I hurt and Lie...[rant..]

[chelsay13]

I hurt. I seem to hide my struggles... even though I don't always think about it. I tell everyone I'm fine. I lie. As far as my close friends know, I ended therapy, not quit it. They don't know I slipped over the summer. They don't know I sometimes hurt myself, but only in small ways. They're all unaware that there's still a monster inside me, trying to take back over and make me hurt again. And now... oct. 24th is coming. They day I lost all trust in myself and others. The day my heart was shattered. The day I cut for the first time. No one knows that this day will be painful for me. They don't understand that while they see me from the outside; friendly, funny, and quite a nerd, it's a cover. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Therapy is out of the question... I can't go through that again. Cutting can't take over me again... i just don't know how to not slip. They said it'd get easier.. I just needed to let time work on my heart.. it seems that was a lie..

sorry for that rant... i needed to get it out.

[Amyxoxo]

Honey, dont let it take over you again you dont need it, it needs you!
When that day comes just think to yourself that you can beet this evil thing.
I think everyone put on a cover, some bigger and more protected than others but you will stop. You will look back in a couple of years time and wonder why you do this stupid thing but you need to stop now before you cant turn back. Therepy is not for everyone but it is good that you gave it a go, that was a big step in stopping.
All the best, PM me if you ever want to talk :) x

[dstnyisurs]

We all use a cover, yes. I do too. It's hard... do you think you may feel better telling a friend about this and having someone that's there at school with you that will know how much you are hurting and can give you a hug or smile every now and again?

[chelsay13]

You see, the friends I have aren't... like that. They are beyond caring and loving. They ARE there... but they are well connected. I they were to learn about me still having issues.. I'd be in the counseling office within 1-3 days.

[1_21Guns]

I hurt. I seem to hide my struggles... even though I don't always think about it. I tell everyone I'm fine. I lie. As far as my close friends know, I ended therapy, not quit it. They don't know I slipped over the summer. They don't know I sometimes hurt myself, but only in small ways. They're all unaware that there's still a monster inside me, trying to take back over and make me hurt again. And now... oct. 24th is coming. They day I lost all trust in myself and others. The day my heart was shattered. The day I cut for the first time. No one knows that this day will be painful for me. They don't understand that while they see me from the outside; friendly, funny, and quite a nerd, it's a cover. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Therapy is out of the question... I can't go through that again. Cutting can't take over me again... i just don't know how to not slip. They said it'd get easier.. I just needed to let time work on my heart.. it seems that was a lie..

sorry for that rant... i needed to get it out.

I know how you feel. and don't apologise, we're all here to listen. I know what you mean about being somebody else while theres still so much hurt and desperation to cut deep inside. I'm going through the exact thing right now, except my little act is starting to slip. My cover story is getting holes in it, and its hanging by a thread.
You do know how to not slip, you just don't want to keep fighting when all you want to do sometimes is give in.
Its not going to take over you, because your strong enough to not allow it.
Dont give up.

[chelsay13]

Thanks :)
It feels great to know that someone understands and feels the same :)

[Kahn]

From your description of yourself and the way you act.. you act the same way I do. I don't want to show anyone that really I am sad but I have learned... In order to feel better it is time to start talking to people and for the first time today I opened up to a school counselor. It felt great. I sobbed but it felt great to let the emotions that I felt out. I mean for the first time today I had a clear mind.

You should do the same. Not for yourself, but for everyone around you. If you have a meltdown and threaten to do something to yourself it would hurt everyone. Mostly yourself. Just keep in mind people are here in this world just for you to talk to too, to make you feel better. I can be one of those people. I love helping people with they're problems because I am having problems as well and I can help you and when I talk and help people with they're problems... it helps with mine. So please PM me any time and I am willing to talk.

Adam