I don't know anymore.

[BlackenedSilver]

I wasn't 100% sure where to put this so if it's not right please move, I just thought this forum as the reason I went was self harm.

Well I've been going counselling for a while now since June I think.. or was it may, Sometime around there. Anyway, I'm not sure whether it's doing any good, or maybe he is not right for me. I don't know but it just doesn't seem to be helping at all I've told him everything about me well almost. (What I havn't told him: I've attempted suicide and think about it daily. My hatred towards myself. )
We've spoken about everything and I still feel exactly the same. I have always hated myself and most of the time I have no reason for feeling depressed I just feel it. Everytime I go I feel so anxious and stressed, I never actually want to be there. I've managed to stop cutting for 30 days now but that was really because of VT and the people I've met from here.
I just think I'm wasting his time when he could be with someone who could actually benefit from it, also I could really use the time with him to go towards my studies next year as I sometimes had to miss lessons to go see him towards the end of last year. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry if this hasn't come out right, it's quite late and I'm typing it quickly. =/ I'll try to make sense tomorrow but any help is appreciated.. do you think I'm wasting his time or should I just give it more time? :confused:

[Rutherford The Brave]

Aw, sweetling. You can stay strong, Im always here for you and I love you. Please send me a pm when things get harder. I know its rough but try not to hate yourself so much. You have alot going for you.

[BlackenedSilver]

Thanks alot Greg, Love you too. :hug:

Also forgot to mention, I'm seeing him on tuesday, Then I'm away for a week so wont see him for 2 weeks. I've already not seen him for 3 because he had "Annual leave"
My friend mentioned writing him a letter to explain how I feel because knowing me I wont be able to tell him without crying. (I hate letting people down) So My plan was to write him a letter explaining how I feel and leave it at the front desk or ask him not to open it until 10 mintues after I leave (So he can read it without me watching I wouldnt be able to take the anticipation and so I can get far away from that place and he can't call me back.) Good or bad idea?

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I think its a good idea because you can let him know how you're feeling and still feel comfortable

[Underground_Network]

If you don't feel your counselor is right for you, then I would leave him.

You seem to be getting better on your own Leigh, and you know that people like Greg and me (and various others) are here for you at all times. ^_^

If you ever get upset Leigh, or if you ever start to think you're worthless, remember that in the eyes of others (Greg, me, etc.) you're a truly wonderful person. You're gorgeous Leigh, there's no denying that. You're kind. You're silly. You're nearly the definition of perfection (hey, we all have our flaws, we can't deny that!).

You're honestly as close as a person can get to perfection. And once you overcome your depression and your thoughts of suicide, you'll be even closer to perfection. You'll be so amazing you'll be off the charts... Every man in the world will want to marry you. Every business across the globe will want to hire you, etc. Maybe not quite, but seriously, you're charming, you're fun to talk to, and you're seriously beautiful. You have a lot going for you Leigh. Don't give up, I know you can get far in life if you try. 100% of the people on here who are depressed can overcome if they really try... And you're lucky that you have people on here who truly care for you. Some people don't have anyone at all.

[Amyxoxo]

I went to a councler for one time, i just couldnt do it. I dont want to stop it that is my problem. If you dont want to go then dont, i just told them that i wasnt ready for that yet. Stay strong
Amyxoxo

[BlackenedSilver]

Thank you so much Adam, that made me giggle. :hug: I really don't know what I would do without you. You're so amazingly amazing and kind <3
Thanks Amy and Morgan, I think I'll do the letter thing. I'll just fake my way through the session tomorrow and leave him to read the letter I'll type up later.
Thanks again everyone :hug:

[Discomposure]

Everyone's pretty much said what they thinks best and i do agree, not everyone is comfortable with a certian councelor which is fine you can't help that and it's good that you've kept going with him to maybe see if you start to feel more comfortable with him but what i would advise you to do is find another one, don't just leave things because gettin help eans things are moving forward but what i think you should do is tell the next one, (if you do go see another, it's all your choice) about your attempted suicide and your thoughts and the fact you don't like yourself, they need to know everything thats going on otherwise they could do what they think is best for you when really it isn't ...
Good Luck :) pm me anytime

x

[BlackenedSilver]

I probably won't go see another, When I even think about going I have a panic attack. I hate it and I don't think going to see someone else will change that.
I have written my letter but I'm sure about it, Opinions?

"I'm writing you this letter because I don't think I could say this to your face and make sense, I'll probably start babbling like I normally do.
Anyway I don't think seeing you is actually benefiting me. I think I can do this alone, I'm not a very verbal person, I hate talking about things, just thinking about having to talk things through makes me so nervous.
I'm sorry for letting you down like this, I feel like I've just wasted your time these past weeks, as you could have been with someone who can benefit from it.
I didn't want to use this line as it seems like I'm breaking up with you but it's fits how I feel so well. It's not you it's me, Your an amazing counsellor and have helped me in some ways, I'll defiantly use that stress busting sheet for the rest of my life, it's so helpful. I just think that if I keep seeing you I'll just be wasting your time further. Your time is better spent with someone else.

Again I'm sorry and Thank you,

Leigh "

I have another bit that I'm not sure whether to add in or not about what I haven't told him. Hmm.. =/

[Discomposure]

thats actually a really good way of putting things! im sure he will understand, btw its fine you don't want to see another one but you never know you could feel different with another :)
good luck with things :)

[Darkness]

I think that should clear things up.

[BlackenedSilver]

Haha, thanks I hope he does. Hmm, I'd rather not take the risk of going to see someone else, because knowing me in a few more months I'll probably make a thread saying exactly the same thing xD about my new counsellor.
Thanks :)

[Discomposure]

okay, :) let us know how it all goes XD x

[BlackenedSilver]

Well instead of wasting his time further I went down and told him I couldn't go that day and gave him my letter. He was so nice about it.. he tired to start a conversation and I'm just hyperventilating from nerves.. I rode down on my bike so I just made it look like I was out of breath from that.
But yea.. I don't know how he feels about it yet because I got out of there as soon as I could. Oh well.. at least it's done now.

[Amyxoxo]

Well, well done :)
*huggs*