING yourself is staring inside your soul on the rawest, deepest and gruesome level and realizing that who you are is who you are, and you love yourself in spite of it. Loving yourself happens when you look at all the idiosyncrasies of yourself and still see that there is fundamentally something GOOD in you. Whether that be God, your higher self, boddhichitta, whatever the hell you want to label it. It's there.

For example, I went to a cast party on Saturday night, a bunch of people I knew most of them on some level. There was a lot of dancing going on, boom box playing people jumping around. My mind wouldn't let my body react, I just stood there, watching. I felt terrible, but knew I could never do that because for some reason that's not who I am, but it's who I want to be. I can't explain it. Just disregard that if you need to.

I completely understand. I felt the exact same way in a verrry similar situation at a prom I went to last year. I was standing around watching - wishing I could let go like that. So then I asked myself, "why not?" So I went down to the dancefloor, and said, "fuck it, i'll embarass myself". And you know what? DIDN'T like it. Sorry kids, but there's no happy ending here. Some people just aren't into that kind of thing. A lot of teens like the heavy drinking, loud music, incesent dancing 'scene', but it's just not my cup of tea. Does that make me incapable of 'letting go" or having a fun time? Absolutely not. I just experience it in different ways. Nevertheless I see what you're saying: it would be nice to like the same things other people like. But unfortunately it's just one of those things you have to accept about yourself.

As for your last paragraph.... ((((HUGS))))) you don't have to be articulate all the time Matt. Remember that you're also here to VENT. And despite it not being as organized as your other thoughts (I still think it's pretty articulate lol) I understood every word - hard to believe but it's true :) Unfortunately I have to be redundant and express the only path out of this is learning to accept and love yourself for who you are. There's no quick fix and it will require tons of work on your part. And yes it is easier said then done. Always here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us: that is bravery in the highest sense.

[Blue63]

"---> Of course they don't. People are blind like that. Until of course, it happens to them. Glad you took the time to reflect!"

Haha it seems like everyone around me is functioning in a perfectly perfect world, so thank you for telling me truth and not saying something like, "If there true friends they'll understand," I'm sick of being guarded, so thank you!

"What in the hell, does thinking about thing you're "good at" have to do with loving yourself? Absolutely nothin'. Loving yourself, or rather, ACCEPTING yourself is staring inside your soul on the rawest, deepest and gruesome level and realizing that who you are is who you are, and you love yourself in spite of it. Loving yourself happens when you look at all the idiosyncrasies of yourself and still see that there is fundamentally something GOOD in you. Whether that be God, your higher self, boddhichitta, whatever the hell you want to label it. It's there."

Honestly that makes much more sense, I've always been under the impression everyone has to have their thing, the cool awesome thing that their amazing at, the natural talent, the thing that defines them, I never really had that. To accept myself with out that, to give in to not being perfect, and not striving to be perfect constantly, it'll be hard, and God knows it'll take a while, but I'll do what I can.

I completely understand. I felt the exact same way in a verrry similar situation at a prom I went to last year. I was standing around watching - wishing I could let go like that. So then I asked myself, "why not?" So I went down to the dancefloor, and said, "fuck it, i'll embarass myself". And you know what? DIDN'T like it. Sorry kids, but there's no happy ending here. Some people just aren't into that kind of thing. A lot of teens like the heavy drinking, loud music, incesent dancing 'scene', but it's just not my cup of tea. Does that make me incapable of 'letting go" or having a fun time? Absolutely not. I just experience it in different ways. Nevertheless I see what you're saying: it would be nice to like the same things other people like. But unfortunately it's just one of those things you have to accept about yourself.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I was at my homecoming dance this year to, I just can't. Now I guess it's okay I can't, I guess I was just under the impression everyone was supposed to have that same memorable crazy "teen experience" and I clearly haven't had any of that. I'll do my own thing, and I guess I'll make it.

As for your last paragraph.... ((((HUGS))))) you don't have to be articulate all the time Matt. Remember that you're also here to VENT. And despite it not being as organized as your other thoughts (I still think it's pretty articulate lol) I understood every word - hard to believe but it's true :) Unfortunately I have to be redundant and express the only path out of this is learning to accept and love yourself for who you are. There's no quick fix and it will require tons of work on your part. And yes it is easier said then done. Always here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us: that is bravery in the highest sense.


Thank you, if I wasn't able to vent here I honestly don't know what I would be able to do. I know I just want a quick fix, just want the pain to stop, and I guess I need to accept that will never happen. It will be hard, it will take time, I need to stop bottling things p and putting on that mask I know so well. Thank you for your never ending support, surely I hope we'll be able to stay in touch as I sort through things, believe me I'll need your help in the future. Thank you ever so much!