i AM him...

[1_21Guns]

Most of you have probably seen the posts about my dad, his abuse, and the rest. Well its just dawned on me recently. I'm turning into him, i'm actually hitting my mum for no apparant reason, I dont even think, just act. Just like he did. I feel like asking somebody to shoot me, I dont want to be anything close to him, but at the end of the day, half of him is running through my veins, and i hate it. Truthfully, the day my blood stops running will be the happiest day of my life, because it will be the only day he can't steal my happiness from me.

A friend asked me why I hated him, and I said the abuse, but I don't think it was, or its not anymore, it used to be, because I never knew why he was the way he was. Now its the way he stole my smile. The way he'll have it forever, until the day I die. Even when he's gone, he'll still be there shadowing me, stopping the sun shineing in my world.

This was just a vent really. Theres nothing to reply to. I've just had a week from hell last week, and today should of been one of my happier days, but it wasn't. Another friend said to me at lunch today "I havent seen you this happy in while" (I was having an upbeat moment) and at first I took insult, but then I realised shes right. I said down and said "thanks for saying i've beem a miserable bitch for god knows how long" when another friend said "you have been".
And they're both right. I'm tired of living now, but i've understood in my head now, no matter how much I say I want to die, I wont.
Because if we all wanted to die so bad, we'd just give up and die naturally. But we don't, we have to hurt ourselves to die. Which shows we did still have some hope in us, that we don't want to die.
I might be becoming my father, but it doesn't have to happen, i'm me, not him. And no matter how much of him runs through me, i'm still Natalie.

[Discomposure]

I'm really sorry you haven't had a good week. I can relate to you feeling as if your becoming your father, especially if you've been through so much with him. It's awful, it made me sick to my stomach, and made me want to die. But as you said yourself, your you. Let this be a way of stopping yourself becoming him, you've opened your eyes and realised what/who you are becoming, and it's great you know that so you can do something about it :)

If you ever need to talk, PM me anytime, take care <3

[BuryYourFlame]

I think your end statement sums up what I'm thinking pretty well Natalie. You will always have part of your father in you, and there is nothing you can do to change that, but we can grow and learn to accept that and along the way make choices that are different to that path you have decided you do not want to go down. You have power over your choices, you have power over one of the main things that will distinguish you from him personality-wise. Make your choices wisely and make sure they are different from those that he has chosen.

[1_21Guns]

Thanks guys...

[Hyper]

The fact that you posted this and said it how you did.. Means your not ''becoming'' like anybody

When something terrifies us it becomes an unreal fear - everybody is their own person and in reality how we act is fully up to ourselves, for some its just harder than others to be in control

[Ortizitthisone]

Just because you have his genes in your body does not mean you are him. You are NOT him. You are Natalie. The only person you are is Natalie, and the only person you have to answer to is Natalie. You deserve to live a happy life, do not let anyone control you like this.