benjabubble
August 23rd, 2009, 12:01 AM
First let me start off by saying that this is incredibly hard for me to say, I HATE talking about my weight with anyone, I'm ashamed of myself, in fact I despise and hate myself for what I've become.
I have never been the thinnest guy around, but until last year it was never a real problem. Until last year I was able to convince myself that I just had residual baby fat (how I did that considering I was 13-14 I do not know), but now I know that I was just hoping the problem was not a problem after all and that everything would sort itself out in the long run.
I've been going through a whole lot of changes in my life over the last two years. I have flown half way around the world to live in America (essentially a foreign country to me, though I'm American by birth), I've left behind every friend I've ever had, on the other side of the world, I've been in three different schooling systems in two years, and a lot more that I'd rather not speak about. All of that has drastically changed my eating habits.
Anyways, suffice it to say that recently I have put on a significant amount of weight and I'm so embarrassed about it that I can't even talk to my family about it.
I don't have a healthy lifestyle, mainly because I can't figure out how to create one, I'm out of my element here, the States are so different from what I'm used to that I don't even know where to start. As such I sit around all day in my room doing practically nothing, I over eat, sleep, and browse the internet, that is generally all I do in a 24 hour period (talk about a pathetic excuse for a human being).
I know that I need to change, but I don't know how. I've told myself several times that "This is the day I'm going to change my life." I've made up exercising and eating schedules and have followed them rigidly for an average of two days before forgetting all about them and retreating back into my room to sit around all day and gain weight. I've tried to cut back on calorie intake by not eating...yeah that hasn't gone so well, I get so hungry that when I start eating again it just feels like I can't stop.
I'm so frustrated with myself that I have even entertained thoughts of taking my own life. I would NEVER act on those thoughts, but even the fact that I'm having them is freaking me out.
Anyways, sorry for writing so much...but it feels good to let it out after bottling it up for so long. If anyone has anything that might help I'd be really grateful.
I have never been the thinnest guy around, but until last year it was never a real problem. Until last year I was able to convince myself that I just had residual baby fat (how I did that considering I was 13-14 I do not know), but now I know that I was just hoping the problem was not a problem after all and that everything would sort itself out in the long run.
I've been going through a whole lot of changes in my life over the last two years. I have flown half way around the world to live in America (essentially a foreign country to me, though I'm American by birth), I've left behind every friend I've ever had, on the other side of the world, I've been in three different schooling systems in two years, and a lot more that I'd rather not speak about. All of that has drastically changed my eating habits.
Anyways, suffice it to say that recently I have put on a significant amount of weight and I'm so embarrassed about it that I can't even talk to my family about it.
I don't have a healthy lifestyle, mainly because I can't figure out how to create one, I'm out of my element here, the States are so different from what I'm used to that I don't even know where to start. As such I sit around all day in my room doing practically nothing, I over eat, sleep, and browse the internet, that is generally all I do in a 24 hour period (talk about a pathetic excuse for a human being).
I know that I need to change, but I don't know how. I've told myself several times that "This is the day I'm going to change my life." I've made up exercising and eating schedules and have followed them rigidly for an average of two days before forgetting all about them and retreating back into my room to sit around all day and gain weight. I've tried to cut back on calorie intake by not eating...yeah that hasn't gone so well, I get so hungry that when I start eating again it just feels like I can't stop.
I'm so frustrated with myself that I have even entertained thoughts of taking my own life. I would NEVER act on those thoughts, but even the fact that I'm having them is freaking me out.
Anyways, sorry for writing so much...but it feels good to let it out after bottling it up for so long. If anyone has anything that might help I'd be really grateful.