Rutherford The Brave
July 29th, 2009, 09:39 PM
I've been rattling myself to stay sane for the past 2 months. All in all, things just kind of fell appart like a jigsaw puzzle falling from a table. Let's delve into my state of mind shall me?
Let's start with the lack of sleep. So lately, I've been fufilling a life long dream. I've become a near full time fisherman, and with it comes the territory. We work constant hours, with little sleep and little food. Now, being at home with Cheyenne I find myself hardly sleeping. I'm so used, to waking up to the slightest sound and bundling up. So now I feel worn down and well exhausted.
Smoking, some call it nasty, others see it as a way to rid oneself of stress. Me, I happen to be caught in a catch 22 I see that A.) its bad, B.) I'm addicted and C.) it could kill me. Yet, I feel so stressed to put money in the bank since my dad took all the money that my grandmother said I was going to get. Where I go these days, I am out either buying baby neccessities or smokes. I want to quit yet, I'm addicted and I work on a smoke death trap.
Finally, and hopefully the last time I need to talk about this. Noor. Not only did we break up, but I've taken custody (of Cheyenne). Now, I am set to head back for a few days to have a "Conference" so our friends can put glue between us and push us together. I don't want Noor back, honestly I love her, but I met a new girl and well I just want to be friends. I'm afraid my words might hurt her but I really and scared. Its like do I hold my tongue or do I tell her the truth.
I'm being completly honest here when I tell you that, all this has in fact pushed me to think about suicide once again.
Let's start with the lack of sleep. So lately, I've been fufilling a life long dream. I've become a near full time fisherman, and with it comes the territory. We work constant hours, with little sleep and little food. Now, being at home with Cheyenne I find myself hardly sleeping. I'm so used, to waking up to the slightest sound and bundling up. So now I feel worn down and well exhausted.
Smoking, some call it nasty, others see it as a way to rid oneself of stress. Me, I happen to be caught in a catch 22 I see that A.) its bad, B.) I'm addicted and C.) it could kill me. Yet, I feel so stressed to put money in the bank since my dad took all the money that my grandmother said I was going to get. Where I go these days, I am out either buying baby neccessities or smokes. I want to quit yet, I'm addicted and I work on a smoke death trap.
Finally, and hopefully the last time I need to talk about this. Noor. Not only did we break up, but I've taken custody (of Cheyenne). Now, I am set to head back for a few days to have a "Conference" so our friends can put glue between us and push us together. I don't want Noor back, honestly I love her, but I met a new girl and well I just want to be friends. I'm afraid my words might hurt her but I really and scared. Its like do I hold my tongue or do I tell her the truth.
I'm being completly honest here when I tell you that, all this has in fact pushed me to think about suicide once again.