Giving up

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I can feel myself giving up. In the past week I've found out about two of my good friends have tried to kill themselves recently, one of them tried last night. From the way she was talking it seemed like it was my fault, or that she was blaming me. She said I couldn't help her because it was beyond me, but then when she had calmed down she tried to help me saying she could understand and relate to how I was feeling.

I've been feeling worthless lately, the only thing saying otherwise is by me helping others, athough now I feel like I can't even do that. I just keep failing everyone, I can't do anything right. I keep cutting and I can't help it. I love the feeling. But because of me doing that I'm hurting my friends and I hate that, but I don't want to stop cutting now. I used to but I don't now. I'm going to a counsellor on Wednesday and I'll tell her how I feel but I doubt that I'll stop.

I'm annoyed. All of my friends SI and the only one that I could think of that didn't was the one that tried to kill herself last night. I feel like everyone is living a lie. A different friend was staying with me last night (if she wasn't I woulda probably tried to kill myself) and she changed her msn personal message to something that was slightly upset sounding and a few people asked her what was wrong, one being a friend of mine. But he didn't bother with me. I just feel like I'd be better off dead, but I'm too weak to even take my own life. There really is no point in this post, cause I probably won't take any of the advice in, but I just had to say. I feel like I'm breaking down and I just want someone to hold me, but I won't go out to let them near me. This is not a well organised post but its just my thoughts as they come to me and I guess my head isn't very organised...

[Darkness]

I can't help you, none of us can unless you're perpared to try to help yourself. :(

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I just don't feel like I can be helped. I'm scared to stop cutting.

[Darkness]

You can, stop cutting, just for as long as you can, then try again later to do it for longer. That would be something to build on. Are you on anti-depressents?

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

No. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not though. Hopefully I'll find out on Wednesday

[Darkness]

Well, good luck.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I'll need it....

[Frankenstein's Bride]

I've been feeling worthless lately, the only thing saying otherwise is by me helping others, athough now I feel like I can't even do that.

You say that you feel worthless because you cannot help your friends, but maybe the best way to help is to know why they SI or why they tried to kill themselves? you seemed pretty vague about why your friend tried to kill herself. Once you know, then you can help them better and in turn feel better about yourself.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

It isn't the only reason I feel worthless but it is a main one. And she won't tell me why she did it.

[Darkness]

Then tell her why you SI if you haven't then she might tell you. You are in a dark place, you might find light easier together.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

She knows why I do it. And I trusted her to be like insperation or something cause she was the only one that didn't so it, so I guess I feel a little betryed. Also she says she can't talk about it cause its all still too raw.

[Frankenstein's Bride]

She knows why I do it. And I trusted her to be like insperation or something cause she was the only one that didn't so it, so I guess I feel a little betryed. Also she says she can't talk about it cause its all still too raw.

Tell her how you feel about her doing it and that you looked up to her, it might help her open up to you more

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Shouldn't a wait a little while? To let her fix it out in her head or whatever?

[Frankenstein's Bride]

You know your friend better than i do. Wait until you think she's ready then speak to her about it. I'm sure it will go well.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Okay. I will.

[Frankenstein's Bride]

It isn't the only reason I feel worthless but it is a main one.

what else is the probelm?

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I'm not sure. I know that sounds stupid. But I've worthless for so long that I don't even know why I feel it now.

[muppletart]

What do you gain from cutting yourself, in all seriousness??

Does it make your life feel like it's worth something?? If not, and your true cause for doing this shameful act is really that you're worthless, it's not logical to continue doing this. Learn to be selfish, don't give a damn what others say about you, and live for yourself, just for once.

Have you considered getting a job?? Taking up a course, maybe in art, whatever?? If you start producing / doing things you can be proud of, you won't feel worthless.

If, however, you continue aimlessly cutting yourself.. Then there's really no hope. Don't even try to tell me that it's hard to stop - You started it and you can stop it just as easily as the first time you committed a brutal act on yourself.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I gain relief from all the shit in life. Getting a job would add too much stress into my life as I'm still in school. And it is hard to stop. I've been doing it for about 3 years and since I'm addicted to the endorphin rush I get it is hard to stop.

[muppletart]

You get relief from it??

We both know that's not true. Have you considered spending time with friends, maybe going out once in a while?? From your first post, if your friends are trying to kill themselves then you certainly don't need them as friends.. Especially if you're feeling the same way.

