Ugh, I hate this

[Sapphire]

I'm not in a good place.

Feeling dirty and completely rotten. Worthless.
I hate that this happens.
I didn't even get halfway through.

Uggh!

[Bougainvillea]

Carole..?
Are you okay?

[Sapphire]

Not really.
I'm worthless as a woman...

[Bougainvillea]

Aww!
*Sits down, puts Carole in my lap, wraps arms around Carole*

You're beautiful, smart, and AMAZING at debating.
:)

What more could someone want? :)

[Sapphire]

Thanks, Chris. That means a lot :)

I only have one wish. I wish I could be sexual without freaking out. I don't know how to overcome this though.

[Bougainvillea]

You're welcome. :)

Hmm. Try to not think about it.
Everyone has their moments.

Think about pie, or chocolate chip cookies.

[Sapphire]

For the main part, I don't think about it. I carry on and push this all to the back of my mind.
It's not helped.
I think it may even be getting worse.

I'm still watching The Dark Knight though so am distracting myself a bit.

[Bougainvillea]

What do you think is bothering you?

[Sapphire]

Put bluntly, sex.
I can't cope with the 'dirt' aspect.
Even doing it myself can throw me into this - like it has this morning.

[Bougainvillea]

Whoa.
Maybe it's trauma from a past experience...?

You're 20 years old. Sex shouldn't make you feel dirty or useless because you're mature and you understand the responsibility of sex.

[Sapphire]

It makes sense for it to stem from a traumatic experience but I started feeling like this long before I ever had a traumatic sexual experience. It has intensified since then - most noticeably with my past sexual abuse. But I think it may have even got worse since then.

I know it shouldn't bother me and it kills me that it does because I'm not the only one to suffer as a result.

[Bougainvillea]

Lots of people have had experiences with sexual abuse. Even me.
Yes, I was molested as a child, and I've never told anyone. But I think "That was the past and there's nothing I can do."

You need to let these feelings go, Carole. Because as long as you have them, you will continue to have this funk you're in.

[Sapphire]

How do you do that?
How do you get past the dirtiness, the disgust, the repulsion?

I don't know how to.

[Bougainvillea]

I just pushed it out of my mind.

[Sapphire]

Glad you've worked past it.
I try to push it out of my mind but it doesn't help me.

[Bougainvillea]

Hmm.

I'm sorry, Carole.
Obviously, I can't help when it comes to things like this.
But I can offer comfort and support, if I haven't already. :P

[Sapphire]

I know that only I can solve this so don't feel bad about not being able to do it for me.

And the support is really appreciated, thanks :)

[Bougainvillea]

You're welcome, Carole :)