Was I Raped?

[unsure]

I need advice. Im not sure if I was raped. My parents told me after I told them what had happened that I was, but I am not sure if they are just being protective parents.

I had known this guy for close to two years before the incident. We did not know eachother well. One night we were at a party together. I drank a lot of alcohol and pretty soon was stumbling around barely able to keep my balance. I went into the bedroom and shut the door because I didnt feel good and wanted to sleep.

Probably like ten minutes later the guy comes into the room and lays down in the bed with me. He begins reaching over and putting his hand around my waste. I remember repeatedly telling him I dont feel good and that Im too drunk and to shut up because there was a 6th month old child sleeping in her crib just a few feet away. He continued on. I was in no right state of mind to determine whether or not to have consensual sex, and I would not have agreed to it if I wasnt drunk...I was supposed to deploy with my Army unit to Afghanistan in just a month and did not want to take ANY chance at getting pregnant. Eventually he started having sex with me. The rrom was spinning, my mind was racing...and I kept blacking in and out. This guy was 6 years older than me as well.

I didnt do anything, no morning after pill nothing. 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I hadnt talked to the guy since. Because of my faith I have a pro-life view and I believed rape, incest, medical concerns to the mother were acceptable reasons to terminate a pregnancy. I remembered reading a magazine about a girl who was raped and had gotten pregnant and decided to keep her baby. I admired her for what she did because she realized that the child did not ask to be brought into the world that way.

I decided to keep my baby. About a week later the guy called me and I told him I was pregnant. He was excited, which made me sick. He called me a couple days later and started listing off possible names, which made me sicker. All I could think was I am 6 years younger than you with a whole future that is put on hold, and you want to think about names? I was still trying to figure out a way to tell my parents and Commander I would not be deploying.

My question is: Is what happened to me rape? I eventually just took it because I was sick and tired and drunk?

I have since told him not to speak to me, that this is my body and my baby and I will not have him anything to do with it. I just need closure. I just want to know what is a definition for what happened to me?

[MyNameIsJack]

Well, maybe he is a good guy. And he was very very drunk too, and if he called you and you told him that you are pregnant and he reacted in a good way, that's really good, it could be worst if he didn't call you.

Good luck

[mrmcdonaldduck]

it was rape, but at least he isnt running away. he is trying to help you with the baby, so be glad of that. but it is still rape.

[artex]

it was rape and since you apparently have love for the guy its up to you if you keep him involved id say no and would consider possible a criminal charge?? if you havent already
the being drunk is no excuse for either of you NO means no!!

[Ryhanna]

Yeah well... Im not exactly sure if its rape you know... if you eventually agreed to do it and he didn't just like force you down then its not rape but if he like didn't give you an option then its a yes. It dosen't matter if either of you were drunk, you still said yes so it wouldnt be rape

[Fusion]

To me it was rape, it wasn't consensual, at least you now know he will be there for you but I think you should have full custody over the child after all he raped you, please keep us updated on how your pregnancy is going :)

and I applaud you for not giving up the baby :)

[Zephyr]

You told him not to do it,
And he did it anyway.
That's taking advantage of an intoxicated person,
Which is by no means consensual.
It was rape,
Though not the violent kind that we're used to hearing about.

If he's willing to help out with the baby though,
I'd let him rather than push him away hun.

[nick]

It was definitely rape, it doesnt matter that no force was involved. You were drunk and did not give consent, you were in no fit state to resist.

If I was in your position I would hate that guy and not want ever to see him again or for him to come anywhere near the child. He's a rapist and has no rights in the matter.

[Shalom]

In a sense yes you were drunk and you might not remember, but you could've possibly said yes to the sex after his begging. At least he is trying to be in the babies life. All you can do is move on from this and take care of that kid with him involved as much as possible! Also, 6 years isn't much of an age difference. It very well could have been considered rape, but I don't know how extreme it was.

[unsure]

that just astounds me that people will say its rape but then tell me to keep him in the baby's life.


by law, he has no parental right to this child.

i am nearly four months pregnant now.
he hasnt even attempted to get in contact with me since i was a month along.

[nick]

Its a really terrible thing to have happened and for it to mess up all of your plans. I admire you for going ahead and having the baby. I hope it all goes well, really best wishes and good luck.

