Shutting them out.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I've noticed I've been shutting myself off from everyone. I can only fairly say that I have 3 true good friends and out of them I only talk to one, occassionally, about how I'm feeling. Whenever anyone tries to talk to me about what's wrong, if they ask how I am, I lie. If they know something is wrong and try to get me to talk to them about it, so they can try to help, I cause fights.

I used to think that when people said their heart aches, or that it was breaking, that it was just a phrase. A metaphor. But I do actually feel a horrible dull, yet heavy ache in my heart almost all the time. I've been told that I'm not depressed, though I show most of the symtoms... I just don't know what's wrong with me and its slowly driving me mad. Don't say that there is nothing wrong with me. I know it's a lie and even though you all try to help by saying it, it won't work atm.

I'm not healthy. Mentally healthy people don't have the thoughts I do. When I'm not thinking about ways in which I could be horribly injured and in agony, I'm thinking about hurting those who have wronged me in some way. That isn't healthy, even more so because on the way to class I had a thought of commiting mass murder (in the style of an anime I had watched the previous weekend), and I had no control over it. It was amazingly detailed and the image on my covered in the blood of others didn't freak me out, what did was that I had no control over the thought, as I would normally have.

Wow, this is just a ramble now >.< *sigh* Yeah...
Move if needed.

[Shenron]

Well, this can be caused by a number of things, like a breakup, parental issues, or school problems. We can't really help you unless we know what's going on.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Sadly even I don't know whats wrong. I've bottled everything up for so long that its all messed together and is now one over-whelming ball of angst that I can't control.

[Shenron]

Ah, I see, well Try talking to someone and tell the truth. There is no point in lying whe someone asks how you are doing, if you feel shitty, tell them. Try to let things out a little at a time, and focus on the good things when you feel depressed. Get out, listen to music, or just watch a movie. Distract yourself, but don't stay so distracted that your quality of life suffers. Talk to a professional if you need to, or talk to me, I'm here to help.

Hope I helped! :)

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Thanks... my problem is I can't tell my friends, I'd feel too much of a burden (but people over the internet don't need to care about me xD).

I do have a counsellor. I got refered to a specialist by my old counsellor about my cutting. I'm seeing her for the 3rd time tomorrow...

It just seems that nothing helps...

[Shenron]

HEY!!! I do care about you! I want to help, and I want to see you through this. Just because I dont see you everyday doesn't mean I can't care about you. I love you, I love everyone. If you need to talk please PM me, you are not a burden, you are a person, and I help people :)

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Thanks :\ I just don't know, talking doesn't seem to help me. It's been about 2 weeks since I cut and I feel that I'm going insane without it >.<

Also, I didn't mean you don't care, I just mean you don't have to. Nobody online does, although I am grateful to those that do. xD

[Shenron]

Yeah, I know, I was just making a point :p. But anyway, If talking doesn't help, try listening to music. When I am angry or depressed, I listen to Disturbed. They are driving music (fast and busy) and that helps me just relax. I get lost in the music and let everything go. Music is very powerful, you should try that. If that doesn't work, let me know, maybe I can think of something else.

Oh, BTW, I didnt mean you should listen to Disturbed (although you should they are great) I meant you should try to loose yourself in whatever music you like and let that distract you.

[Discomposure]

I care, and can sorta relate to what your on about. Them thoughts, I get them too, and there horrible, you feel like your going mental. But I know for me, the worst thing is the frustration of not knowing why.

I know I didn't come of much help, just trying to show that I understand you. PM me anytime if you want to chat hun.
<3

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

The music doesn't really help as I have it on all the time. And yes they are good. And sorry. I seem like an attention whore by shooting down all you're ideas >.<

And thank you Amy. And yeah I feel like I'm going crazy because of the thoughts. Its good to know that I'm not alone.

[Shenron]

That's fine, as I said, I am here to help. But maybe it would be better if I asked: What have you tried?

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Heh. Lets see.

I used to write, stories, poetry, diaries and now none of that helps, guess I'm used to it now.
Music I have on all the time.
Reading or movies sometimes help but when I get to the state I'm in atm then I get just restless.
Cleaning and ripping my posters down helps (but I can't do that as my mum is asleep and I'd wake her)
I've tried drawing but can never concentrate on it.
I've also tried putting fake blood on when I wanted to cut. It helped but took too much effort for cleaning off.
Talking to friends I've tried, then stopped cause I felt too much of a burden.
The only thing that ever seems to help is cutting. And that's the one thing I'm trying to stop cause its hurting those close to me...

[Shenron]

Well, you are right about the cutting, you have to stop. I think you should try talking to you friends agian, if they are true friends, they won't see it as a burden, and neither should you. Thats what friends are for. If it weren't for my friends, I would be dead. My friends are the only thing that saved me. I hope this passes for you. Another thing it could be is "withdrawal" from cutting. Cutting is an addiction, and just like smoking, it has its side effects when you quit.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I would think it was the withdrawl, but I've felt like this, although not always to this extreme but yeah. I've had the depression feeling for about 4 years.

[Shenron]

Oh, wow. Well, I'm sorry but I have run out of ideas atm, but I am about to go eat, maybe that will spark something. I will be back later, If I thing of something, I will let you know then.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Okay. Either way, thanks for trying.

[Shenron]

I got another idea lol. Try physical activity, like running or soccer or something. The reason cutting makes you feel good is because it releases endorphins, well running and other physical activity does as well.

[clone]

i also think about harming or killing people around me sadly, it makes me smile i hold in my hatred and dont express it i am worried someone will cause me to injure or kill them i have imagine taking scissors stabing someone make them a X shape and ripping the scissors out of them its very fuc*** up but it's my mindset i feel evil sometimes i know ill probebly get into a fight by the 12th grade and i dont know what to do

the point is your not alone.

[Holding On*]

Morgan I've been the same the last few months. I keep pushing everyone out :/ Just to say, I have no advice but I know how it goes and you aren't alone... hugs

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Thanks guys. Its good to know I'm not alone xD I just wish I knew how to deal with it. I can't risk losing more friends and there is one that I've fought with the past two nights *sigh* And yet, I just can't open up to them. Just the idea of it scares me now.

[clone]

sorry if my last post was graphic :(

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

No no. Well not for me. The thoughts that I have no control over are a lot, and I mean a lot more graphic, so much so it feels like I'm there.

[clone]

ya i cant tell anyone fearing they'll send me to an insane asylum i AM going to hurt this 1 kid i've been imagining putting arsenic in his drink but im not going to murder ima just beat the shit out of him everyone i mean EVERYONE hates him so no one will care i wish i could torture him like cut off limbs and fingers then slice his throat

he doesn't even deserve that good of treatment

[Shenron]

ya i cant tell anyone fearing they'll send me to an insane asylum i AM going to hurt this 1 kid i've been imagining putting arsenic in his drink but im not going to murder ima just beat the shit out of him everyone i mean EVERYONE hates him so no one will care i wish i could torture him like cut off limbs and fingers then slice his throat

he doesn't even deserve that good of treatment

Oh my.......ummmm.....remind me NEVER to piss you off.

Anyway, I was just going to ask for an update. Are things better, worse, or the same?

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

They're just the same really. Although me and that one friend I kept fighting with have made up.

[Shenron]

Great, I'm glad to hear that, and I still think you should talk to your friend. You will NOT be considered a burden.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I guess, I just don't like the idea of telling them now...

[clone]

Oh my.......ummmm.....remind me NEVER to piss you off.

Anyway, I was just going to ask for an update. Are things better, worse, or the same?

lol i would never hurt a vt member i would kill myself before that but lets hope neither of those happen :)