I did it again, after 6 years

[Littleman]

Some of you might remember a thread i made a while back about the girl i love, she was cutting herself, and nearly killed herself (was titled 'Help! The love of my life is about to kill herself')

Well, she keeps saying she txt whenever i try to, she always claims shes busy, this has been happening for 2 weeks now. and its put me in a very depressed state, just looking at me you'll be able to tell something is wrong. My skin is pale (more then usally) my eyes have been really red (i havent been crying that much) and i havent been drinking/eating/sleeping as much as i should. I havent eaten or had anything to drink today, and ive been up sence 8 am (its 6 pm now)

Today she txted me, said she couldnt txt all weekend, and she would maybe talk to me on monday. This pushed me over the edge, i fell back in, i cut myself 4 times on my left leg, not very deep, just enough to bleed for a bit. :(

Im considering doing more, but i dont wanna start doing this again, but im so upset and depressed (parents keep backing out on things, she cant txt, she might not go to the same school, etc.) and i feel like cutting more. Ontop of all that, ive started listening to music i find depressing again (such as http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4 )

I just feel like dying right now, but im not the kind of person who would kill himself, i just... dont know what to do... :(

6 years, i made it 6 years without cutting, and now, because of the one i love, im doing it again.

please help me

-Ryan (A.K.A Littleman)

[YesterdaysNews]

hang in there, you can make it through this without hurting yourself more. think about what you accomplished man, 6 years is a long time, congrats. but everyone slips up sometimes, you just have to try and focus your mind on something positive and try to surpass your 6 year record. do you think you would be better off without this girl for awhile? what im trying to say is maybe taking a little break could be a good choice for both of you.
i hope this helps a littl bit. hang in there :]

[kt2369]

thats a really long time. good job for getting that far.
try to talk to her and tell her how your feeling. she might not know she it hurting you

[Littleman]

thats a really long time. good job for getting that far.
try to talk to her and tell her how your feeling. she might not know she it hurting you

I told her that her being away so much is becoming really hard for me, but she said something that i dont remember, that i dont care to remember

[kt2369]

im sorry shes doing this to you.
try telling her you miss her and just want to see her. plan a day. ask what day she is free.

[dstnyisurs]

Love, everyone makes slip ups. You are strong enough to not fall back into your old habits. Six years is so long... you don't want to mess that up, do you? If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to talk to me. I don't want to see you fall. You're too strong to succumb to your old habits.
I would simply tell your girlfriend you need HER as soon as you can see her. Try to spend just a day together, enjoying being together, doing something nice. Let her know you're having a hard time and just need to talk to her - and maybe you two can work out a way to talk every night or something.

[Littleman]

I would simply tell your girlfriend you need HER as soon as you can see her.

Ha, shes not my girlfriend, not yet alteast, but we are really close, close enough to become Bf/Gf if she wanted to

[dstnyisurs]

Oops! Sorry. Well, you're "really-close-close-female-friend-that-you-could-be-going-out-with" Betterrr? Hahha, have to be a smart ass.

[Littleman]

Oops! Sorry. Well, you're "really-close-close-female-friend-that-you-could-be-going-out-with" Betterrr? Hahha, have to be a smart ass.

I have to admit, you made me laugh for the first time this week :)


I sure wish she was my GF though.

[Silverfist64]

Well, maybe you should ask her out.

Btw, congrats on making it six years. Common, your strong you can make it through this without slipping. Those six years werent for nothing.

[Littleman]

Well, maybe you should ask her out.

Btw, congrats on making it six years. Common, your strong you can make it through this without slipping. Those six years werent for nothing.

I sorta did, but she said she isnt ready for anything like that yet, but then she turns around and sees nothing wrong with her 12 year old friend getting a boyfriend (she thinks that she is too young for me and her to date (shes 14 and im 14)

[dstnyisurs]

That's rather silly, but if she isn't ready, you won't gain any merit points by trying to coerce her into it.
YAY. :D I'm happy I made you laugh. You just made me feel special! Two good things in one! Haha. You laughed, I felt special, and who can not read this and smile????
You know you wanntttt toooo!!!!!! -pokey-
But in a way, it seems what you are being to her (see above reference) is more important then the label of "boyfriend". You're being a best friend, a person she can go to and confide in and depend on, so that's kind of in a way more powerful. Most people who date aren't good friends at all with the person they date. It's purely a romantic relationship and not a romanitc variation of close friendship, like it should be.
I hope it works out between you two. You're still young. (: There's plenty of time for going out and being girlfriend/boyfriend and all that jazz.

[Littleman]

That's rather silly, but if she isn't ready, you won't gain any merit points by trying to coerce her into it.
YAY. :D I'm happy I made you laugh. You just made me feel special! Two good things in one! Haha. You laughed, I felt special, and who can not read this and smile????
You know you wanntttt toooo!!!!!! -pokey-
But in a way, it seems what you are being to her (see above reference) is more important then the label of "boyfriend". You're being a best friend, a person she can go to and confide in and depend on, so that's kind of in a way more powerful. Most people who date aren't good friends at all with the person they date. It's purely a romantic relationship and not a romanitc variation of close friendship, like it should be.
I hope it works out between you two. You're still young. (: There's plenty of time for going out and being girlfriend/boyfriend and all that jazz.