[unsure]

and i disagree with 6 years is not that big of a difference i am 18. he is 24 gonna be 25. He is a grown man, I am the age of his youngest sister.

thanks justnick

[Giles]

It was rape. If I was you, I'd press charges and "force" him to help out with the child.

[Ortizitthisone]

Force is not necessarily always considered in cases of rape.

In most parts of the world, an intoxicated individual can not legally consent to a sex act. Therefore, anyone who takes advantage of that fact has committed rape.

[Ryhanna]

I'm still not entirely sure its rape. And i just have to say (sorry if this is a bit off subject) That men are the victims of sexism when it comes to rape and sex. You know, they were both drunk - he probably wouldn't have done it sober, and she didn't refuse either. He sounds like a good guy, he wants to help her with the baby, he's already helping with names - which to me, sounds like a way for him to try and make up for hurting you because he didn't mean to do it to you. Give him a bit of a chance, remember that if he does it again or it turns out that he DID rape you, then you can walk away and get rid of him. but pressing charges for rape if you were both drunk and everything isnt fair. I think that women can be too afraid of being raped so when a man makes a mistake they can seriously take it the wrong way and consider it rape even when its not

[nick]

I'm still not entirely sure its rape.
It certainly is rape in UK law.

She has said several times now that she doesn't want the guy to be involved with the baby. Why cant you guys understand that? It must feel life being assaulted all over again to have you guys suggesting she should somehow kiss and make up.

[Sapphire]

The guy is the biological father and therefore, no matter how the child was concieved, he has rights. You are not the only one who is going to become a parent. If he were to want access to the child after it's born then you can't stop him purely on these grounds. But if he were to want access then I am sure that an arrangement can be agreed with the courts so that you wouldn't have to face him.

You were sexually assaulted and pressurised into sex. That is slightly different from rape but is by no means any less of a crime or any less damaging.

I am in no way suggesting you continue forgive and forget. He violated and took advantage of you which shouldn't be forgotten. I'm just trying to give you a realistic view of it all.

[Ortizitthisone]

If he does go after the child for his parental rights, then one thing you could do is press criminal charges against him. That would keep him away from the child, if that's what you want.

[unsure]

The guy is the biological father and therefore, no matter how the child was concieved, he has rights. You are not the only one who is going to become a parent. If he were to want access to the child after it's born then you can't stop him purely on these grounds. But if he were to want access then I am sure that an arrangement can be agreed with the courts so that you wouldn't have to face him.

You were sexually assaulted and pressurised into sex. That is slightly different from rape but is by no means any less of a crime or any less damaging.

I am in no way suggesting you continue forgive and forget. He violated and took advantage of you which shouldn't be forgotten. I'm just trying to give you a realistic view of it all.

That's where you are wrong. By law, a man that gets a woman pregnant due to sexual assault or rape has automatically terminated any parental right he has to the child. He has no right to the child whatsoever, not even surpervised visitation. And even if that wasn't the law you believe that someone who rapes a woman should even be around the child? Wow.... I was not pressured into having sex. I told him no and to go away and he proceeded to have sex with someone who was passed out drunk.

[Ortizitthisone]

By law, a man that gets a woman pregnant due to sexual assault or rape has automatically terminated any parental right he has to the child.

Well, that's not necessarily true. It depends on your jurisdiction. While I DO NOT AT ALL believe that any 'man' (can you really call him that?) who gets a woman pregnant by raping her should have parental rights, in many areas, he does.

EDIT: The only issue is that, if he does go after those parental rights, he'd be implicating himself in a crime. Keep that in mind.

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagg]

Wow. I was raped and Im pregnant now. I'm keeping the baby as well and am really excited for it. (felt the need to share that just because of the coincidence) Anyways, you were raped because you didn't give consent and you didn't want it.

I'm not letting the guy that raped me see my kid without me there. I don't believe he has any right to even hold MY baby. I have someone that loves me and he will be the father not this man that raped me.

[Sapphire]

That's where you are wrong. By law, a man that gets a woman pregnant due to sexual assault or rape has automatically terminated any parental right he has to the child. He has no right to the child whatsoever, not even surpervised visitation. And even if that wasn't the law you believe that someone who rapes a woman should even be around the child? Wow.... I was not pressured into having sex. I told him no and to go away and he proceeded to have sex with someone who was passed out drunk.If you knew the answer (which you clearly did by the wording of your OP) then why are you asking the question? Lol.

