Everyone's hooking up

[RaeNose]

and I might be breaking up.
I love Sam... I think.
I've been with him for a year and nine months. We've had great times. He's the only one who can make me laugh like nothing else matters. His kiss is sweet and make me smile. When I think about a life without him... I don't think I can.

But right now is so stressful. We both have super stressful classes and we won't be able to spend any time with each other. We barely got to see each other as it was.

And, he also has to be the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends known to mankind. He's caused me to cut so many times, and yet he feels bad when I do and tries to keep from not doing it. He has depression and threatens to kill himself, saying it only to me. I know he won't, but it makes me cry every single time he starts talking like that. I really, really don't want to lose him.

And... he molested me. He came to my house when no one was home and took my clothes off and fingered me. It didn't even seem like him. Like someone took over his body and took advantage of me. Later that night, he tried to kill himself. His brother walked in on him reaching for the bleach. Last time I cut was right after that. I carved the word "whore" into my hip. The next day, he was on hands and knees begging for me to forgive him.


I don't know what's effing wrong with me. There are guys who are nice and they're cute and they enjoy spending time with me. But I can't get over Sam. He is my first and only love, first kiss, first a lot of things. I'm so afraid if I do end up ending it with him, he'll kill himself.
I don't want him out of my life.
If only he could stop...

[AutumnDae]

Hun, it might be best for you two to at least spend some time apart, if not break up.

He's obviously got some issues, and you have said you do as well. While sometimes he's there for you, I think the pain that he has caused you outweighs that. I think it might be possible for you to remain friends, but it doesn't seem like you are cut out to be together as partners.

And I know it will be hard, as he was your first lots of things, but almost 2 years is a long time. You guys gave it a go, and now it's not really working anymore. It's okay, now you know for the future.

Maybe talk to him about how you are feeling, maybe taking a break from one another?

[RaeNose]

Breaks are complete bullshit. You're either together or you're not.
I have no idea what I'm going to do.
I just ranted (see blog) to him, and he still fucking tells me that I'm beautiful and that he loves me.

And that I matter. Like I fucking matter.

[AutumnDae]

Guys are.......stupid. I really think that's the only way to describe them.

(For the record I hate breaks as well, but I wasn't sure how you felt) So, I'm thinking that a break up is in order. It will save you a lot of hurt in the future.

[RaeNose]

... I don't know.
Omg, that loser. He just asked me to "go steady".
GODDAMNMYSHITTYLIFE.
What the fuck do I do?
Just thinking about it is making me sick.
Because I know when I have a really crappy day, he won't be there.
When I want to say good night to someone, I won't be able to call.
When I'm super happy and I just want to kiss someone, everyone will avoid me.
When I leave, all of "our" friends stay where I left.

[AutumnDae]

Wait....if you weren't "Going steady" before...what have you been doing for the past year and 9 months?

[RaeNose]

I have no clue.
lol
I think he's just trying to make me feel better; I've had a pretty shitty week.

[Darkness]

I'll just say that autumn has said everything that I could say, and wish you luck.

[RaeNose]

You people don't get it though.
He's my best friend. He's the one who would never judge me. He's the one who DIDN'T judge me when he told last night that no matter what I did to him, he would still care about me. The strongest words that I heard all night were from him saying, "Kylie, you're more than a cutter."
But I'm just so scared of what could happen in the future. I don't want him to take advantage of me like that in the future.

[AutumnDae]

I do understand that.

I was putting my 2 cents in, I don't know what you want, unless you tell me. Do you want to break up with him? Or do you want to be with him?

[RaeNose]

I don't know...
There's times where I feel completely emotionally dead to him and other times where I can't be without him.

I don't know what I want.
I want... a sign.
Like,I don't know, something convincing telling me whether we should be together or not.

[AutumnDae]

Unfortunately, I don't think a sign will come.

It's tough, deciding whether to stay with someone or not, I know, I've been through it.

Don't stay with him because sometimes he makes you happy. Or sometimes he's nice. If the feelings are on and off, the relationship should definitely be off.

[Darkness]

Then I really don't know what to say... sorry :(

[The Batman]

Sam is using you as a crutch Kylie, I remember talking to him that night on aim and seeing how cool he was but really i think you guys should break up. He needs help from more than just you and right now he doesn't see it. It's hard to really describe like what I want to say.

[RaeNose]

The thing is...
even through those times, when he's not nice or he's depressed, I still love him. I still want to hug him and kiss him and make him happy.
None of the options weighs each other out.
Crap, I don't want to go to San Jose.

[overcome.]

I felt quite gutted when I read that you scratched 'whore' into your hip. That's what you definitely are not. You are a good person Kylie, you're lovely, seem to have time for people and don't deserve to be treated like that at all. The thing is, nobody forgets their first love, people still maintain feelings for them for a long amount of time. I'm no different, I'll admit. Love is a funny thing, it can make you have all sorts of feelings, throughout times of hardship you still maintain love for somebody regardless of how they treat you.

Sometimes it can take a stronger person to walk away, that's what I had to do with my first love, I had to walk away. It was a smart decision, a good one, and I learnt a lot from it. Like I said, you don't deserve to be treated like that, nobody does. What he's saying to you about killing himself is emotional blackmail, which is tortureous. I hope you make the right decision for yourself. Like I had to do, you have to think of yourself as the #1 priority, it gets to a time where you stop thinking of the other person as #1, and put yourself in that top position. After all, it's your life. Nobody can tell you what to do, we can all politely say what we think is best for you, but it's your decision obviously. Do what's best for YOU.

[RaeNose]

My decision....



Is to wait.
James 5 states that when you're confused, broken, suffering, lost, etc. you need to have patience.
At least I think it's James 5... somewhere in James...
I'm such a loser. lol.
But yeah, I'm going to have patience right now. He's getting better, and I'm using him more to build myself up lately. Just as he needed me when he was going through all of his crap, I'm going through mine.

But thanks Rik. Everyone tells me that I need to sometimes focus on myself to keep me from having a break down. I still won't listen, but thanks for the encouragement. You're really sweet for caring about me like that.:whoops: That one looks like my smiles currently, so I guess it works.

[RaeNose]

Yeah, I know...
But it's relevant.

I broke up with Sam.
Kylie:I think I might break up with you. You are the one person I could always talk to, but I need to figure out me for a while. I don't know if I want to stay away forever, but for now I think I need to. I need to see who else there is in the world, and you do too. I don't feel much for you right now, other than what I'd feel for a best friend. I still care about you, I care about you so much, but it's time for me to think about what I need.

Sam: I've wanted for you to say that for a long time. I love you. Good luck. :)

Then we talked about how awkward it would be and whether I still get hugs. Which I don't. Which makes me very upset. But I think this will be for the best. I just really hope that I can figure out what I'm doing.

[overcome.]

I'm glad for you that you made the right decision, the right decision for you. No matter how you feel about somebody, sometimes they just don't work. I'm here if you'd lke to talk at any time, and you're very welcome :)