totallyuseless
August 28th, 2009, 02:27 PM
Yesterday, I got my GCSE results. I did badly. 1 A, 5 B's and 3 C's and a D. I was one of the "clever" one's, My potential was great my teachers said. My Peers and Friends said the same. Yet I did terribly. My old deep-set demons are rearing up, but all are attacking at once. I'm fighting a war every day as I have been since I was bullied at primary school, for 6 years in a row, every day. But I don't know the Army/Armies I知 against...
My life has got worse and worse every second since I致e read it. All my past afflictions are rearing up again, and I Don't know what they are. I've beaten myself with all matter of things. hard things. Just smashing against my body. The pain makes them go, but for a split second. I don't know what else to do. Because these Emotions and problems are crippling me. I urge myself on, My conscience screams at me in my head to batter myself incessantly. I can't eat much, I can't sleep properly. I'm a wreck. It's Raining. It's my fault I believe. My misery controls the weather. I can't escape my house now.
My main problem is my mind has created a world where I am both God and the worst thing in the world. I punish myself regularly with either Beatings or verbal abuse and gratuitous helpings of Torture, which after years of practise, I知 very good at :( . I starve myself, telling myself I知 Fat and Ugly. and not worthy of food and water. I eat only when I知 starving and I feel pains in my stomach. My friends are going away thick and fast. They don't understand, won't understand me. I fly from emotion to emotion at the drop of a hat. I'm Obsessed with Intelligence and Grades. I see them who do well as Superior or Philosophic persons and those who don't Inferior or Thrallish. But, I won't tell them that. I compare myself to the clever people who I used to rub shoulders with in terms of grades and intelligence, but as they flourish and I fail. I treat them as gods and beat and batter myself till I feel bruises,cuts,scratches. all over my body. I am denying myself any form of human right or luxury as, unworthy for it. I dream at night about me dieing in a variety of different, macabre ways because of my stunted intelligence. Crucifixion, mutilation... everything. I see my death in plain life. A Car comes, and I see myself being run over. A person using a Hedge trimmer, I see myself getting my face ripped off. A stranger on a Motorbike? I see them killing me. I'm paranoid about everyone coming to kill me, things going faulty and killing me.. Everything killing me.
This is making my relationship with my girlfriend a nightmare as you can perceive. She is the reason I知 alive. Simple as that. but, I fear she can't take my rants much longer and she is feeling upset and miserable because of my world I have locked myself into. I can't stand to make her upset and I would do anything for her. But she is becoming increasingly fraught at my state of mind. Which is realisable. She is the only person in the world I can trust with anything. She did very well in her GCSE's, getting 3 A*'s and 7 A's. This is not good, as now I知 not doing anything. I am now going on and on about how I am a thrall and an Idiot and deserves torture, and how she is perfection personified. She has always known how clever I am. And now I am basing everything in life around results. Even one comment about the wind in the day and I say, "I'm too stupid to realise the wind, I only got a C in physics." "What am I being... oh, said it wrong. My English Grade was only a B, I知 surprised you can listen to me" etc etc. She is very patient and I love her dearly, but this world I have created in the last 2 days is testing her resolve. I can't stop it. It won稚 stop and I知 slowly losing everything good in my life. I had to stop typing mid-way through this letter to slam my arm in a door. It's just. Overwhelming. I don't know what I知 fighting and how long my girlfriend can last. I want to die. But I don't want to hurt her. But I am, and it makes me hurt myself, and this makes her sad. She sees me break down and punch myself until I bled in front of her. I'm so unhappy about what I do, but the voices are always there, willing me to hurt myself. I want help, but I can't....
Can anyone help my dire set of circumstance, or try and diagnose any of my problems, so I can get professional help? Before my mind takes me too far and something bad happening to me? :'(
My life has got worse and worse every second since I致e read it. All my past afflictions are rearing up again, and I Don't know what they are. I've beaten myself with all matter of things. hard things. Just smashing against my body. The pain makes them go, but for a split second. I don't know what else to do. Because these Emotions and problems are crippling me. I urge myself on, My conscience screams at me in my head to batter myself incessantly. I can't eat much, I can't sleep properly. I'm a wreck. It's Raining. It's my fault I believe. My misery controls the weather. I can't escape my house now.
My main problem is my mind has created a world where I am both God and the worst thing in the world. I punish myself regularly with either Beatings or verbal abuse and gratuitous helpings of Torture, which after years of practise, I知 very good at :( . I starve myself, telling myself I知 Fat and Ugly. and not worthy of food and water. I eat only when I知 starving and I feel pains in my stomach. My friends are going away thick and fast. They don't understand, won't understand me. I fly from emotion to emotion at the drop of a hat. I'm Obsessed with Intelligence and Grades. I see them who do well as Superior or Philosophic persons and those who don't Inferior or Thrallish. But, I won't tell them that. I compare myself to the clever people who I used to rub shoulders with in terms of grades and intelligence, but as they flourish and I fail. I treat them as gods and beat and batter myself till I feel bruises,cuts,scratches. all over my body. I am denying myself any form of human right or luxury as, unworthy for it. I dream at night about me dieing in a variety of different, macabre ways because of my stunted intelligence. Crucifixion, mutilation... everything. I see my death in plain life. A Car comes, and I see myself being run over. A person using a Hedge trimmer, I see myself getting my face ripped off. A stranger on a Motorbike? I see them killing me. I'm paranoid about everyone coming to kill me, things going faulty and killing me.. Everything killing me.
This is making my relationship with my girlfriend a nightmare as you can perceive. She is the reason I知 alive. Simple as that. but, I fear she can't take my rants much longer and she is feeling upset and miserable because of my world I have locked myself into. I can't stand to make her upset and I would do anything for her. But she is becoming increasingly fraught at my state of mind. Which is realisable. She is the only person in the world I can trust with anything. She did very well in her GCSE's, getting 3 A*'s and 7 A's. This is not good, as now I知 not doing anything. I am now going on and on about how I am a thrall and an Idiot and deserves torture, and how she is perfection personified. She has always known how clever I am. And now I am basing everything in life around results. Even one comment about the wind in the day and I say, "I'm too stupid to realise the wind, I only got a C in physics." "What am I being... oh, said it wrong. My English Grade was only a B, I知 surprised you can listen to me" etc etc. She is very patient and I love her dearly, but this world I have created in the last 2 days is testing her resolve. I can't stop it. It won稚 stop and I知 slowly losing everything good in my life. I had to stop typing mid-way through this letter to slam my arm in a door. It's just. Overwhelming. I don't know what I知 fighting and how long my girlfriend can last. I want to die. But I don't want to hurt her. But I am, and it makes me hurt myself, and this makes her sad. She sees me break down and punch myself until I bled in front of her. I'm so unhappy about what I do, but the voices are always there, willing me to hurt myself. I want help, but I can't....
Can anyone help my dire set of circumstance, or try and diagnose any of my problems, so I can get professional help? Before my mind takes me too far and something bad happening to me? :'(