I'm breaking down, I just can't handle it anymore, I was better than this!

[Blue63]

I’m falling apart, I’m breaking down, I use to be so strong, so smart, and it feels like I just can’t do it anymore. I’m at a hard, academic, private school. My parents sent me there in 6th grade, I understand why. I’m a sophomore there. I use to be smart, but things don’t come naturally to me anymore. I was just an over achiever, now I’m slipping. I can feel the pressure, so much pressure. By my parents, society, and most of all myself, I just don’t know what to do. My grades have to be perfect, and if there not I freak out, which causes worse grades.

I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been having personal “Episodes” like this for a while, where I just don’t want to go on, I’m done, I can’t do it. I could never kill myself; it would destroy my parents, my family. But recently, I just don’t want to wake up the next day. I have to work my ass off in school, next year will be harder, and the year after that. I have to prove myself and get into a good college. I have to do well there. Part of me wants to go to med school, I know my dad wants me to. 5 years of hard, demanding Medical school. Then an internship, residency, fellowship, I’d love it, but I don’t think I can make it. I don’t think I can make it to tomorrow.

I don’t self harm, never have, never could. I’m religious, as a Catholic Christian. I’m just so scared, about everything. I’m breaking down, I can’t handle my parents, my friends, the social norm, most of all I just can’t handle myself.

I know I need professional help, I need it so bad, I crave it. I can’t bring myself to ask my parents to go. Everything has a scarlet conclusion in there world, rainbows and unicorns 24/7.

I’m losing myself, I just, I just have all these emotions built up in my stomach and I just want to scream but I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No, that’s a lie, I know my issues. High Anxiety, Zero confidence, issues with death, and all this god damn pressure that I can’t escape from. I’m sick of trying to be perfect; I just can’t do it anymore. But I can’t bring myself to stop.

I know tomorrow I will have swallowed it all like I have so many times in the past. So I’m going to put this out here, right now. I’m sitting here close to tears, just wanting things to be normal. The worst part is I don’t know what normal is. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I just want this feeling to go away! Advice on how to deal with all this shit going on inside me? It comes and goes. It's like I'm in pain! Usually triggered by something, I just, just, I’m breaking down…

Please, help me, I beg of you.

[Jagador]

Hmm.. i know how you feel. I used to be like that. But that is behind me now. In me, i found that there is no way to be perfect. Think to yourself that you don't have to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and it is ok. All you need to do is get up and try again. By reading what you have put down, it seems like you are in a state of depression. When someone is depressed, it causes the person to be inactive, and thus lowering grades, social life, everything just crashes down. I can't help cure the depression because i am currently in a bad state of depression myself, but i can help to what i know.

I suggest that you try not to be perfect 24/7. Be a little laid back. but not so much that you drop your grades because your lazy. If you have to get perfect A's, just think that B's are just as good. Being laid back will help to release tension on yourself. I'm pretty much laid back myself, and im doing better every day. if you can't manage to do this. Tell either your mom or dad about your problem. Usually your mom will be the most understanding. If you do tell them your problems, ask them to take you to see a psychiatrist. However, do becareful which ones you get. Some only sit there and listen and barely give advice. If you don't want to go see a psychiatrist, you can use a good friend as a replacement psychiatrist. I have both currently, and it helps alot.

If you don't wish to do that, then find your favorite hobby, and release your emotions on there. For instance i play computer games, and i release all my anger, sadness exictement there. So maybe going out with friends puts you in a happy enviornment(depending on which kind of group you hang with). Getting out of the house and away from your problems helps also. You can temporarily step away for a few hours after going it at, and return and tackle the problem again to solve it.

I hope i helped.. i don't know if i did or not.. maybe i didn't, but at least i took a shot at it... If you need to chat with anything, PM me.. :)

[Art_dude]

I know how you're hurting (((Hugs)))
You are very articulate about what you're feeling and are fortunate enough to see the problems you're facing. To me the only thing stopping you from getting helps is confronting your parents. My parents are exactly the same way - unicorns and rainbows 24/7. Mention the word depression to them and they equate it with failure somehow. But if you really are craving psychological help (which I think would help a great deal) try writing a note to one of your parents: I do it all the time. That way I don't have to deal with confronting them in person. I'll just write something like, "Feeling depressed again, and I want to start going more regularly to therapy. If you could call and make an appointment I'd appreciate it - please don't bring this up with me, I'm not comfortable talking about it, and I appreciate your past and continuing respect for that"

[Blue63]

Thank you both of you so much, instead of posting right away (I read these a couple days ago) I thought I'd do a little work on my own using your advice.

