1_21Guns
August 8th, 2009, 05:28 AM
The further I run, the closer it gets. The more I try and get away, the more it haunts me. The further away I am, the more I see it. I'm afraid. Why can't you see it? I'm falling apart. Yet you won't see it. You've lived with me all my life. You'd come home when you'd been out with your friends for me. You went without sleep, because you loved me. Yet when I want you to listen you won't hear me. When did you stop coming home early for me? When did you stop letting me come with you to get away from dad? When did you stop hugging me when I cried? Did you never hear me cry myself to sleep at night? Or did you choose not to listen? Did you miss the broken look in my eyes? Or did you see it and ignore it? Why did you walk away when I was in a heap on the floor after dad shouted? Why did you shout when I cried just like him? Why didn't you help me when I was bullied? Why did you tell me to hit people because of what they'd say? Did you seriously think I fell over every day so I had a new briuse? Did you seriously think dad wouldn't abuse me one way or another? Why didn't you get rid of me when you had the chance?
Its a vent towards my mother mostly. Basically i'm moving, not very far, but far enough for it to make me ill. Make me ill because now i'll be living on the main road, now my dad will drive past the window every morning. Knowing that makes me ill. Knowing that the man who was supposed to be my father, that verbally and emotionally abused me, will drive past maybe even look in the window. Whats he gonna do when he see's where I am? Just 2 Minutes away. I know what i'll do. I'll run, i'll cry, i'll start cutting again. So what am I supposed to do? Never look out of that window just incase he's there? Live in fear of him appearing again? Who wants to live like that, then again, surely thats better than cutting my way through days. I've told my mum 1000 times, I dont want to move, very bluntly. I haven't said that reason, I simply said, i'm further away from my friends again, i'm further away from school, its just inconvinent. Its like she can't hear me. Surely she must think theres another reason that i'm so adamant not to move. But its too late now. Moving nearer is unavoidable. If I see him, my heart will break inside, if it can, knowing that the one person I was brought up to love and trust, broke the trust every day of my life for at least six years. And there he was again. Just there.
Hm. venting mostly. not sure what reply I was after. just wanted to vent I guess...
Its a vent towards my mother mostly. Basically i'm moving, not very far, but far enough for it to make me ill. Make me ill because now i'll be living on the main road, now my dad will drive past the window every morning. Knowing that makes me ill. Knowing that the man who was supposed to be my father, that verbally and emotionally abused me, will drive past maybe even look in the window. Whats he gonna do when he see's where I am? Just 2 Minutes away. I know what i'll do. I'll run, i'll cry, i'll start cutting again. So what am I supposed to do? Never look out of that window just incase he's there? Live in fear of him appearing again? Who wants to live like that, then again, surely thats better than cutting my way through days. I've told my mum 1000 times, I dont want to move, very bluntly. I haven't said that reason, I simply said, i'm further away from my friends again, i'm further away from school, its just inconvinent. Its like she can't hear me. Surely she must think theres another reason that i'm so adamant not to move. But its too late now. Moving nearer is unavoidable. If I see him, my heart will break inside, if it can, knowing that the one person I was brought up to love and trust, broke the trust every day of my life for at least six years. And there he was again. Just there.
Hm. venting mostly. not sure what reply I was after. just wanted to vent I guess...