Do you actually want to quit?

[DinoRAWR]

I cut for a while before.. Then I stopped for about eight weeks because I was going somewhere hot during the summer.
I fought the urges for all that time and then tonight, I had a stupid fight with my mum and brother and I cut, alot.
The thing is, while and after I was doing it, I was just thinking how much I had missed it. I just felt...better afterwards.
I think I shoulda been relieved when I stopped but instead just wished I was still doing it. Is that 'normal' at all?
I have absolutely no one to talk to about this stuff so...yeah.
Anyone else the same?

[Discomposure]

I know what you mean. I sit and think (when I'm not doing it) how could I want to do it, hurt myself? But then when I am doing it it's sort of like, what was i thinking course i want to do it... so yeah, sometimes I don't want to stop, I know it's a wrong way to deal with things but my way of thinking at the moment is it helps, so i do it. Sorry that you cut before. Hope your okay.

[Harley Quinn]

I never realise what ive done till after im finshed and when im not hurting myself its in the back of my mind all the time, i wish i didnt act on impulse but the urges get so strong i give in, so im ways yes i want to stop because i finally have a reason too

[ShatteredWings]

Is it normal as in "should i be thinking this" no
Is it normal as in "do other people feel like this too" then yes.

Personally i want to stop, for good. but si is a hard thing to pul out of and you cna't expect to just 'get over it' quickly. have you talked to anyone about the fight?

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I'm sorry hear that you've done it again.

As for wanting to stop. I'm not sure myself. I want to stop for those that care about me. But they seem to be dropping like flies. I think that's the only reason I want to stop though.

[1_21Guns]

All I know is that part of me dosent want to quit - a large part of me, but at the end of the day a small part of me does, and i'm better off for my own sake and everyone around me's sake that I hold onto that part and stop, yeah I slip up, quite often tbh, because most of me doesnt want to stop, I want that relief, I want that free feeling you get, but in the end, im doing myself more harm than good. I dont actually want to stop, I never have done. But I know I need to stop, because im damaging myself over things that will never be worth that much pain. And like HeardButNotSeen said, you shouldnt be thinking that, but your not alone in thinking it.

[RaeNose]

No.
I didn't want to stop. At all.
I knew I had to, or else everyone who cared about me would worry. I'd be stuck, alone, for the rest of my life.
I never wanted to stop.
But it's not about what you want.
It's about what you need and what's good for you. You mind will keep telling you that because you want it so desperately, you must need it. But when you finally stop, and live your life, you find that you don't need to cut. You just wanted to so badly that it stuck to your heart, like a black tar that suffocated you from the inside out. A tar that, when hardened, needs so much force to remove that you think you don't have to motivation to stop. Because you don't want to fight it.
Keep fighting.
You may not want to, but you need to.

[DinoRAWR]

Is it normal as in "should i be thinking this" no
Is it normal as in "do other people feel like this too" then yes.

Personally i want to stop, for good. but si is a hard thing to pul out of and you cna't expect to just 'get over it' quickly. have you talked to anyone about the fight?

There's no one I can talk to, at all.
I cant talk to my mum cause she's just be pissed and say I was attention seeking and friends are a no-go.

Thanks for replying everyone, I'm glad its not just me. Im ashamed though, my mum knew I stopped, if she knew it was happening again, she'd kill me.
Just feels like instead of getting angry, she could maybe try to understand. That's not happening though, she always just shouts and I'm not really sure how to even try at quitting for good if there's no one I can talk to.

[dstnyisurs]

I'm not sure if I actually want to stop. Personally I'm content right now because the cutting is working to help me cope. I know I'm not supposed to, and I know it's doing a lot of damage on the inside when I harm myself that I won't see until later. But I just don't want to stop.

[chelsay13]

I felt the same way. Its not normal to think it, but its normal to people who have/do cut. I feel the same way, and I'm still fighting it. I too don't know if i want to stop. I hate hurting everyone, but at the same time, I feel as if its the only thing i can control in my life. But, then I think about having children and they see scars on my arms, what would i say to them? "Honey, i cut myself", no... i couldn't.
So i think it's normal to not want to quit, but its not normal to use it for coping and such. I saw, let time work on your heart, quit when you feel your reading.

[DinoRAWR]

I know exactly what you mean about the kids thing. But the way I've been thinking lately is like 'they're not gonna get better so it wont hurt to make them worse'. Which I know is wrong.
My friend's mum used to cut, her scars aren't so bad but still visible. It's weird seeing someone who's happy and with a family and thinking 'she used to be like me'.
I just dont really know what to do right now.