I just... I dunno...

[DrkZ90]

I'm just so fucking tired of everything, I feel I've no way out of this anymore... I've been depressed for the last 5 years, and while I've done the best I can to make things change, it all just ends being worse...

It all started 5 years or so ago... it has all been worse and worse each day.... I thought I had friends, and a best friend to trust, but all that was just a lie... my so called friends? they turned their back to me when I needed them the most, they didn't trust me, they didn't want to do anything with me... they didn't care what I had to say, I was just pretty much dead to them... I had known them for 4 years, and trusted them a lot... they meant a lot to me, but it turned out I wasn't much different than an annoyance in their lives...

Ever since that happened, I've done my best to get their friendship back, and to make new friends... I've failed miserably on both, I'm no more than a living tool for everyone, one that's better to ignore and put aside when not needed... nobody treats me as a friend to trust, they only remember I exist when they need my help for something, the rest of the time I could be dead and they wouldn't even notice... and sometimes, I feel they would be better without me, they seem annoyed to see me around...

I guess I must be the most annoying worthless being since everyone acts the same towards me... I'm always the one they left out of stuff, always the last one to be invited to stuff, and usually just because I heard a conversation or something... the other day, I was telling the guy I once considered my best friend (met him back in School, almost 7 years ago) some stuff (can't remember about what) when he suddenly was like "STFU, you're so annoying, I don't care about that" and "disconnected" (I later checked and found out he blocked me on MSN) that was only a week or two ago... I haven't had the guts to call and talk to him about it, I don't wanna get even more hurt about this...

I've also tried getting new friends, and it has been just as bad or even worse... I'm just unimportant to everyone, every single one of them either treats me exactly the same way (as a tool) or simply forget about me entirely... I recently decided to give up on making new friends, it has just made things worse 99% of the time...

I'm not sure what's the point of my post,or what I expect of it... I guess I just want to vent, I'm tired of always wearing a fake happy smile (I don't want attention just because I'm depressed or suicidal... I'm not, and not want to, be taken for an attention seeker... I didn't even want to make a post about it, but I really don't know what to do... as days as years have passed, I no longer see an exit to this whole shit, and I'm afraid to leave and start anew... afraid of everything being the same all over again... this past weeks have been a lot of emotional pain, I don't want any more of it... I don't even find a reason to wake up every morning)... I'm very afraid of going back to suicidal thoughts, I know one day I won't be able to stop myself, and that scares me... I've been very close to giving in to those thoughts, and somehow managed to stop myself, but I dunno how much longer I will be able to do that, I've honestly run out of reasons and excuses to stay alive...

[Fourth Dimension]

u will get through this dont worry pm me if you want and add me on im ill befriend you

[DrkZ90]

i am in a situation thats awful myself if u want to pm me anytime if there anything i can do to help. ur important to me and i will be your friend. you dnt need people like that. you dnt have to end it all. a lot of my so called friends talked shit because i told them i was gay. since then i have made new friends and no longer care what they think about me.
i hoped this helped. if u ever want to talk im always on feel free to PM

I know I should probably forget about them, but I can't... I would be completely alone... I'm already quite lonely as it this, don't need to make it worse...

And that's why I'm never coming out to them either... I know they will hate me even more if they ever find out... I don't really give a shit of what people think about me, but their hate and indifference still hurts a lot...

u will get through this dont worry pm me if you want and add me on im ill befriend you

I've been repeating that to myself the last couple of years... that I will get through this, and that things will get better... I dunno how much longer I can lie to myself that way...

I would add you, but I don't have AIM (I guess you meant that, right?), only MSN...

[azneric91]

i kind of have the same situation with one of my groups actually
out of the group of maybe 8, im the only one that drives and that has money
im left out of everything until they need/want to get somewhere
and most dont even have money and i usually dont have money
so i usually end up buying for them
the money and gas and stuff i dont really mind...just the advantage theyre trying to take of me and leaving me out

[DrkZ90]

why can't everything just end? I'm quite desperate of every day being the same shit... struggling to wake up and get out of bed, finding something to do all day, being ignored by everyone when I want to do something along the day, and go back to bed... with classes in-between when not in vacations... I no longer have any enthusiasm for anything, I don't see any point on anything, at the end of the day, everything's the same shit... I'm still lonely and the useless tool nobody gives a shit about...

