1_21Guns
September 19th, 2009, 07:22 PM
I dunno, i just feel really low all of a sudden, maybe its just my cold, they always effect my personality,
or maybe its the bottle of alcopop resting in my lap that will be the last one i have for a long while.
maybe its my suddenly lower than ever low self esteem, to the point i look at pictures of my friends, and turn green.
maybe its because everytime my cat knocks the pencil sharpener off the top of the wardrobe, it reminds me its there, and that throwing it up there wont make it go away.
maybe the flashbacks from manchester i've been having all day while i was there have finally got to me
maybe the fact i only walked a quater of the way home on my own tonight left me with little time to think
maybe the fact that my grandparents are on holiday in greece, the one place that when i went, i finally felt safe, millions of miles away from my dad, millions of miles away from my life, millions of miles away from it all. where i could finally breathe and clear my head, the way i had my own little place up there on the very top of a hill, where i could be left to think clearly
maybe its the suicidal thoughts that keep sneaking up on me are finally makeing themselves known.
maybe its because i need to talk to somebody now, and i have to go in 10 minutes, and i have nobody, theres somebody i could talk to, but shes busy with her own problems, i managed to make worse -___- i dont know why i even bother sometimes
maybe its none of the above, maybe its all of them, but i dont know, i just needed a vent. seeing as i cant talk, and by morning i will probably be over it, i had to get it out. meh. i just feel like giving up. im fed up of it all now. the sleepless nights, the way theres always something going wrong, how my family have suddenly decided to be at each others throats, the way my cousin is being bullied by a girl, and i'm expected to sort it out by my family - by fighting, something which i grew out of and stay away from. why does my mum have to tell me my auntie and uncle are falling apart? why does she have to tell me my whole family are a mess? what am i even doing here?
i'll be okay. i always am. just walk around pretending nothings going wrong because despite the fact im a child, i'm the one who has to be strong and keep everything together. i know my mum and aunties relationship is tearing, my mums now telling me things she'd usually tell her.
i wish i'd never done what i did. it was the biggest mistake of my life, telling my mum i'd rather my mum and dad split. it was selfish, and a stupid thing to do. y'know, i found out that a "friend" said i was selfish and only think of myself... maybe she was right =/
or maybe its the bottle of alcopop resting in my lap that will be the last one i have for a long while.
maybe its my suddenly lower than ever low self esteem, to the point i look at pictures of my friends, and turn green.
maybe its because everytime my cat knocks the pencil sharpener off the top of the wardrobe, it reminds me its there, and that throwing it up there wont make it go away.
maybe the flashbacks from manchester i've been having all day while i was there have finally got to me
maybe the fact i only walked a quater of the way home on my own tonight left me with little time to think
maybe the fact that my grandparents are on holiday in greece, the one place that when i went, i finally felt safe, millions of miles away from my dad, millions of miles away from my life, millions of miles away from it all. where i could finally breathe and clear my head, the way i had my own little place up there on the very top of a hill, where i could be left to think clearly
maybe its the suicidal thoughts that keep sneaking up on me are finally makeing themselves known.
maybe its because i need to talk to somebody now, and i have to go in 10 minutes, and i have nobody, theres somebody i could talk to, but shes busy with her own problems, i managed to make worse -___- i dont know why i even bother sometimes
maybe its none of the above, maybe its all of them, but i dont know, i just needed a vent. seeing as i cant talk, and by morning i will probably be over it, i had to get it out. meh. i just feel like giving up. im fed up of it all now. the sleepless nights, the way theres always something going wrong, how my family have suddenly decided to be at each others throats, the way my cousin is being bullied by a girl, and i'm expected to sort it out by my family - by fighting, something which i grew out of and stay away from. why does my mum have to tell me my auntie and uncle are falling apart? why does she have to tell me my whole family are a mess? what am i even doing here?
i'll be okay. i always am. just walk around pretending nothings going wrong because despite the fact im a child, i'm the one who has to be strong and keep everything together. i know my mum and aunties relationship is tearing, my mums now telling me things she'd usually tell her.
i wish i'd never done what i did. it was the biggest mistake of my life, telling my mum i'd rather my mum and dad split. it was selfish, and a stupid thing to do. y'know, i found out that a "friend" said i was selfish and only think of myself... maybe she was right =/