Jagador
September 18th, 2009, 05:54 AM
As you can read from the title, i had a complete mental melt down...
I'll start where it happened. I come home from school, and i let my mom know im in a very cranky and upset mood for a reason i have no clue of. She respects that, and leaves me be. She left for a Typing class at a college. Like 30 minutes after, my sister comes home. I told her not to bug me or annoying me because im not in a good mood. She just HAD TO bug me. She wouldn't leave me alone. I went on my facebook, and started to post my pictures on there. She gave me a fit saying i shouldn't be putting pictures of myself. BULLCRAP! She has her own pictures on her facebook/myspace, so why shouldn't I? Then she said in a sarcastic tone"I don't want you posting pictures of me on there" So i told her fine, i won't, im only putting selective pictures. She still wouldn't leave me alone, i told her like 50 gazillion times to leave me alone. At some points, i started telling her to "Leave me the fuck alone." at the top of my lungs,
I couldn't stand that woman! She is just like my mom!! I proved a point in my argument, and asked it 3 times in anger, and in spite. She freaken slapped me! I retaliated with a hard punch on her arm. She threw her peach at my face, and i socked her again. I was SO FKING PISSED!!! She wouldn't leave me ALLOONNEE!!!!! She unplugged the internet while im doing whatever i was doing, and i just lost it all. I swung at her, but my brother caught me. He puled me away, i kicked him, and hit him really hard, near his groin, and its like, he has none, because he felt no pain.
I escaped his grasp, and headed into my room to be left alone. But NOOOO that ugly hoar had to follow me. She started taking my stuff out of my room!! First thing that was going was the computer. She has NO RIGHT to do so, my mom gave that to me, not her!! I was furious!!!!! I punched her 2 more times, one on her back, and 1 on her side. She wouldn't stop, so while she was standing there pulling the plugs on my computer, practically nearly ruining my data(it was on) i pushed her....HARD. She fell, and hit her hip against the table. She was hurt, and my head was clouded with anger. My brother tried to help her, but her response was "No, don't help me or him, i want him to see what the fuck he did to me, and he is going to regret it."
I walked out of the house, got as far as possible. I went like 5 miles out. Farthest i've ever been. And while i was walking out, i called my best friend, and let her know what happened. After that, i called my mom, but she was in class, so she couldn't do anything, except say "I gotta go" after like 30 seconds. And i called my Therapist. It took him awhile to reply to my voice mail because he was busy. As i'm walking, my head just starts throbbing with anger, sadness, and no other emotion.
I kept thinking in my head..."Why didn't i die when i first did suicide..." I couldn't stop thinking that!!! I'm ballin my eyes out, trying to find someone who would listen to me, but i know everyone will take my sister's side of the damn story because shes the female. I told my cuzins what happened(some of them) and they tried to give me comfort and everything, but nothing worked. I was too deep in a hole.... I couldn't help myself. All the sad thoughts in my head over ran my actual feelings. It was like i was a different person.
My cuzin... lying out of his mouth, told me WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE.... Bullcrap again!!! I asked him..."So you have experienced near death by suicide?" And his response was "Yes, WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE...YOUR A TEEN" At that point, he just ticked me off.. lying to me while im so pissed!! what an ass!! Everything i thought was anger, sadness, and then eventually, sadness. After my Mental Crisis, i went into a deep state of depression. Nothing that i thought was funny was anymore. I couldn't smile, i couldn't do anything except think hard. As to why i'm still living, as to why my life is a piece of shit... and why no one is helping me....Not even my therapist helped me. All he did was listen to what i said, called my mom to calm her down because she was worried about me, and never called back.
As i was out there, my cuzins kept telling me "Think of you mom." Well how the hell am i suppose to do that when im so down, depressed, and outraged! And then i told my other cuzin who is a school administrator, that this didn't happen often. That it was once in a blue moon. All she said was "Twice in 5 months isn't once in a blue moon." OMG she seriously doesn't know how to comfort people. It made me hate her more than i did before!!! I seriously wish that sometimes, my whole family disappeared, that i was alone to do what i wanted. And there are times that i wish i seriously was dead, that i could just lie in my grave, alone, away from this cruel world. Away from the misery, pain, and misfortune that is upon me. I just wish sometimes that i wasn't existent.........
Ugh, it took me 4 hours to recooperate and finally be able to return home. I had a hard time clearing my head. I was later in a very deep state of depression for about 3 hours. And i currently am depressed right now, but no as bad as before. I'm slowly regaining my conscienceness.
Right now, im doing fine. I'm still depressed, but not as much as before. currently have 2 bloody scratch marks on my arm, and my sister has a bruise on her hip. I'm skipping school tomorrow to full recover from last nights/today's incident.... I never went home till my dad went to sleep, because knowing him... he will be all over my ass. So Today(later on) if he does start hitting me, im phoning the cops, asap. I've lived long enough in fear of that ass who doesn't give a crap about me... I'm waiting for everything to end. Who knows, maybe ill move to New York with my aunt to finish high school... but i just started a new school, so i don't know yet....
Sorry for the super long essay, its just my life is so complicated....
It is 4:am (PST) and approx 5:30am VT time.. im going to try to sleep, but i can't be sure that i will sleep... now that i know my dad is home for today and weekend, i am going to try to avoid him as much as i can...