I dunno what was the point of the thread, or of this post... but I honestly dunno what to do to keep myself sane... I'm tired of crying, of remembering a happier past (even if it was all a lie...), of knowing I have no way out of this, I feel trapped... I wanna leave and start from scratch, but there's a lot of things trying to stop that....

Sorry for the rants and vents, but I'm running out of resources... Suicide is so tempting... every time I see one of those ultra sharp knives of the kitchen I feel so tempted to just finish it all, nobody would miss me, that's for sure, and I'm just a "selfish and idiot, money and electricity waster that can't think about others" (quote courtesy of my dad a couple of hours ago) so it would actually be a relief for my family as well as for my friends, this annoying piece of shit would be out of their lives once and for all too... everyone would be happy... and they wouldn't be able to hurt me ever again either, I would be happy too...

1 hour writing this post... even harder to type than the op... and is pretty much as useless and selfish as that one... I don't deserve the air I breath...

[Shenron]

Do you have a good relationship with your mom? My dad is hurtful with his words as well, but you have to ignore it. I was in the same boat as you about 6 months ago. Looking back I can see the times I was lied to, excluded, and left out. The people I considered brothers were lying to me and making up excuses so they wouldn't have to come over or so I couldnt go to their house. But I can also remember all the fun we had, all the hard times we went through, but then I think about how I always had money, and it seemed as though I was always spending it on them somehow. I look back and think, "were they really friends, or were they just using me?"

I understand what you are going through, and I want to help, but I need to know why they turned on you. Maybe I am missing something but I didn't catch it in either of your posts. For now I can say that you are worth something, you are worth everything, your dad won't know what he's got till it's gone and then it will be to late. I have had a few attempts, but I now realize that suicide is futile because if it's not your time to go, you won't. That doesn't mean you can try to kill yourself over and over and not die, It means if you do try to, your time may come early and you will not have lived life to the fullest.

[1_21Guns]

I know exactly how you feel at the moment, although i'm not having those problems with friends anymore, for various other reasons at the moment it feels like i'm just nothing, i don't fit in anywhere and i'm just there for the sake of it. I don't want my suicidal thoughts to come back again, because just like you. the thought of that happening scares me. I'm bored of wearing a fake smile, its even starting to slip now i've worn it that long. 6 years of pretending the world isn't crashing down on me in my eyes isn't easy, and you know that just as well as I do.
Just remember that you're not worthless, you're certianly not dead and arn't going to be anytime soon hopefully. And next time your sat there thinking.. 'what if..' just remember that whatever its for might not happen, lifes not set in stone.
If you ever want to talk i'm here, just pm me and we can talk on there or msn if you'd rather. Never give up, your problems are never worth the price of your life, no matter how much they feel like they arn't.

[PaperFacesOnParade]

Oh, honey, please be strong! You know you can get through this! Just use the willpower that you know is there in your heart!

Times may be tough at the moment, but things will get better.... a few months ago I was in a similar situation. The people who left you, altough it may hurt, and worth it. Are they really your friends if they would do that to you?

Altough it may feel you are not making friends now, it WILL get better, believe me! Just carry on, be strong!! Do socialize with as many people as you can, maybe try not to get attatched first.

Please don't give in to your suicidal thoughts... I know I'm not much help, but please, please, it's not worth it!

Good luck darling!

[DrkZ90]

Do you have a good relationship with your mom? My dad is hurtful with his words as well, but you have to ignore it. I was in the same boat as you about 6 months ago. Looking back I can see the times I was lied to, excluded, and left out. The people I considered brothers were lying to me and making up excuses so they wouldn't have to come over or so I couldnt go to their house. But I can also remember all the fun we had, all the hard times we went through, but then I think about how I always had money, and it seemed as though I was always spending it on them somehow. I look back and think, "were they really friends, or were they just using me?"

