Just making things worse for myself?

[1_21Guns]

Well i've had a pretty bad week tbh. But recently i've been trying to make sense of the past, which I remember all too well. Remembering how I felt at the time of whatever i'm remembering and what I did, and what I should of done. I hate it when I go through the past in my mind. Because I can litterally "see" it like a flashback. But I couldn't help it, I want to understand whats happened. Now I fear i'm going to make things worse for myself by remembering the days when I was so low at such a young age.
Really at the moment the only thing I have to talk to is thin air when I look out of my window at night when i'm ment to be asleep and i'm talking to myself.
I've been argueing with myself all day about being suicidal again. I've been told i'm moving nearer my dad by the end of summer, which could fuck me up really bad. Just knowing that he'll drive past the window every morning makes me feel sick and drags up so many memories. I'll still see all my friends, its not like im moving away. Its just being there that I dispise. The house is great, I like the place we're moving. I just hate where it is.
I'm just so low, everythings going wrong at the moment and i'm begining to wonder whats going on. I'd talk to a friend about this, but for one, the one I usually talk to about it has gone away and wont be back until saturday, and two, i'm worried i'm going to scare her with the things I say sometimes.
I hate being alone, but its just so much easier, i'll go out so nobody thinks theres anything wrong, but thankfully the weathers awful which kinda helps, apart from its making me feel even lower.
This probably seems like a really random thread, guess it was more of a rant, and I could go on and on, but I wont.
I'm just so afraid, I know I need help, but I wont let myself get it. And its pulling me apart :( I'm exausted from argueing with myself, i'm exaused from being alive. I think i've had enough. I was planning to overdose again a few weeks ago, which is something i've been concidering for a few months now. I didn't, clearly, and I doubt I will. I'm just so fed up of everything.

[nachtspiegel]

Do you have a reason for not letting yourself get help? It is called "help" for a reason and even though it truly can be difficult to find the right person to work through things with, once you do, it's an amazing experience.
If you don't mind my asking, have bad things happened in the past with your dad? You mentioned that knowing that he'll drive past every day makes you sick and brings back bad memories. That seems to be a big piece of what's going on inside of your head.
What things from the past are replaying in your head?

[Fiending_the_freedom]

obviously you know you want to live because you're posting this for a reason.
Grab on to that part of you that does and stay strong,
You have to stop living in the past and i know it is a lot harder than it sounds, people used to say that to me all the time and i would just dismiss it, because i was just stuck in blaming myself for things i couldn't change.

take everything you've gone through and learn from it,
suicide is too easy, we all have that option, you're stronger than that.

[Θάνατος]

You can talk to me if you need some one to talk too.

But it sounds like to me you need to get some professional help.

I hope the best for you but I am willing to listen to you if you want to talk.

[1_21Guns]

Do you have a reason for not letting yourself get help? It is called "help" for a reason and even though it truly can be difficult to find the right person to work through things with, once you do, it's an amazing experience.
If you don't mind my asking, have bad things happened in the past with your dad? You mentioned that knowing that he'll drive past every day makes you sick and brings back bad memories. That seems to be a big piece of what's going on inside of your head.
What things from the past are replaying in your head?

I don't think I do have a reason for not letting myself get help, its just everytime I try and write a letter to my mum or try and say something I freeze and I cant physically do anything if its to do with getting help. I know I need help, but i'm begining to question if i want it, I do want to get better and that, but i'm more a suffer in silence person, as much as its put me through.
And as for my dad, I dont know if they were bad bad things, but he verbally and emotionally abused me, alot, for years. It messed me up really badly, and especially seeing as I was being bullied around the same time, it would often push me over the edge. The first thing I can remember is him shouting at me on my birthday, I have no idea what happened before that, which I have to admit scares me, because I swear blind i'm surpressing memories. It is a big piece of whats going on inside my head at the moment, it has been since I found out we're moving on Monday, but it varies, my dad is always somewhere in my mind, but theres always something bad on my mind.
And the things replaying in my head are mostly what my dad would say or do, or even the bullies, or walking round the playground in primary on the same lines over and over again, on my own, occasionally singing to myself, half in tears. Its just most memories i have, the time i ruined christmas (which was actually my fault, i'm not just blaming myself for the sake of it), running away a few times, crying myself to sleep at night, just falling to a heap on the floor and breaking down, the 2 times i was very close to attempting suicide and the one time I did. Practically my whole life just replays in my mind, sometimes there's good things that will make me happy for a while and smile to myself, but as the day i'm remembering comes to an end, like it was then, the happiness is snatched away by my dads abuse. I'm going to stop rambling on now, I think you get the idea....

[1_21Guns]

obviously you know you want to live because you're posting this for a reason.
Grab on to that part of you that does and stay strong,
You have to stop living in the past and i know it is a lot harder than it sounds, people used to say that to me all the time and i would just dismiss it, because i was just stuck in blaming myself for things i couldn't change.

take everything you've gone through and learn from it,
suicide is too easy, we all have that option, you're stronger than that.
I know I want to live, and i'm trying so hard to hold on.
I know I have to stop living in the past, and I tell myself that, then not long after there i'll go again finding memories that I can put my blame on. I've tried to do that so many times, i've almost lost count of the amount of times.
I try and learn from everything i've gone through, but that isn't easy when all you can do is blame yourself for things either.
And I know suicide is too easy, thats why I doubt i'd go through with it unless I completely lost control of myself. I'm stronger in the rare moments when i'm kinda okay and happy, but when i'm not, I feel so weak and out of control.