See, I don't think if this guy had affected you in such a way you would then tell him voluntarily that he had made you pregnant. That would be like leaving yourself open to violation by him yet again (by that I mean his reaction to the news).

I think it was irresponsible of you not to get the morning after pill as well (it is effective for 72 hours and so you had plenty of time). You wouldn't be pregnant as a result of his actions if you had actually taken this tablet.

And you will find that men do have parental rights in some countries - regardless of the nature of the conception.

[unsure]

If you knew the answer (which you clearly did by the wording of your OP) then why are you asking the question? Lol.

See, I don't think if this guy had affected you in such a way you would then tell him voluntarily that he had made you pregnant. That would be like leaving yourself open to violation by him yet again (by that I mean his reaction to the news).

I think it was irresponsible of you not to get the morning after pill as well (it is effective for 72 hours and so you had plenty of time). You wouldn't be pregnant as a result of his actions if you had actually taken this tablet.

And you will find that men do have parental rights in some countries - regardless of the nature of the conception.

well, that may be your opinion. BUT LIKE I SAID, my faith as in religion, has a lot to do with it. I do not believe in a morning after pill, or as I like to call it the aborion pill. You do not know me, nor do you have any right to tell me what I should have done. I cant change the past now can I? I wasnt asking on anyones opinion on whether or not to let this man into my childs life, i was asking for what people thought could have happened to be. was it sexual assault? was it rape? So before you get all high and mighty, and think that you know what is right for me, have some respect and ask yourself what you would do if this happened to you.

[Lost and Confused1]

In my eyes, it was rape. Intoxicated or not, he needed a yes, not a no. You are so incredibly strong for going through to keep the baby. Even though you had to put your life on hold, for something you had no control over. That is definitely hard. I have been put in your position when I was younger. So I know that times like this can be hard. Maybe if he does contact you again, possibly ask him to give some support money, or something so that you can be able to raise the child. Keep in mind, motherhood for an 18 year old, will be hard, but not impossible. Stay strong, keep your head up.

Have you considered talking to someone like a therapist? They might help you if your still upset over the entire situation.

[Sapphire]

Abortion pill? Lol, that has to be the single most ignorant thing you've said!
If you are pregnant already then the morning after pill will have no effect at all. It prevents you from becoming pregnant. But it doesn't terminate a pregnancy and so cannot be an "abortion pill".

I sincerely doubt that you ever even suspected that this was anything less than rape because of the wording in your OP and the way you reacted to me when I suggested as such.

And don't you dare tell me that I should be considering what I would do in your position. I've been through (dare I say) worse than this and can tell you that I was always careful not to let such an awful event result in pregnancy.

You were a victim. But you were also ignorant and irresponsible.

[Grey fox]

It was rape, you should press charges. Just because he was nice initially doesn't mean he will always be. As you said, now he's not talking to you, he will probably avoid having anything to do with you or the baby and you will receive no benefit allowances from him unless you take legal action.

Personally I think you are being foolish to keep the baby, as you will be tied down and unable to move on in life for the next 18 years.

Also, how can you be pro-life and be in the army?? WTF??

[clone]

well it WAS rape but it's your decision to press charges he doesnt deserve ANY rights to the child i am glad you desided to have the child for that you are strong i hope everything works out gl with everything =)

[Eagle1]

it WAS rape i do respect your decision to keep the baby. And I would like to thank you for serving our country if i may ask what is your mos?

[xHELPMEPLZx]

Part of me wants to say this is rape and part of me doesn't. I'm sorry it's just if you consider this rape then any girl who was drunk while having sex could say they were raped, well anyone who was drunk enough to blackout. Also, I think he thought it was consensual only because he called you and he was happy about it. I really hope this doesn't offend you at all. But good luck with the baby hun and if you need to talk I'm here.

[WonderChild]

I think it was rape because you told him no, but he kept on. I think he should send money not be there to take care of the baby because I recall you didn't really know him. If I were you I would charge him with sexual assult or rape(... dunno laws... just turned 13..)

[Sapphire]

I'm sorry it's just if you consider this rape then any girl who was drunk while having sex could say they were raped, well anyone who was drunk enough to blackout.
Agreed.