I've been trying to be a little more relaxed, thinking to myself "B's or as Good as A's," and "Colleges look at more then just grades." It's been working a little bit, my life has been so stressful this week I actually got nauseated and lightheaded last night due to my anxiety. I talked to my mom, told her I think it best if I see a psychologist. She responded, "If you want to, but you get anxious like this every year at the beginning of school. I think you'd be better off seeing a college counselor so you can understand how things work better."

I realize I put so much pressure on myself that it somewhat skews my outlook and that me doing bad on one test or project or paper isn't going to keep me from getting in to a good college.

I couldn't stand to tell my mom about the feelings of emptiness and my very low self esteem. I guess I'll leave that to VT and a Psychologist if I ever actually get to go. Clinical Depression does run in my family, my Grandma has it pretty bad, she's on medicine now I think but still.

Thank you both, you did help. It's just nice to know I'm not the only one who's struggling with depression, you both have helped tremendously, just by being here =]

[Bougainvillea]

I understand the pressure.
I'm experiencing it.
It's so hard to keep your chin up.
But I say "Hey, this is a responsibility. MY responsibility. And it's important. To my life."
:)
You should start thinking that.
It helps.

[Jagador]

Thank you both of you so much, instead of posting right away (I read these a couple days ago) I thought I'd do a little work on my own using your advice.

I've been trying to be a little more relaxed, thinking to myself "B's or as Good as A's," and "Colleges look at more then just grades." It's been working a little bit, my life has been so stressful this week I actually got nauseated and lightheaded last night due to my anxiety. I talked to my mom, told her I think it best if I see a psychologist. She responded, "If you want to, but you get anxious like this every year at the beginning of school. I think you'd be better off seeing a college counselor so you can understand how things work better."

I realize I put so much pressure on myself that it somewhat skews my outlook and that me doing bad on one test or project or paper isn't going to keep me from getting in to a good college.

I couldn't stand to tell my mom about the feelings of emptiness and my very low self esteem. I guess I'll leave that to VT and a Psychologist if I ever actually get to go. Clinical Depression does run in my family, my Grandma has it pretty bad, she's on medicine now I think but still.

Thank you both, you did help. It's just nice to know I'm not the only one who's struggling with depression, you both have helped tremendously, just by being here =]

Not a problem at all... :) i'm currently at a new school, and im doing better than ever versus my old school. I literally got 3 F's at my old school. xD Was so bad. but things are looking up for me here now. Glad we helped, and since your mom suggest a college counselor, you can if you want to, but make sure you get a psychiatris(excuse my spelling). The counselor won't always be there when you need him. However, your psychiatrist will. Ask him/her for a number that you can contact him/her and they will try to get back to you asap if they don't answer the phone. It is what mine does.

[Blue63]

Not a problem at all... :) i'm currently at a new school, and im doing better than ever versus my old school. I literally got 3 F's at my old school. xD Was so bad. but things are looking up for me here now. Glad we helped, and since your mom suggest a college counselor, you can if you want to, but make sure you get a psychiatris(excuse my spelling). The counselor won't always be there when you need him. However, your psychiatrist will. Ask him/her for a number that you can contact him/her and they will try to get back to you asap if they don't answer the phone. It is what mine does.

You know, I honestly think that a Psychiatrist is a good idea, especially since I did a little research. I researched the common symptoms of clinical depression...

 Loss of interest in normal daily activities - I Just want to sit at home and watch TV
 Feeling sad or down - Check
 Feeling hopeless - I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel
 Crying spells for no apparent reason
 Problems sleeping
 Trouble focusing or concentrating
 Difficulty making decisions - It seems like everything is a life changing decision I just can’t make
 Unintentional weight gain or loss
 Irritability – Definite check
 Restlessness
 Being easily annoyed - Check
 Feeling fatigued or weak - I just ache sometimes, often tired
 Feeling worthless - I have no talent, what do I have to offer? I’m just mediocre
 Thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior - I think of my funeral, what that’ll be like, how easy things would be if they were just over now. I could never kill myself though.
 Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches - Stomach Pains

I'm not sure if it's enough to diagnose myself with depression, but it's enough to look into it I think.

