Right so here we go.

[Darkness]

I joined here for this topic, this should be under relationships but I need the advice of SI's and ExSI's Thats why I'm starting it here. If a mod wants to move it fair game.

So there's this girl I really like we're friends, and she was an Self harmer but she got over it. We talked about it once and I bought it up again and she "freaked out" She thinks I can't imagine what ever happened to her.

So I want to know some stuff.

A. How do I tell her:
I. I want to know what happened,
II. I don't want her to hide it from me if she starts again,
III. That I like her,
IV. That I can handle this
-without hurting her?

B. How do I stop myself from thinking it's my fault or the fault of others she hurt herself? I know its crazy for me to think that as I didn't know her when she was doing it.

C. How do I help her If she starts again?

and
D. How do I show her I can take this and I do care about her, and that I can realize the pain she went through?

I don't want her to feel she is alone. But I don't want her to think I'm manipulating her or that I don't think she can look after herself.

[Sapphire]

No one can make someone self harm. It is the self harmers action so they are the ones that make it happen. Sure, there are triggers like arguments etc. But they do not force the self harmer to do it.

As far as wanting to know what happened, that will have to be done when she is ready to talk about it. Chances are that she isn't ready atm because she freaked out the last time you both spoke about it.

If you want her to know that she isn't alone and you like her then tell her and show her through your actions that you like her and are there for her any day, any time. If she's upset then sit with her and listen to her. Do nice things for her like buying her flowers or preparing her favourite food for her. Have a laugh with her. Just generally be there for her.

[Darkness]

Right, Thanks. I'm grateful. Just one more thing. How likely is it that a ex-self harmer will start again?

[Sapphire]

It is hard to say.
I've slipped up a number of times since stopping but they have been rather isolated incidences. I know others who after slipping up have fallen back into it in a big way.

If she has a good support network and has improved her mechanisms for coping with stress then there really shouldn't be anything for you to worry about with regards to her returning back to self harm.

[Darkness]

I see, thank you.

[Sapphire]

No problem :)

It is really good of you to want to understand and try to help her

[Darkness]

I only wish I could have known her sooner.

[SincEreLyYeLLiNgBaCk]

aww its interesting to hear this story from the guys perspective, because my boyfrind and I were friends at first and he knew about my cutting and tried to be there for me and support me and then we dated (are dating lol). The only thing to be wary about is if you go out with her your gonna feel even more protective of her and if she relaspes please try and stay calm and understanding (its not your fault, cutters relaspse, it happens) because with my bf once we started going out he would get really judgemental and disapointed in me once he knew i relasped. (I know it was mostly because of his helplessness, but still it'll only made me feel worse) Oh and if the girl trusts you enough to confide her cutting in you she probably likes you too ;) ask her out. p.s. and maybe you should stress that you love and accept every part of her :) good luck (and sorry for my super long reply)

[2D]

aww its interesting to hear this story from the guys perspective, because my boyfrind and I were friends at first and he knew about my cutting and tried to be there for me and support me and then we dated (are dating lol). The only thing to be wary about is if you go out with her your gonna feel even more protective of her and if she relaspes please try and stay calm and understanding (its not your fault, cutters relaspse, it happens) because with my bf once we started going out he would get really judgemental and disapointed in me once he knew i relasped. (I know it was mostly because of his helplessness, but still it'll only made me feel worse) Oh and if the girl trusts you enough to confide her cutting in you she probably likes you too ;) ask her out. p.s. and maybe you should stress that you love and accept every part of her :) good luck (and sorry for my super long reply)

I second this. I hope everything works out for y'all. Best of luck.

[Darkness]

She had her tongue loosened by drink (Her idea, and my first time.) but I really do think she likes me and would have told me at some point. My first thought when she told me was so... animal, instinctive. I heard a voice inside my head that didn't speak. It said basically, "She's hurt, help her! comfort her!" At that point I hugged her.

Btw The long reply is really ok, I don't mind a bit! :)

I will have more questions later but not right now. I'm happy to answer any questions about this, or anything else!
Just post here or PM me.

P.S.
Thanks Jeff.

[SincEreLyYeLLiNgBaCk]

aww please go and be her knight and shining armor :) and tell us all when she says yes!

[Sunshine Girl]

aw i really hope theres other guys like you around. Yeah i think saphire summed up what i was going to say :] good luck!

[Darkness]

Ok, I'll tell you lot what happens when it happens.
It'll take time she lives very far away from me so it might be a year before anything happens again.
It sucks! :(

[2D]

I will now use you as an example that there are nice guys on this planet. Haha And she is the luckiest girl ever to have someone like you who cares so much about her. I hope you can see her sooner than a year. And I'm looking forward to hear what happens. =] Good luck lover boy. *sarcasmish* :D