BLAh

[eikookmi]

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I ask myself why am i even living and my chest starts to hurt because i can't even think of a reason. No matter what reasons people give, those reasons don't seem justified in my eyes. I had my all time low in may and almost killed myself and since then i was "alright." But now i feel like i'm going back to that. This whole time i've been lifeless without thought. And today i broke down and i felt as i was reliving may all over again. It feels like i'll never escape this. It was until after may i finally admitted to myself that i had severe depression for more than a year or so. And this girl i've recently just started to date made me a lil upset. I feel like we're not even together really and she's just...like for two days it felt awkward because she got mad at me for cutting. But she knew that i do that and she knows how i am. She knew what she got herself into. And she even understands how i feel and she's cut more severe than i've ever had. But she gets all upset at me because i have no reason to be like this. My life is really good actually. I wish she would just run away like everyone else sometimes, because this doesn't feel right anymore. But besides that.

It just doesn't go away. I've been thinking about getting help or therapy or something. But just as how i thought before, im not sure how it would help...i don't really have anything to say. I don't have any reasons for how i feel. I mainly just don't see a point in living. And i hurt and breakdown crying for no reason. I cut because it feels good. Most of the time i have no reason. And if i'm "alright" it's just short periods of time.

I'm anti social. I talk to the same people if i do talk. I don't have any close friends anymore. Anyone im with are just people i hang out with now. I don't really want to get close to anyone anymore because of the last two friends i was close to. It hurts to think that they just let me push them away and watch me basically go rock bottom.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is...i guess. I just don't understand how to get rid of depression. I like seriously don't see how to get rid of it. Because when i get like this it isn't just random sadness. My random sadness is like breakdown and cutting and breaking into a million pieces. Like suddenly crying holding onto yourself, but without a reason to.

I don't know.
I could say "help?", but i don't see how anything would help
Can i just not wake up?

[Syvelocin]

Go out with your mom or another family member to the movies. See a comedy of some sorts. Then go to your favorite restaurant. At least tell your family you love them, whether you feel like you do or not.

I have an unhealthy way of dealing with my problems. I just let them come and I don't even try to fix them. I stopped therapy because my therapist was criticizing my reasons behind cutting, and Prozac didn't work. But we're going to go back and keep trying different meds.

Maybe you should try to get on an anti-depressant that works for you? I don't have anything, but my mom has severe depression and bi-polar disorder and has finally got herself on Lexapro, which is what they'll probably try on me. But she's much happier.

I'm not going to criticize you about thinking about suicide, since I know what that's like. All I can say is to listen to some of your favorite bands and try hard to continue. The trick is to keep breathing.

Hope things turn around for you