They Still Burn . . .

[surrealwaking]

I'm at a bit of a loss.

I guess I always thought of myself as a 'good' kid. More accurately, an 'obedient' kid. I was the smart one, the one who always knew the 'right' answer. A quiet submissive kid who never did anything truly deviant. Hell, my parents are as Christian as they come, you can imagine my rule and regulation-riddled upbringing. I could always handle my stress and fears in a healthy fashion. Through all of school and work and life, I had been able to cope in a 'normal' 'healthy' way.

That's why, now, I cannot truly understand what drove me to pick up that knife.

I know the stories. I've been told over and over that cutting yourself can be addicting, that it's not a healthy way to deal with problems. Part of me, I think, picked the knife up as a joke. One of those 'oh, look at me, I'm being a dramatic emo kid' moments whose only purpose was to indulge my inner attention whore. I don't think I ever really meant to hurt myself.

Then I drew blood. Then, I felt the sting. Then, I felt my messed up scattered, floundering emotions suddenly converge to run as straight and true as that red-dotted line running across my shoulder. My frantic panic went away and was replaced by what could only be serenity. There, in three beautiful lines, I found my 'cure'.

It scared me that this actually feels good. It saddened me that, what started out as a joke, now presented much more of a threat than I had anticipated. I never thought I would be able to stand actually cutting myself. I was too much of a wuss to stand deep cuts and rifts in my flesh.

But I wasn't so much of a wuss that I couldn't handle these hair-line slices.

This is the very beginning. I don't want it to go further . . . and yet I do. I know my family and friends would be more saddened than anything to hear that I was doing this. I'm not afraid of the people I love shunning me for what I've begun doing to myself. If I tell them, they will understand and try to help. I am not afraid of their rejection.

No, what I am afraid of is that none of them will care enough to reach out to me. I am deathly afraid that there is no one close enough to me to see my strange behavior and to call me on it. I want to know that there is someone who loves me enough to see that something is wrong and then reach out and say, 'Lyn, everything is not alright. What's going on?'.


I guess I'm not posting this in search of advice. I know the right answers. I know this is neither the right, best, nor healthiest way to take care of my emotional issues. I know that now is the best time to stop, when everything is just beginning and I haven't made a habit of it yet. I know I'm looking down at a dark, maybe bottomless, drop. And yet I still willingly throw myself over the edge.

I think what I need to know is that I'm not alone. I feel weak and pathetic for giving in to this temptation even though I know it will ultimately only lead to worse pain. I want to hear other voices that are in despair and know that I at least can belong with them while I am unable to function among the living. I want to know that I am not the first, only, or last person to feel as if everything means nothing and things are falling apart at the seams.

I just want to know.

Lyn.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Love, you are anything but alone. There is a load of people out there just like you. Me for one. I can truly understand how you feel. Just don't end up like me. I've been trapped in this darkness for over 3 years.

Don't wait for a loved one to reach out to you. Without realising it, you'll cover this up well, so well that they won't know anything is hurting you. It doesn't mean they don't care, it just means that you are good at hiding it.

Trust me on this. I know how it is to put on a show to loved ones. I do it still, even though most of my loved ones know. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

[ocean_blue]

i connect alot with what ur saying.
ur not alone 'cos i feel that way 2.
before i started, i guess i thought only the "bad" and the "lost" and those without good frends and family 2 tell them it was wrong would turn to cutting as a way out.
i was wrong.
the proof of that is typing this :(
but i guess what i found out from looking at everyones story here is, people are driven to this for all sorts of reasons, but that doesnt stop them from helping eachother.
so stay strong, and if u ever need help, or just someone 2 listen, i bet u that u'll find it here.
:)

[dstnyisurs]

You're not alone.
The need to hide things - the need to put on a facade, to be the good girl, I understand that. It's kind of the reason why I have problems initially, though not specifically the same as your struggles.
Love, you are right. It will just get worse and worse and worse until you are wishing yourself dead and until you slip up and injure yourself much more then your intended. Or until all that damage catches up with you, and the romance of the razor becomes a nightmare. Because even if it seems kind when it's ensnaring you in it's trap, it really is a nightmare in disguise.
You can get the help - you're right, you're at the best time to get help. But you need to pick youself up and get the help and don't be afraid of what your parents say, what your friends say, because they do care about you. You just need to get the help so that you don't harm yourself ever again.
Stop while you can.
I'm here if you need me. Anytime.

[Hanabanana]

dw a lot of people here are feeling similar things encluding me, and you're right in saying about stopping now, seriously I think a lot of us would have chosen to stop at the beginning rather than perhaps now years on. Cause It does get harder to stop as it continues and will probably get worse over time as you seek more and more. People care for you, whether you know it or not they do. My mum found out and it hurt her :( hence why I never wanted her or anyone else I hadn't chosen to tell knowing. Tell someone you trust, who you know won't judge you and ask for help, recognising you have a problem is a huge step so well done and any time you wanna talk I know we're always her x