Work your way into a new friend group, build your self confidence and stop cutting yourself, there's no need and you're not addicted to anything - lol.

You're 16 now, which means you're going into year 11, less than a year and you're out of school. Start off with a temporary job now.. Stress? No, of course not. You'll get a sense of self-acheivement if you can excel in your place of work.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I do get relief from it, and I would go and hang out with friends but I rarely have fun with them, most of them just want to get drunk and/or high all the time. And I don't have enough self confidence to talk to new people to get into a different friend group.

[Grey fox]

Hmm.... Tricky. 1st thing, (I'm sure i've said this before) you are NOT worthless, nobody is. The trick is just finding something to prove your worth.

I like the IDEA of getting a job, but a job is so stressful! And going into year 11, you certainly don't need any extra stress! What I recommend is some sort of part time voluntary work. Seriously!

I love horses, and I managed to find a riding stables for the disabled which needed Saturday volunteers. I am there every Saturday from 10 'till 5, I work hard, but because I know they need me, really need me there for the help, I get a huge feeling of self worth.

Is there anything that you are interested in that you could do something similar about?

If cutting truly is an addiction, then you need to be strong enough to help overcome it.

As for your friends, I have several little quotes from a cute ittle book which should be thought provoking at least...

"I have no trouble with my enemies - but my goddam friends, they are the ones that keep me walking the floor at night." - Warren Harding

"I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best; they are merely the people who got there first." - Peter Ustinov

"My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake." - Aristotle

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends whom we choose." - Tehyi Hsieh

"God save me from my friends, I can protect myself from my enemies." - Common proverb

I lost track of my point halfway through. Sorry, hope the first bit helps though!

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I do voluntary work for the cat protection. Currently looking after a cat and her 5 babies. xD
I believe it to be an addiction but I'm seeking help for it. I really will start trying harder. I realised today, after speaking to muppletart and a friend of mine (who is in a bad place emotionally atm) that I want to try harder. I don't want to be like this and will do everything I can to stop. Although I fear that I'll slip up. And thanks

[Grey fox]

Aweee! Kittens XD

In that case, I offer you my full support, and try to to fret about slipping up, everybody does, it's all those damn banana skins lying about the place ;) But seriously, If you feel you ever slip up or are in need of help, we are here2help (as it used to say on my t-shirt!)

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

The kittens are lovely, 8 days old xD

And thanks, I guess I shouldn't worry about it too much. And that about banana skins made me giggle

[BuryYourFlame]

You get relief from it??

We both know that's not true

Cutting does, in fact, release endorphins that are addicting which is why so many people still self-harm. Please try to be less ignorant.

[muppletart]

Next time I feel down, I'll cut myself.

Or even better, do some Class A narcotics.. Now that's hardcore. Wouldn't get me as much attention though, oshi.

Regardless, I committed myself to helping this girl, and help her I will.

[BuryYourFlame]

The only ever person that I know of who cut for attention, also lied about being pregnant, and lied about having a boyfriend, twice. Cutting is, the majority of the time, not an attention cry, it is a coping mechanism. You are just proving your ignorance if you think that self-harming is a good idea after reading about how people are addicted to it and want it out of their lives.

The Psych Ward is still not a place for arguments, either take this to PM's, or drop the subject.

[Harley Quinn]

this is the psych ward leave it out and take it some place else, people need our help

[muppletart]

If you would care to review the previous 4 posts, it is not I who is arguing. If you don't/didn't reply, it doesn't continue/turn into an argument.. Simple as.

Like I said, I'm helping this girl. And like I said to someone else, if they can't handle the truth in digestible bites that I'm willing to give it in, then that's their fault. Turns out this girl can, and actually wants to be helped - Which is why I am trying to help her. Others, however... Well as I outlined to you in a PM, hilarity ensues.

EDIT: Deleting my post when it's you who caused this "argument"?? Like I also outlined to you in a PM, children in moderator positions eventually causes chaos. I wouldn't be surprised if you now edited my posts sounding like I attempt to invoke an argument.

[Atonement]

I am going to make this VERY clear. The Psych Ward is a place for help, which you were trying to do, I understand. We all want to help eachother. But, when you instill ignorance and misinformation/stereotypes, it misleads and does more harm than good. In fact, the previous moderator was trying to educate you but you rejected his advice and piece of information and substituted it for your own reality. He told you to drop it, and you didn't.

If anyone here responds to this post or does not listen to it, they will be infracted. Anyone. You may respond to me in PM if you have a problem.