True True, but i may not see her anymore if she goes to a different school (i worked really hard to go to the school she said she was going to, and now she isnt sure she's going there) i feel really uneasy about this (the whole school thing) If she goes to another school, our friendship/relationship may deterierate


oh... almost forgot... i couldnt hold back, but i only made one, just enough to bleed, and it isnt that big :(

[dstnyisurs]

If it's strong, and if you two keep the love/friendship/companionship strong you'll be able to still be close friends. Most of my best friends moved away or don't live near me. One lives a half an hour away, one lives an hour away, one goes to an entirly different school but still lives in the same town but we still barely see each other. It's hard, but if you try you can still be close. I'm kinda getting what your saying because the one who lives an hour away is perhaps the closest of all, and we've been kindof romantically involved. It's hard but it can work.
Well, thank goodness the injury isn't big. Love, you're strong. You can stop this. You're cared about so much, and no one wants to see you succumb to the monster. You're so much better then this. Your blood is not needed for happiness. Your pain is not pleasure, only an illusion. Pain is an addiction because in the end it starts to fool you into feeling good. You can beat the pain. I know you can. Feel free to talk to me anytime. I know you're strong enough to beat this.

[wildeyed]

first off, 6 years is amazing well done on that..
don't throw it away now. day 0 to get back to 6
years will be hard.
and second, don't let this girl define what you do.
you got to six years, thats incredible!
yeah she means a lot to you obviously, and you should hold
onto that.. but try not to let what she does define what you do.

best of luck

[Littleman]

Well, the cuts have almost healed, but i nearly made more today, after she had promised to talk to me today, so i kept my phone with me all day, i sent like 5 "Hey" and got no reply :( She doesnt break promises that much, so this is not like her. I feel like ive lost one of my family members, shes almost like a sister to me. and even though this is happening, I still love her :wub:

[antdogs24]

Damn

[Richer]

man you need to chill out. watch some spongebob. will that cheer you up? hmm? some spongebob?

[hereitgoes]

i could be completely wrong, and i don't mean to offend you, but it sounds like she really doesn't care about you at all. my first love happens to be 19. he had the most amazing personality ever, never failed to make me smile, but he was the biggest dick in the world. he told me he loved me, that i'd be the perfect girlfriend if i was older, then a couple months ago, after he stole my brothers porn, my sister's vodka, my friend's DVDs, my money, some other guy's money, and a couple of girls' virginity, he moved away, blocked my number and hasn't talked to me since.

where i come in is he told me he was going to commit suicide (but was lying), i attempted suicide, got sent to a mental hospital, attempted suicide again, got high, started smoking, cut myself, starved myself and lost ten pounds after i had thought i'd recovered from EDNOS. i have a girlfriend now, a girl who REALLY cares about me and would do anything for me. i held on to this guy for so long that i hurt her beyond repair. we both cut, we both suffer from eating disorders, and we both have trust issues. when i go outside, it can be 100 degrees and i'm wearing a jacket and jeans, hiding my scars, my face, and my body i hate so much.

if it's bad, please, look for help. i didn't want help then but i'd do anything to take back what i've done to all the people who care about me whom i've hurt and the scars i have that are so deep they will never fade. the drugs, smoking, and starving he caused in me will take years off of my life and permanately damage my physical body, and the emotional things he did to me have permanately damaged my mind and the way i think and feel. this impact she has on you will not be worth it in the future, i promise you.

BTW: i love that song. just thought i'd mention that.

[Littleman]

Shes the entire reason i stopped cutting to begin with, she kept me happy, she always gave me someone to talk to, and she said she would always be there, and we have both promised to stay friends forever no matter what happens

\

BTW: i love that song. just thought i'd mention that.


Yeah, me too. i like it when im not thinking about taking it seriously (the dreams in which im dying part)

[hereitgoes]

same with Chase. mention that to her, talk about why she hasn't been speaking much to you. i could be completely wrong and she could just be really down about something she hasn't told you about and doesn't feel like talking or maybe she has been really busy with something she can't tell you about. i don't want to make any assumptions but just keep in mind that people aren't always who you think they are. cutting yourself is not going to help. if you stopped because of her then i have reason to believe that if she found out you started again you'll be in a much worse place with her than this. there have got to be people out there who care, including people like me who don't even know you. i've seen first hand the damage self-harm can do. it is amazing that you had gone 6 years without doing it because right now i'm fighting the urge myself not to go in my room and destroy my body even more. this just isn't worth it. it's not going to solve anything. please, please talk to someone or do something that will help and keep you from cutting because you're young and have your whole life ahead of you and you don't need to spend it regretting things you did in the past. you never know, you could even lose people by doing this. i know i have.
sorry for the long posts.

[Littleman]

Well, i got a bit of good news, I got into the same school she is going to, so ill be seeing her more now, but, worst of all, I cant stay with my uncle anymore, so my parents are forcing me into the dorm. I dont want to stay in the fucking dorm! I dont want to share my room, i dont want to shower with other people! I CAN NOT STAY IN THE GOD DAMN DORM! but all i get is "Too bad" This enfuryated me, i cut my leg 5 or 6 times, deeper then the others, I just dont know what to do, I am strongly agaist staying in the dorm, my parents know this, but they dont give a crap.

(sorry for the languge, i just needed to vent)

I just want it to all end! my parents keep telling me to do one thing, then tell me to do something else first, then get mad cuz i didnt do the other thing.
My entire life is just going down the drain, it keeps getting worse


I considered suicide today... but i dont know yet...

[dstnyisurs]

No. No no no no no.
Suicide will get you nowhere.
Love, the dorm may sound like a bad idea, but think, having to have someone living in with you may be the key to stopping your cutting because you'll have someone else breathing down your neck.
I'm sorry you don't want to be in a dorm, but this is not worth your bloodshed. You're worth so much more then this addiction.
Parents are asses. It's the general rule, at some point all parents are asses. But some are all the time. It's just the unfortunate people that get stuck with them that deal with the consequences.
Their bull is not worth your bloodshed. Love, you are so much better then this addiction.