[Art_dude]

You are most Welcome! It's a treat to get to work through this emotional baggage with someone as willing and articulate as yourself! Oftentimes people will show up depressed but aren't willing to dig themselves out of the hole, or can't translate what they are feeling. It's great that you're also willing to take advice and put it to real use and see whether it is practical for you or not.

Super proud that you talked to your mom! That took a lot of courage and you should commend yourself for such bravery. I know her response isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's the first step to getting down a better road for communication between you and your mom. If you want and are willing try explaining to your mother that you're not interested in seeing a college councillor but someone who is trained to help you with the PSYCHOLOGICAL issues you're having that are attached to the college process. I'm pretty sure you did your best at doing this, but I thought I'd just mention it anyway.

Also give yourself a pat on the back for not being such a perfectionist! It sounds like you took it much easier on yourself these past few days and that means the world to your self esteem. PM if you need to talk! Nice to know that we can help you through the storm.

[Ortizitthisone]

Hi Matt,
I can't say I've been through your situation. 'Doing my best' was always good enough for my parents. As long as I was happy, they were happy and supportive. I got decent grades in high school (FAR from perfect, I even failed a class my senior year). I graduated in the top half of my class, and that was enough for me. I got into the college of my dreams, to study Wildlife Conservation. The only obstacle now is the money, but that's a different story.

Your situation is a bit different. Medical school is a tall order, and if it's what you really want, then you certainly have to be willing to work for it.

I understand the pressure that some parents put on their kids (and, of course, the resultant pressure that many kids put on themselves). So many of my friends have gone through it. One friend in particular had parents that refused to pay for her to go to the college of her dreams because they thought that particular school was 'beneath her.' That's wrong.

It's important to be able to have someone to talk to about this. The best person is, of course, a professional. Someone who is trained in the field of psychiatry and counseling is the best person for you to talk to. You could tell your mom that you want to speak to a mental health professional, and not a college counselor. Or perhaps you could do both! A college counselor knows a lot about how the college selection process works, but not necessarily about how the teenage mind works, and that seems to be the more important issue here.

Even if your mother is not sold on this approach, it may help if you do some of your own research ahead of time as far as who you want to see.

If you are in the United States, calling the Boys Town National Hotline is a great start. They have trained professionals available to talk to you anytime, day or night, about absolutely anything you need. Your depression, your self-esteem, whatever you need to talk about they are there for you. I call all the time, whenever I need someone to talk to. It was a bit of a plunge for me, to talk to a complete stranger about my problems, but I find that it really helps a lot. They can also help you find local professional help in your area, and I think that would really work to your advantage in this case. The best part is that the hotline is set up SPECIFICALLY for teens, and the professionals answering the phone have extensive training in problems that teens face every day. The phone number (toll-free in the United States) is 1-800-448-3000.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember in this case is that you are not alone in this fight against depression. Millions of people (myself included) go through the same struggles you do every single day. The important thing is that there is help out there, you just have to find it. Take the step and call the hotline, I think it could really help you a lot.

Believe it or not, your parents want what is best for you. Talk to them, try to see things from their point of view, and try to get them to listen to yours as well. You have a right to live more confidently and happy in your life.

I hope I helped. If you ever need to talk, you can contact me via PM, AIM or Skype. Good luck to you! Stay strong!

Sincerely,
Jim

[Blue63]

You are most Welcome! It's a treat to get to work through this emotional baggage with someone as willing and articulate as yourself! Oftentimes people will show up depressed but aren't willing to dig themselves out of the hole, or can't translate what they are feeling. It's great that you're also willing to take advice and put it to real use and see whether it is practical for you or not.

Super proud that you talked to your mom! That took a lot of courage and you should commend yourself for such bravery. I know her response isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's the first step to getting down a better road for communication between you and your mom. If you want and are willing try explaining to your mother that you're not interested in seeing a college councillor but someone who is trained to help you with the PSYCHOLOGICAL issues you're having that are attached to the college process. I'm pretty sure you did your best at doing this, but I thought I'd just mention it anyway.

