Cant let it out

[Josh9961]

I need to cut so badly right now
Im all worked up and edgy
I cant think straight
Im out of blades
I dont know what to do I dont know if shes for me anymore. I need to let it all out and get back into control :mad:

[Zazu]

Talk to us about what's going wrong, tell us about it. There are loads of people here on VT who are willing to help you by listening.

A problem shared is a problem halved as they say.

[Josh9961]

Okay

Ill take about half hour to think it out and type it

[Josh9961]

Im so sick of this. I stopped. didnt even scrath myself for 17 days. then i slipped up again. not so much a cut, as burying teh last of my blades into my arm. but these things are so crap taht they go blunt almost after the first use. :mad::mad::mad: But i dont know whats going on
Everyone at school except Tabea ( my gf) isolates me and judges me for who i am and what ido. i get kids i dont know following me around and chuckign things at me. I get people comin up to me and grabbing at my sleeves and pulling them back and laughing. MY BEST FRIEND LAUGHED AND CALLED ME A PUSSY TEHN TOLD ME TO GO KILL MYSELF. I cant take it. I really want out of all of this. I used to be completely normal. I used to be just another kid.
Tabea says she understands but to be honest, teh way she treats me and takes everything out on me makes me want to never speak to ehr again. makes me not want ehr. That makes me teh lowest form of scum in the world after all she sacrificed to be with me. Its got so unpredictable. I can be wildly happy one minute then randomly drop into a massive down mood and just wish for darkness to swallow me up. I wish taht the next time i pull taht razor across my wrists IT WORKS. AND IT WILL. And i want them all to see what happened to me. To remember me. I want all teh people who laugh and shout emo and throw things to know what this is like. I want them to cut and rip and tear and bleed and hurt and see the horribly beautiful red taht means Control is regained and Balance is restored. Im want them to know and see and hurt and PAY for everything they did. just because im different. I know soem of them used to cut. But im the one who gets pushed to teh edge. Im teh one who gets picked on. I AM TEH MOST SELFISH PERSON IN THE WORLD for posting this because Im amkign it all about me like usual but jsut once, i want tehm to see its all abuot me, i want them to feel teh warm spray of crimson when i stand in front of them and do it. I want them to understand and remember and sicken. I want to get away.

[MysticalBurrito]

Please don't kill yourself it's not worth it
Their assholes who can't see you for the special person you are :)
No I don't mean the "short bus" special
I mean the type of person once ya get to know them they shine type of special :)

I hope things get better for you

[BlackenedSilver]

I agree with exactly what Karina has said.
Killing yourself is totally not worth it. About your girlfriend.. if you don't think she is right for you and you don't think she is treating you right then break up with her.
I don't you very well but I bet your an amazing person, I hope people eventually see that.
I really hope things get better for you, if you ever need to talk feel free to Pm me or add me on Msn.

[Josh9961]

thanks. MY girlfriend... um i dunno
its a rough patch.
and its jsut difficult cos shes bi-polar and needs a lotta support
which often leaves me without any support of my own

[BlackenedSilver]

Oh right =/ Didn't know that I'm sorry Maybe she does need you alot then.
Well like I said on a previous post I'm here if you ever need to talk and you can rely on this forum for any support you need Always.

[Josh9961]

I know a lot of people have it worse and i feel like scum for complaining about MY life.

[BlackenedSilver]

I know exactly what you mean but things affect different people differently. You should never feel bad for talking to someone about yourself as everyone needs to, It can destroy people that don't talk about things, Ive seen it happen.
Yes some people may have it worse but that does not make what your feeling inferior to what others feel because like I said things affect different people differently.

[Josh9961]

All I want is for the people I have to spend 8 hours a day with to understand. Im sick of being the outsider. Im sick of the names and the looks

[BlackenedSilver]

I'm sorry, I wish there was a way to make them understand but sadly there isn't. You could try sitting down with them and explaining how you feel but if it's alot of people then I guess that won't work. You try your best to ignore them and hope that they will leave you alone.
But I really can't stress this point enough, we are all here if you ever need anyone to talk to. <3

[Josh9961]

Ive never done anything to them. I always did my best to be kind and caring :(

VT is the only place i really feel accepted

[BlackenedSilver]

Sadly people that you've never done anything to can turn on you, even if you have never spoken to them before. They obviously arn't worth your friendship if they are willing to do this to you, save your kindness to people that are willing to give it back to you.
I'm glad you feel accepted here. :)

[Josh9961]

I could handle a few people. but when my best friend turned them ALL against me... too far.

[NeoKitai]

Yeah, you think you got it bad? I am popular. People try to be my friends, even though I am an outsider. Nobody knows who I am. People tried, failed and I can't take them ANYMORE! I need to be left alone from them. I loved being the kid who faced off and defeated 7 people with no help on my side.

It's hell, pal. Just like life. I expect my life to change. I've enough scars on me, none from cutting. Yeah, I've 30, maybe 50 on my arm. I thought of cutting, I didn't. As I said that I expect life to change, I live it. Sure, it's unbearable and lets me go to a huge frenzy every year around May, but it's nothing. If I can live through hell with never-ending pain, you can live too.

Sure, it's bad having your best friend turn against you... but... do you really trust him? He's a jerk. Don't let him get to you. Be strong, and make everyone else weak. It's survival of the fittest. If you can become powerful enough, you will be on top. Make them pay or just try to get away from it.

Long story, short- Keep on living and expect it to be better.

Yes, I do know how to lose best friends...