Pointless Rant I guess, feel free to ignore.

[TigerLily]

I have no idea where this came from, I'm hoping its just 3am + feeling crappy.. but idk.. maybe I'm just finally seeing sense..

So, for as long as I remember, I had this really strong belief that my mother would be out of my life permanently at some point, and that I would have nothing to do with her abuse any longer. I pretty much lived on this sole belief, and I'd never let myself doubt it for a second, but now I'm not so sure...

I thought when I had to essentially make her leave our home, age 12, I would be free from her. I was wrong then.

I thought when my parents will be divorced, I will be free from her, and I'm wondering whether I will be proved wrong again.

I always, always thought that once I had grown up and left home, I'd never have to see her face again. Now I'm seriously beginning to doubt this too.

I mean, I live right in the middle of a pretty small country, wherever I go in the future she could almost certainly find my address and follow me there. I couldn't really stop her, could I?

And wherever I go, wherever I run to, there will always be her blood running through my veins, her genetics controlling my body, I will always be half her...

And what if this means I'm going to someday turn into her?
I'd never thought of that before, and for my own good I'm dismissing that thought... because, to be honest, it scares the hell out of me...

What if, whatever I do, I can't get away from her? What if I'm trapped?

I know she wouldn't give up; not now, not ever.

She knows how much I hate her, and she thrives on my pain, she's addicted to that control I try my hardest to make sure she doesn't have over me... I just found 4 missed calls from her this evening alone on my mobile. She knows I try to avoid talking to her at all costs. I wonder if she knows how fast my heart races during the calls I'm forced to take...

I tell myself that there will come a day when she will no longer have any power over me. To an extent I believe it, idk. But whether she will ever truly be out of my life? Maybe I'm just delluding myself, tricking myself into the belief that allowed me to fight through a lifetime of her doing her best to destroy me, to break me, to make those tears fall down my cheek..

I just want to believe that I can grow up and leave her behind in the past. That's all I want, I want to know that someday she'll never be able to touch me again, and that the face that brought such fear to me I won't ever have to see again. Only right now I'm thinking all that is only blind hope.

[AutumnDae]

Now...when your parents got divorced, did you have to go to court to say who you wanted to live with? (I think that's how it works in the US....my parents are still together, so I'm not positive)

[scuba steve]

even though you say you hate her and she's horrible to you and she knows it. She still most deffinatly loves you which could be the constant phoning and i'm sure there is still part of you that wants to love her back. but things like this can gennerally happen during childhood and those relationships can change for the better as time passes

[TigerLily]

Now...when your parents got divorced, did you have to go to court to say who you wanted to live with? (I think that's how it works in the US....my parents are still together, so I'm not positive)

My parents are currently getting divorced, I know for a fact I won't have to live with her.
Sorry, the rant was probably confusing, I was mainly talking about way in the future :/

even though you say you hate her and she's horrible to you and she knows it. She still most deffinatly loves you which could be the constant phoning and i'm sure there is still part of you that wants to love her back. but things like this can gennerally happen during childhood and those relationships can change for the better as time passes

Nope, she most definitely does not love me, she's said as much. She would be most delighted to see me under a bus.

I used to love her and it took a lot for me to remove that attachment, to see that I needed to look after myself and my sister and it took a lot to realise she didnt love me and subsequently 'teaching' myself not to love her either in order to try and prevent myself from further harm at her hands.

The constant phoning is mainly intimidation and calling me a bitch, and other remarks along those lines.

[AutumnDae]

My parents are currently getting divorced, I know for a fact I won't have to live with her.
Sorry, the rant was probably confusing, I was mainly talking about way in the future :/

Nope, it made sense. You can tell the judge (Or whoever is in charge of talking to you about your parents....I'm assuming that you will have to talk to someone at some point) that you do not want any contact with her, and you don't want to see her. I'm pretty sure they have to follow your choice...

[TigerLily]

I don't know, I'm pretty sure my sister wants some contact with her (she treats my sister significantly better), and if that's the case then I'm not taking the risk of leaving my sister alone with her, I'm rather paranoid and overprotective of my mother hurting her like she did to me, and even though its pretty/very unlikely, I still can't take that risk.
Sorry, I don't know why I'm posting this, it just all seemed to come flooding out :/

[peaceloverugby]

It's good to get it all out Rachel.

