Whats wrong with me?

[alwaysandforever]

I dont know what to write without everything pouring out.

I have had depression since i was about 10, im 17 now. I feel like im in a constant state of numbness, i put on a show to my friends, so that they dont worry about them.

I have told some close friends how i feel, but they act like i should 'pull' myself out of it. I dont feel like i can. They dont understand how my mind works. I dont know how it works, or why i feel this way. its not something i can just 'pull' myself out of. I wish i knew what was wrong with me. One moment im fine, but then some silly little thing can spiral me in a depressive mood, and i wont be able to get out of it for days.

I have attempted suicide 3 times. Twice i have been hospitialised, and the last time i was in hospital, i came close to actually dying, the doctors said if i left it one more day without getting help, i would have died. I have also been warned if i attempt it again, i will not live, i will definatly die.

I feel like doing it just to end things, but then i dont have a second chance anymore, so im scared, i mean if i do it. This is it.

I have been cutting myslef for many years, i used to do it on my arms, but people used to see and ask too many questions so i have moved onto my legs. It hurt but, i want to feel real physical pain, not just emotional pain.

I cry all the time, when im at home, or even out with friends, i just burst into tears for no reason. I can feel the tears welling up even as i right this.

I have lost my nan, my auntie and my great nan all in the past year and thats affected me a lot, i think. I miss them all so much, and i feel bad, cos other people have worse problems than me and they deal with it right?

Im also my dads carer, he has Schizophrenia and i have to look after him, as he cannot look after himself, i feel like i have to be happy and smiley all the time, cos if he sees me upset he might have a episode. My mum also suffers from clinical depression, i try to help, but im depressed myself so how can i? I feel like i have a huge burden on my shoulders.

i dont know what to do anymore. So i thought i would get my feelings down. Thanks for anyone who writes back and takes the time to read this, i want to share my feelings with others, so that its not bottled up all the time :(

[clone]

sorry for not responding soon hope you havnt killed yourself yet

well dont kill yourself i've been told not to kill myself and was given valid reasons im sorry you have had a hard time :( . well i need my own support and can't help you much it makes me mad at myself i hope you get this depresion over with soon

im supporting you :)

[Hyper]

Already when reading your post I was certain you have family history and in the end of the post I saw it

Girl you need help yourself, you can't help your parents or anybody else if your just barely holding yourself together, most of the time.

I'm sure you were offered it after attempting, but it sounds like you rejected it.

You need to get help its obvious to me, a random stranger, that you can't keep going on like this.

[alwaysandforever]

Hi

I was offered professional help, but when i used to go to counselling, i never seemed to be depressed, so i felt like i was wasting there time. And i dont like talking about my thoughts and feelings, as i feel like they will think im looking for attention? I like to try and sort things myself but i dont think i can anymore.

I have days where im so low, and days where im okay. Today im okay, and i hope it stays that way.

Thanks for the support x

[Hyper]

Hi

I was offered professional help, but when i used to go to counselling, i never seemed to be depressed, so i felt like i was wasting there time. And i dont like talking about my thoughts and feelings, as i feel like they will think im looking for attention? I like to try and sort things myself but i dont think i can anymore.

I have days where im so low, and days where im okay. Today im okay, and i hope it stays that way.

Thanks for the support x

Ahem logic here logic

If your job is to listen to peoples problems and you went through years of college learning about bio chemistry, psychological thought patterns and so on and on you wont think someone is attention whoring or even if they are you don't care because they need help and are your patient.

What you do with your life is completely up to yourself, if you have a few bad days in a month well that is quite normal if you have a dozen of them or more then that isn't okay.