I understand what you are going through, and I want to help, but I need to know why they turned on you. Maybe I am missing something but I didn't catch it in either of your posts. For now I can say that you are worth something, you are worth everything, your dad won't know what he's got till it's gone and then it will be to late. I have had a few attempts, but I now realize that suicide is futile because if it's not your time to go, you won't. That doesn't mean you can try to kill yourself over and over and not die, It means if you do try to, your time may come early and you will not have lived life to the fullest.

No, she is just as hurtful or even more, since she's home a lot more than dad (relatively, none of them are home that much), they kind of take turns at insulting and blaming me for everything...

I really didn't say the whole story of what happened 4-5 years ago, mainly because I didn't want to bring back that memory, it was hard to put all that into words and hit submit before breaking down to tears, I'm sure I would've ended up just crying and closing the tab just trying to explain that... plus, that way it's harder to identify for the people I know, I don't really want attention out of pity...

Oh, honey, please be strong! You know you can get through this! Just use the willpower that you know is there in your heart!

Times may be tough at the moment, but things will get better.... a few months ago I was in a similar situation. The people who left you, altough it may hurt, and worth it. Are they really your friends if they would do that to you?

Altough it may feel you are not making friends now, it WILL get better, believe me! Just carry on, be strong!! Do socialize with as many people as you can, maybe try not to get attatched first.

Please don't give in to your suicidal thoughts... I know I'm not much help, but please, please, it's not worth it!

Good luck darling!

Is not that I'm not making friends... I am actively doing that, I'm always very friendly... I smile and say hi to everyone, and just do my best to befriend them... it's just that, in the end, it's the same shit all over again, and I end up as their tool, none of them ever gives a shit about me as a friend...

[DrkZ90]

I'm back to square zero... again, I shouldn't let anything get my hopes up, as always I just end up even worse... how much longer will I be able to stop myself from ending it all?... I'm just sick and bored of trying and doing my best for everyone, and 1 or 2 days after being the same bs and insults again.. I'm just so fucking alone, no matter what, I'm tired of trying over and over again with the same or worst results, I'm tired of being a fucking burden to everyone, a tool that gets in the way when not needed...

[DrkZ90]

my feelings, exactly:
http://www.friendship.com.au/poetry/broken/broken5.html#perfect

[1_21Guns]

You shouldnt be questioning how much longer you can hold on, because none of this is worth your life. Sure your going through a tough time with friends, i'm guessing a while? And I can relate to it, I had this in primary school, and I can remember very well just walking around the playground on my own on those same lines singing to myself because i'd done something 'wrong', having one thing or another said to me or spoke about me, just there in the way. But I got through it, with some it just takes time, but you seem a nice guy, and your certainly not a burden to everyone no matter how much they make you feel like it.
PM me if you want to talk anytime, i'll always be here.

[DrkZ90]

You shouldnt be questioning how much longer you can hold on, because none of this is worth your life. Sure your going through a tough time with friends, i'm guessing a while? And I can relate to it, I had this in primary school, and I can remember very well just walking around the playground on my own on those same lines singing to myself because i'd done something 'wrong', having one thing or another said to me or spoke about me, just there in the way. But I got through it, with some it just takes time, but you seem a nice guy, and your certainly not a burden to everyone no matter how much they make you feel like it.
PM me if you want to talk anytime, i'll always be here.

A while... at least the last 8 years, with the last 4 being the worst... I feel weaker every day, I no longer have the energy to get up and do stuff... It's just I'm so fucking lonely, no matter what I do, it all always turns for the worse... I have to pay 10x every second of happiness it seems, and I'm fucking tired of that...

I can barely find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings, and can barely go to sleep at night... I don't wanna go to sleep and dream and be happy there, just to realize it isn't real when I wake up... More and more I feel I no longer want to live... I've done my best for the last years to change things and it just gets worse each day... if this is the life I have, and I have no way out of it, it's a life not worth living, a life I don't want to live...