Also give yourself a pat on the back for not being such a perfectionist! It sounds like you took it much easier on yourself these past few days and that means the world to your self esteem. PM if you need to talk! Nice to know that we can help you through the storm.

Well again thank you, I'm glad someone out there can filter through my issues, and it's a relief knowing that I am seeking Psychological help, just one step closer.

Hi Matt,
I can't say I've been through your situation. 'Doing my best' was always good enough for my parents. As long as I was happy, they were happy and supportive. I got decent grades in high school (FAR from perfect, I even failed a class my senior year). I graduated in the top half of my class, and that was enough for me. I got into the college of my dreams, to study Wildlife Conservation. The only obstacle now is the money, but that's a different story.

My parents do want me to do my best, and that is good enough for them. They just think that my best is straight A's and a B or two, which I have to work really hard to get. Not a bad thing, but over the years, that pressure has lead to self pressure which has led to a very high anxiety level.

Your situation is a bit different. Medical school is a tall order, and if it's what you really want, then you certainly have to be willing to work for it.

You know that's another thing, I'm glad you got into your college of your dreams. You must really have a passion for Wildlife Conservation. That's one thing I lack, passion. I just don't really know, the only thing I've come up for that I might like to is Doctor, requires further research, which stresses me out more knowing that I'm a Sophmore in high school and have no idea what I want to do. I know people don't have to know by then, but I think you should know your major before you pick your college, and I have little idea.

I understand the pressure that some parents put on their kids (and, of course, the resultant pressure that many kids put on themselves). So many of my friends have gone through it. One friend in particular had parents that refused to pay for her to go to the college of her dreams because they thought that particular school was 'beneath her.' That's wrong.

I agree, that is wrong, my parents aren't that bad. They wouldn't let me go to some big party school on the coast, but they're not that bad. Your friend really did get a rough deal there.

It's important to be able to have someone to talk to about this. The best person is, of course, a professional. Someone who is trained in the field of psychiatry and counseling is the best person for you to talk to. You could tell your mom that you want to speak to a mental health professional, and not a college counselor. Or perhaps you could do both! A college counselor knows a lot about how the college selection process works, but not necessarily about how the teenage mind works, and that seems to be the more important issue here.

I've been doing some research on a professional I could talk to, "shopping around" if you will. I think I may try my childhood psychiatrist I had to get through my issues with death when I was 6 or 7. He does more than little kids, and as I recall pretty nice. I may want to, just to get somethings straight, but I think one step at a time may be a bit better for me.

Even if your mother is not sold on this approach, it may help if you do some of your own research ahead of time as far as who you want to see.


If you are in the United States, calling the Boys Town National Hotline is a great start. They have trained professionals available to talk to you anytime, day or night, about absolutely anything you need. Your depression, your self-esteem, whatever you need to talk about they are there for you. I call all the time, whenever I need someone to talk to. It was a bit of a plunge for me, to talk to a complete stranger about my problems, but I find that it really helps a lot. They can also help you find local professional help in your area, and I think that would really work to your advantage in this case. The best part is that the hotline is set up SPECIFICALLY for teens, and the professionals answering the phone have extensive training in problems that teens face every day. The phone number (toll-free in the United States) is 1-800-448-3000.

I think I actually will give them a call, see if they have any recommendations for local professionals, just to get another opinion. I'll take the number down to, just in case I really need some help in the future, and things get out of control. Thank you very much for that information!

Perhaps the most important thing to remember in this case is that you are not alone in this fight against depression. Millions of people (myself included) go through the same struggles you do every single day. The important thing is that there is help out there, you just have to find it. Take the step and call the hotline, I think it could really help you a lot.

My mind knows that I'm not alone, yet in my environment it feels like I'm stranded on an island, normal I presume.

Believe it or not, your parents want what is best for you. Talk to them, try to see things from their point of view, and try to get them to listen to yours as well. You have a right to live more confidently and happy in your life.

I know that I could live a better life, I just have to get myself going, one step at a time.

I hope I helped. If you ever need to talk, you can contact me via PM, AIM or Skype. Good luck to you! Stay strong!

You truly did, thank you. Just by recognizing my problem you've helped, and for that and so much more I thank you! Everyone here has been so helpful, which makes this community great, do not know what I would do without it.

Sincerely,
Jim