[1_21Guns]

You can talk to me if you need some one to talk too.

But it sounds like to me you need to get some professional help.

I hope the best for you but I am willing to listen to you if you want to talk.

Thanks, I think I managed to get everything out in this thread thats going on at the moment. And I know I need some professional help... you wouldnt believe how long i've known it. If I have something I need to talk about that comes up, and its okay, I could end up talking to you about it. (I'd feel rude just attacking you with my problems...)

[joethestar17]

Im also willing to listen to u too, just pm if u ever need to talk about anything......

Btw its best u should get professional help cause if u do they probelm can help u get ahold of the will to keep living and get past the desires of wanting to kill urself....

[1_21Guns]

Im also willing to listen to u too, just pm if u ever need to talk about anything......

Btw its best u should get professional help cause if u do they probelm can help u get ahold of the will to keep living and get past the desires of wanting to kill urself....

Thanks, like I said to another user who offered to listen, I think i've got most of whats up out in this thread, but if its okay, and something else comes up I could end up talking to you about it
and yeah I know...

[nachtspiegel]

I don't think I do have a reason for not letting myself get help, its just everytime I try and write a letter to my mum or try and say something I freeze and I cant physically do anything if its to do with getting help. I know I need help, but i'm begining to question if i want it, I do want to get better and that, but i'm more a suffer in silence person, as much as its put me through.
And as for my dad, I dont know if they were bad bad things, but he verbally and emotionally abused me, alot, for years. It messed me up really badly, and especially seeing as I was being bullied around the same time, it would often push me over the edge. The first thing I can remember is him shouting at me on my birthday, I have no idea what happened before that, which I have to admit scares me, because I swear blind i'm surpressing memories. It is a big piece of whats going on inside my head at the moment, it has been since I found out we're moving on Monday, but it varies, my dad is always somewhere in my mind, but theres always something bad on my mind.
And the things replaying in my head are mostly what my dad would say or do, or even the bullies, or walking round the playground in primary on the same lines over and over again, on my own, occasionally singing to myself, half in tears. Its just most memories i have, the time i ruined christmas (which was actually my fault, i'm not just blaming myself for the sake of it), running away a few times, crying myself to sleep at night, just falling to a heap on the floor and breaking down, the 2 times i was very close to attempting suicide and the one time I did. Practically my whole life just replays in my mind, sometimes there's good things that will make me happy for a while and smile to myself, but as the day i'm remembering comes to an end, like it was then, the happiness is snatched away by my dads abuse. I'm going to stop rambling on now, I think you get the idea....

If you have to, write your letter a little at a time. Part of what she's there to do as your mother is help you where the need arises. You've gotten through quite a bit but suffering in silence won't help you, and you're right, it puts you through a lot. Do you have another trusted family member or friend that could possibly talk to your mother if you find that you simply can't bring yourself to it? Sometimes, we all need help to a varying degree. Don't be afraid to do what will, in turn, make your life so much better! :)
You shouldn't have to work through everything by yourself and you've taken a big step by posting this. Don't hesitate to do what you need to do for yourself. And remember, in the meantime, VT is a great place to let it all out - whatever "it" may be at any given time. Don't hesitate to PM me if you want to. :)

[1_21Guns]

If you have to, write your letter a little at a time. Part of what she's there to do as your mother is help you where the need arises. You've gotten through quite a bit but suffering in silence won't help you, and you're right, it puts you through a lot. Do you have another trusted family member or friend that could possibly talk to your mother if you find that you simply can't bring yourself to it? Sometimes, we all need help to a varying degree. Don't be afraid to do what will, in turn, make your life so much better! :)
You shouldn't have to work through everything by yourself and you've taken a big step by posting this. Don't hesitate to do what you need to do for yourself. And remember, in the meantime, VT is a great place to let it all out - whatever "it" may be at any given time. Don't hesitate to PM me if you want to. :)

I know it wont help, and I have loads of trusted friends, just not sure if theres any that would or could tell my mum for me, and nobody in my family knows... I don't think I can bring myself to do it myself though.
Thanks..

[Fiending_the_freedom]

I know I want to live, and i'm trying so hard to hold on.
I know I have to stop living in the past, and I tell myself that, then not long after there i'll go again finding memories that I can put my blame on. I've tried to do that so many times, i've almost lost count of the amount of times.
I try and learn from everything i've gone through, but that isn't easy when all you can do is blame yourself for things either.
And I know suicide is too easy, thats why I doubt i'd go through with it unless I completely lost control of myself. I'm stronger in the rare moments when i'm kinda okay and happy, but when i'm not, I feel so weak and out of control.

I know its hard, but you need to start recognizing the process that goes on in your head when you start to think about the past, and figure out a way to stop yourself from going there before you've even started. You can't wait until you are already thinking about it.
I see you making excuses for yourself like that you blame yourself for things which i know i used to do too, but thats just letting you know its ok to think about the past because "its your fault" but it isn't and either way its not going to get you anywhere.