[Shenron]

Part of me wants to say this is rape and part of me doesn't. I'm sorry it's just if you consider this rape then any girl who was drunk while having sex could say they were raped, well anyone who was drunk enough to blackout. Also, I think he thought it was consensual only because he called you and he was happy about it. I really hope this doesn't offend you at all. But good luck with the baby hun and if you need to talk I'm here.


A valid point, but still, taking advantage of an intoxicated person is a crime.

[Sapphire]

taking advantage of an intoxicated person is a crime.And which law is that you are referring to, may I ask?

[Shenron]

And which law is that you are referring to, may I ask?

This is from the VA codebook. Depending on what state she is in, the wording may be different.

A. If any person has sexual intercourse with a complaining witness who is not his or her spouse or causes a complaining witness, whether or not his or her spouse, to engage in sexual intercourse with any other person and such act is accomplished (i) against the complaining witness's will, by force, threat or intimidation of or against the complaining witness or another person, or (ii) through the use of the complaining witness's mental incapacity or physical helplessness, or (iii) with a child under age thirteen as the victim, he or she shall be guilty of rape.

B. If any person has sexual intercourse with his or her spouse and such act is accomplished against the spouse's will by force, threat or intimidation of or against the spouse or another, he or she shall be guilty of rape. However, no person shall be found guilty under this subsection unless, at the time of the alleged offense, (i) the spouses were living separate and apart, or (ii) the defendant caused serious physical injury to the spouse by the use of force or violence.

C. A violation of this section shall be punishable, in the discretion of the court or jury, by confinement in a state correctional facility for life or for any term not less than five years. There shall be a rebuttable presumption that a juvenile over the age of 10 but less than 12, does not possess the physical capacity to commit a violation of this section. In any case deemed appropriate by the court, all or part of any sentence imposed for a violation of subsection B may be suspended upon the defendant's completion of counseling or therapy, if not already provided, in the manner prescribed under §19.2-218.1 if, after consideration of the views of the complaining witness and such other evidence as may be relevant, the court finds such action will promote maintenance of the family unit and will be in the best interest of the complaining witness.

D. Upon a finding of guilt under subsection B in any case tried by the court without a jury, the court, without entering a judgment of guilt, upon motion of the defendant and with the consent of the complaining witness and the attorney for the Commonwealth, may defer further proceedings and place the defendant on probation pending completion of counseling or therapy, if not already provided, in the manner prescribed under §19.2-218.1. If the defendant fails to so complete such counseling or therapy, the court may make final disposition of the case and proceed as otherwise provided. If such counseling is completed as prescribed under §19.2-218.1, the court may discharge the defendant and dismiss the proceedings against him if, after consideration of the views of the complaining witness and such other evidence as may be relevant, the court finds such action will promote maintenance of the family unit and be in the best interest of the complaining witness

This is from the US Federal codebook

Section 2242. Sexual abuse (1/5/99)
Whoever, in the special maritime and territorial jurisdiction of the United States or in a Federal
prison, knowingly -
(1) causes another person to engage in a sexual act by threatening or placing that other person
in fear (other than by threatening or placing that other person in fear that any person will be
subjected to death, serious bodily injury, or kidnapping); or
(2) engages in a sexual act with another person if that other person is -
(A) incapable of appraising the nature of the conduct; or
(B) physically incapable of declining participation in, or communicating unwillingness to
engage in, that sexual act; or attempts to do so, shall be fined under this title, imprisoned not
more than 20 years, or both.

[Sapphire]

I'm still waiting to see a law that states that intoxication renders an individual completely incapable of consenting to a sexual act.

[Shenron]

This is from the VA codebook. Depending on what state she is in, the wording may be different.

A. If any person has sexual intercourse with a complaining witness through the use of the complaining witness's mental incapacity or physical helplessness he or she shall be guilty of rape.

In the U.S. Intoxication is admissable in court as proof that the complaining witness was mentally incapacitated. But these laws are completely based on a complaining witness so if she didn't submit that into evidence, it wouldn't be considered.

The courts also do not require the complaining witness to prove the intoxication submission. I'm not entirely sure what code that is, but I know it's somewhere. I take Criminal Justice and we just finished our unit on rape, we covered all of the aforementioned laws and situatuions.