I think you're an awesome girl, and I hate it when I see you down like this. You're so much better than her, I can't even think of a proper metaphor; rest assured, you'll never be like her.

PS- If I lived in the UK or had a plane ticket, I'd come over and give the bitch a few phone calls of my own...and she wouldn't miss them.

[BuryYourFlame]

we are talking when you wake up......

[SoFlaDude]

Its always good to rant sometimes, IMO, it gets your thought process going, and it helps you organize in your mind what you want to do.

I can imagine the kind of stress you are going through. But is there any reason why your mother would "hate" you so much, and not your sister?

I can also understand that you used to love her, not because she was an amazing person, but because of the fact that she was your mom. You felt a sort of dependance on her.

[TigerLily]

It's good to get it all out Rachel.

I think you're an awesome girl, and I hate it when I see you down like this. You're so much better than her, I can't even think of a proper metaphor; rest assured, you'll never be like her.

PS- If I lived in the UK or had a plane ticket, I'd come over and give the bitch a few phone calls of my own...and she wouldn't miss them.

Aww, thanks Connor, it means a lot :)

we are talking when you wake up......

I bloody love you.. <333

Its always good to rant sometimes, IMO, it gets your thought process going, and it helps you organize in your mind what you want to do.

I can imagine the kind of stress you are going through. But is there any reason why your mother would "hate" you so much, and not your sister?

I can also understand that you used to love her, not because she was an amazing person, but because of the fact that she was your mom. You felt a sort of dependance on her.

Because it was me who told my father about her abuse rather than my sister, and as a result she lost her home and marriage, and she never forgave me for it. Plus, Sarah was always the better sister anyway, I took a lot of my mother's crap so she wouldn't have to, and so my sister doesn't feel the same level of anger etc towards her as I do.

Anyways, I'm feeling a fair bit better now, thankyou everyone :) :hug:

[Darkness]

It's a bit late but, I would say you should get a restaining order if she doesn't stop.

[TigerLily]

It's a bit late but, I would say you should get a restaining order if she doesn't stop.

Thanks for your concern, but I think it would just cause more trouble than its worth. Maybe when I'm older... idk.

[Shoedue]

Dear Rachel,

You must not stand for this assult any longer. This is a very serious, and might I add, criminal issue. I strongly reccoment talking to the Justice during your parents custody hearing. No child should be subject to abuse, in any way, shape or form, by their primary caregivers. Request that your father be given full custody of you.

As for the future, this may be difficult, but I believe severing all contact with your mother would be the most effective in this situation. Once again, the Justice system can assist you with this as well

Kind Regards,

Braedon

[SoFlaDude]

Perhaps getting something like a Restraining order would work. I agree with Shoedue, you must sever all ties with someone who might pose so much risk and harm to your well-being. You don't need someone to make your life impossible and un comfortable for you.

[TigerLily]

Dear Rachel,

You must not stand for this assult any longer. This is a very serious, and might I add, criminal issue. I strongly reccoment talking to the Justice during your parents custody hearing. No child should be subject to abuse, in any way, shape or form, by their primary caregivers. Request that your father be given full custody of you.

As for the future, this may be difficult, but I believe severing all contact with your mother would be the most effective in this situation. Once again, the Justice system can assist you with this as well

Kind Regards,

Braedon

Thanks Braedon, my father will be most definitely receiving full custody, and my family and I will do all that I can to ensure that happens :)

Perhaps getting something like a Restraining order would work. I agree with Shoedue, you must sever all ties with someone who might pose so much risk and harm to your well-being. You don't need someone to make your life impossible and un comfortable for you.

Yes, that is exactly what I want to do in the future, my only concern is that my mother would make this very difficult for me, but I entirely plan to sever all ties with her and leave her and all the troubles she has caused in the past :)

[zdallasz]

ok i probably wont be any help since everyone already said all that stuff but i do agree with the person who said ur awsome.You seem very very nice and shouldnt deserve this.I didnt like my dad for certain things and i just never talked to him and it fixed itself.That might be hard with her calling u but just dont talk to her.tell your dad u dont want to see her.nobody is forcing you to talk to her or be involved(unless the law is forcing you) and tell people in your family.they care about you like we do here at vt.oh and you can disown (i think i spelled it wrong)