I'll start where it happened. I come home from school, and i let my mom know im in a very cranky and upset mood for a reason i have no clue of. She respects that, and leaves me be. She left for a Typing class at a college. Like 30 minutes after, my sister comes home. I told her not to bug me or annoying me because im not in a good mood. She just HAD TO bug me. She wouldn't leave me alone. I went on my facebook, and started to post my pictures on there. She gave me a fit saying i shouldn't be putting pictures of myself. BULLCRAP! She has her own pictures on her facebook/myspace, so why shouldn't I? Then she said in a sarcastic tone"I don't want you posting pictures of me on there" So i told her fine, i won't, im only putting selective pictures. She still wouldn't leave me alone, i told her like 50 gazillion times to leave me alone. At some points, i started telling her to "Leave me the fuck alone." at the top of my lungs,
I couldn't stand that woman! She is just like my mom!! I proved a point in my argument, and asked it 3 times in anger, and in spite. She freaken slapped me! I retaliated with a hard punch on her arm. She threw her peach at my face, and i socked her again. I was SO FKING PISSED!!! She wouldn't leave me ALLOONNEE!!!!! She unplugged the internet while im doing whatever i was doing, and i just lost it all. I swung at her, but my brother caught me. He puled me away, i kicked him, and hit him really hard, near his groin, and its like, he has none, because he felt no pain.
I escaped his grasp, and headed into my room to be left alone. But NOOOO that ugly hoar had to follow me. She started taking my stuff out of my room!! First thing that was going was the computer. She has NO RIGHT to do so, my mom gave that to me, not her!! I was furious!!!!! I punched her 2 more times, one on her back, and 1 on her side. She wouldn't stop, so while she was standing there pulling the plugs on my computer, practically nearly ruining my data(it was on) i pushed her....HARD. She fell, and hit her hip against the table. She was hurt, and my head was clouded with anger. My brother tried to help her, but her response was "No, don't help me or him, i want him to see what the fuck he did to me, and he is going to regret it."
I walked out of the house, got as far as possible. I went like 5 miles out. Farthest i've ever been. And while i was walking out, i called my best friend, and let her know what happened. After that, i called my mom, but she was in class, so she couldn't do anything, except say "I gotta go" after like 30 seconds. And i called my Therapist. It took him awhile to reply to my voice mail because he was busy. As i'm walking, my head just starts throbbing with anger, sadness, and no other emotion.
I kept thinking in my head..."Why didn't i die when i first did suicide..." I couldn't stop thinking that!!! I'm ballin my eyes out, trying to find someone who would listen to me, but i know everyone will take my sister's side of the damn story because shes the female. I told my cuzins what happened(some of them) and they tried to give me comfort and everything, but nothing worked. I was too deep in a hole.... I couldn't help myself. All the sad thoughts in my head over ran my actual feelings. It was like i was a different person.
My cuzin... lying out of his mouth, told me WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE.... Bullcrap again!!! I asked him..."So you have experienced near death by suicide?" And his response was "Yes, WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE...YOUR A TEEN" At that point, he just ticked me off.. lying to me while im so pissed!! what an ass!! Everything i thought was anger, sadness, and then eventually, sadness. After my Mental Crisis, i went into a deep state of depression. Nothing that i thought was funny was anymore. I couldn't smile, i couldn't do anything except think hard. As to why i'm still living, as to why my life is a piece of shit... and why no one is helping me....Not even my therapist helped me. All he did was listen to what i said, called my mom to calm her down because she was worried about me, and never called back.
As i was out there, my cuzins kept telling me "Think of you mom." Well how the hell am i suppose to do that when im so down, depressed, and outraged! And then i told my other cuzin who is a school administrator, that this didn't happen often. That it was once in a blue moon. All she said was "Twice in 5 months isn't once in a blue moon." OMG she seriously doesn't know how to comfort people. It made me hate her more than i did before!!! I seriously wish that sometimes, my whole family disappeared, that i was alone to do what i wanted. And there are times that i wish i seriously was dead, that i could just lie in my grave, alone, away from this cruel world. Away from the misery, pain, and misfortune that is upon me. I just wish sometimes that i wasn't existent.........
Ugh, it took me 4 hours to recooperate and finally be able to return home. I had a hard time clearing my head. I was later in a very deep state of depression for about 3 hours. And i currently am depressed right now, but no as bad as before. I'm slowly regaining my conscienceness.
Right now, im doing fine. I'm still depressed, but not as much as before. currently have 2 bloody scratch marks on my arm, and my sister has a bruise on her hip. I'm skipping school tomorrow to full recover from last nights/today's incident.... I never went home till my dad went to sleep, because knowing him... he will be all over my ass. So Today(later on) if he does start hitting me, im phoning the cops, asap. I've lived long enough in fear of that ass who doesn't give a crap about me... I'm waiting for everything to end. Who knows, maybe ill move to New York with my aunt to finish high school... but i just started a new school, so i don't know yet....
Sorry for the super long essay, its just my life is so complicated....
It is 4:am (PST) and approx 5:30am VT time.. im going to try to sleep, but i can't be sure that i will sleep... now that i know my dad is home for today and weekend, i am going to try to avoid him as much as i can...