[diamond jetstream]

.........................................when its rubbed in your face it still isnt enough is it. (good job chris 1474)sapphire how do you get off talking to people the way you do ive been folowing your posts and all you do is spite people who have serious problems. this girl was sexually assaulted and even as far as raped and you say she is ignorant and iresponsible this is sooooo nasty sorry [unsure] for the way sapphire is talking to you and i believe that it was sexual assault and you are well within your rights to want CLOSURE on the situation and not have sapphire putting salt on your wounds.ughhh people sometimes........

[Ladybird94]

You might not have said no but you definitely didn't say yes. As to his involvement in the child's life, it's your choice and you shouldnt be swayed but considering you think he raped you, won't that always be looming over you?

Hope you figure it out x

[Sapphire]

.........................................when its rubbed in your face it still isnt enough is it. (good job chris 1474)sapphire how do you get off talking to people the way you do ive been folowing your posts and all you do is spite people who have serious problems. this girl was sexually assaulted and even as far as raped and you say she is ignorant and iresponsible this is sooooo nasty sorry [unsure] for the way sapphire is talking to you and i believe that it was sexual assault and you are well within your rights to want CLOSURE on the situation and not have sapphire putting salt on your wounds.ughhh people sometimes........
LOL!
She is ignorant and irresponsible.

A well informed person does not label the morning after pill as an "abortion pill".
A responsible person does not leave a pregnancy to chance after an episode like this.

How you can say otherwise is beyond me.

And btw, I do give sound advice - I just don't feel the necessity to be overly nice to people who have made stupid decisions.

[diamond jetstream]

stupid decisions .......if you dont know what curtesy is then i pity you.you need to learn some manners because one day youll be nasty to someone in person like this and youll be sorry for it then.what goes around comes around

[nick]

Most of us on here are going to get drunk sometime I guess, yes that's stupid but its a normal mistake that everyone makes sometimes. It certainly doesnt give anyone else the right to assault or rape you.

[Sapphire]

stupid decisions .......if you dont know what curtesy is then i pity you.you need to learn some manners because one day youll be nasty to someone in person like this and youll be sorry for it then.what goes around comes around
LOL!

Maybe try getting to know someone before you try to tell them what will come of them...It's often useful...

[Shenron]

LOL!
She is ignorant and irresponsible.

A well informed person does not label the morning after pill as an "abortion pill".
A responsible person does not leave a pregnancy to chance after an episode like this.

What she chooses to call it is up to her. I can see her logic, because on the morning after, the deed has already been done, and taking the pill terminates or prevents the pregnancy. So in her eyes it is like having an early abortion.

And as far as leaving the pregnancy to chance, she didn't, she decided that if she got pregnant she would keep the baby.

[Triceratops]

Guys, try to stay on topic and not let this blow out of proportion or else I'll lock the thread.

Answering to the OP's question; I wouldn't necessarily call this rape but I would class this is a sexual assault as he clearly took advantage of the fact that you were drunk, so he could get you to have sex with him without your submission. Well there's another reason why you should know your limits...

Whether you wish to keep this child is clearly your own choice, but if this man wants to help with the child then I really don't think you should disallow him to do so.

[Sapphire]

What she chooses to call it is up to her. I can see her logic, because on the morning after, the deed has already been done, and taking the pill terminates or prevents the pregnancy. So in her eyes it is like having an early abortion.It does not terminate a pregnancy (as I have already said) so it absolutey cannot be an "abortion pill".
Any informed person will know that - if they don't then they are not informed and are, by definition, ignorant.

And as far as leaving the pregnancy to chance, she didn't, she decided that if she got pregnant she would keep the baby.She did leave it to chance as she didn't get the morning after pill.

[diamond jetstream]

stop calling people ignorant when that is you and take a leaf out of anyone book and treat unsure with respect or go away and stop posting here cause your input isnt wanted.also ive read enough to no that you have utter disregard for anyone who doesnt have the same oppinion as you and you will one day maybe gone or still to come get whats coming to you.i think the issue has been dealt with and there is nothing else to add to this thread so it should b locked.

[BuryYourFlame]

Do not backseat mod, if you have a problem with someone's post or think a thread should be locked, report it, there is no need to discuss it in the thread.

Seeing as the OP has been inactive for over a week, and the question has already largely been answered, I am locking this thread.