1_21Guns
August 10th, 2009, 12:34 PM
I hate you. I hate you with all my heart, because you're the one who turned it to stone. I hate you because of what you did, because of what you said, and the way it still haunts me to this day. I'll never forgive you. Never.
You had me living in fear. My own flesh and blood. Forced to stay away from the people who had raised me, incase they were like you.
"I'm sorry", you said. And I believed you. Silly little niave me believed you. But I had to didn't I. After all, no matter how much verbal abuse you shot at me, I had to forgive you. Then it got worse didn't it dad, you started the emotional abuse too didn't you. My room was littered with notes, attempts at suicide notes, attempts at notes asking you to stop, notes I had written to get me through what you were saying. "Dad shouts so loud he cant hear himself think" one said. I've thrown most of them away now, what use to me are they now? Just something to make me remember what you said? Something to make me cry?
"He's still your dad" some say, as much as I hate to admit it, that means nothing to me, not anymore. That last sorry was just another meaningless word that you said. Those sorrys were the reason I didn't lose hope just yet. He means it this time, I thaught. But it wasnt to be was it dad? A day if not a few hours later, it would start all over again.
Remember the times we went to Blackpool dad? All the way there I had this beaming smile, a smile thats now gone forever. And we'd have a competition to see who could spot Blackpool Tower first? Remember how Mum always won, and i'd always be the last to see it, but I didn't care. Remember when we went on the Log Flume? I'd sit on your lap and you'd hold me tight when the final huge drop came. Then I'd scream and smile at the same time as the water crashed over us. Remember that? Or when mum wouldnt go on the rollercoasters, but you would. You went on them because I wanted too, even you had a smile on your face then, a smile that made me smile too because it was rare I saw it. Then remember when we'd go down to the beach, and i'd race along the waters edge? Remember when we used to write eachothers names in the sand, and we'd see who could write it the biggest? Then remember the time I found a glass in the sand, and I dug it out just for you. Then on the way home, just as we passed the hotels again, i'd drift off and sleep all the way home. Those memories make me smile, but never like I did back then. Maybe because now I know how those happy days would end, with tears of course, just as they always did, isn't that right dad. You never let me have one good day did you dad? It always had to end with my tears.
Remember my 8th birthday? You know, the one you spoilt. The one I spent the rest of the night crying. Well you wouldnt know about the crying, you just walked away. Just like mum did.
And remember when mum left you last december. I wasn't there but I can see it. "Thanks alot Julie" you said. Can you blame her? After all those smiles you wiped away? After all the stress you put us through. Can you blame her?
I want to carry on writing, I want to tell you everything, but I wont. I want to end this letter with I love you. But I can't. Because of you, I lost all my friends nearly every day, and had to walk around the playground on my own. Because of you, I wont let myself like anybody, so I wont get hurt. Because of you, I'm in this state.
I Hate You Dad.
Even though I wish I didn't.
Just something I started writing hopeing it might make me feel better about moving nearer him at the end of summer. At the moment i'm taking it really badly, and I'm hoping venting some of it out might help.
You had me living in fear. My own flesh and blood. Forced to stay away from the people who had raised me, incase they were like you.
"I'm sorry", you said. And I believed you. Silly little niave me believed you. But I had to didn't I. After all, no matter how much verbal abuse you shot at me, I had to forgive you. Then it got worse didn't it dad, you started the emotional abuse too didn't you. My room was littered with notes, attempts at suicide notes, attempts at notes asking you to stop, notes I had written to get me through what you were saying. "Dad shouts so loud he cant hear himself think" one said. I've thrown most of them away now, what use to me are they now? Just something to make me remember what you said? Something to make me cry?
"He's still your dad" some say, as much as I hate to admit it, that means nothing to me, not anymore. That last sorry was just another meaningless word that you said. Those sorrys were the reason I didn't lose hope just yet. He means it this time, I thaught. But it wasnt to be was it dad? A day if not a few hours later, it would start all over again.
Remember the times we went to Blackpool dad? All the way there I had this beaming smile, a smile thats now gone forever. And we'd have a competition to see who could spot Blackpool Tower first? Remember how Mum always won, and i'd always be the last to see it, but I didn't care. Remember when we went on the Log Flume? I'd sit on your lap and you'd hold me tight when the final huge drop came. Then I'd scream and smile at the same time as the water crashed over us. Remember that? Or when mum wouldnt go on the rollercoasters, but you would. You went on them because I wanted too, even you had a smile on your face then, a smile that made me smile too because it was rare I saw it. Then remember when we'd go down to the beach, and i'd race along the waters edge? Remember when we used to write eachothers names in the sand, and we'd see who could write it the biggest? Then remember the time I found a glass in the sand, and I dug it out just for you. Then on the way home, just as we passed the hotels again, i'd drift off and sleep all the way home. Those memories make me smile, but never like I did back then. Maybe because now I know how those happy days would end, with tears of course, just as they always did, isn't that right dad. You never let me have one good day did you dad? It always had to end with my tears.
Remember my 8th birthday? You know, the one you spoilt. The one I spent the rest of the night crying. Well you wouldnt know about the crying, you just walked away. Just like mum did.
And remember when mum left you last december. I wasn't there but I can see it. "Thanks alot Julie" you said. Can you blame her? After all those smiles you wiped away? After all the stress you put us through. Can you blame her?
I want to carry on writing, I want to tell you everything, but I wont. I want to end this letter with I love you. But I can't. Because of you, I lost all my friends nearly every day, and had to walk around the playground on my own. Because of you, I wont let myself like anybody, so I wont get hurt. Because of you, I'm in this state.
I Hate You Dad.
Even though I wish I didn't.
Just something I started writing hopeing it might make me feel better about moving nearer him at the end of summer. At the moment i'm taking it really badly, and I'm hoping venting some of it out might help.