nachtspiegel
July 26th, 2009, 01:46 AM
There's something else that I'm not sure if I've posted here or not. I honestly can't remember and I can't be bothered to look back and find out. I've got to let it out somewhere before it comes out in the wrong ways.
As I've posted before, I was sexually abused for years. There's another chapter to the story though, that, as I mentioned, I'm not sure if I've posted here before.
I have a best friend. She's two years older than I am. We met in '99 and we were separated in '01 or '02 (I honestly can't remember now) when she moved away. We got back into contact at the beginning of '07 and we've been close ever since.
Before she moved away, her mom was with a woman that had a son who is several years older than we are. I have a brother that's four years older than I am. When both her stepbrother was about thirteen, my brother was twelve, she was ten, and I was eight, some things happened.
One day, we were left alone in my friend's grandparents house. More like, my mom was at work, my dad was drunk, and her mom and her mom's partner were too high to know the difference. I don't remember where her grandparents were. To make this ever increasingly long story a bit shorter, her stepbrother and my brother made us do sexual things with each other. At first, they stayed in the room. After a little while, they lost interest and act like nothing ever happened. After they stopped influencing us, we didn't stop doing the things that they cornered us into doing.
I don't know what to chalk it off to. I told my mom when I was thirteen and she flipped on me and told me not to ever mention it again. She knows the looks that I get when he comes around. I don't have any hard feelings toward him. In my mind, we were all kids then, but it crosses my mind every time I see him. I don't know what to think or how to feel about all of it. My friend and I have talked about it very briefly, but we never talked about it in the way that it really is. I do know that my brother pretty much hasn't had a conversation with me since we were eleven and fifteen. I don't know what to call this. I'm afraid of overstepping it and calling it abuse. I'm afraid that if I tell my therapist, social services will be called although I am the only one out of the four of us that is still under eighteen. My mom knows why I get the look on my face that I do and she shoots me a look every time that says "you had best keep your mouth shut." It isn't like I plan to do otherwise.
I wonder why my mother acts the way she does. That I'm supposed to take everything that everyone has done to me - inside of the family and otherwise - and just deal. I can think of one person that I could possibly talk to about this in my everyday life (outside of the internet) but I'm still not sure about it. i wonder if she's told anyone. I'm tired of feeling like a scapegoat and an outcast in my own family. I'm just ready to go.
I will probably regret saying all of that, but most of the other "deep" stuff is elsewhere on this site. Might as well throw another on.
I hope this will make me feel a little...better.
As I've posted before, I was sexually abused for years. There's another chapter to the story though, that, as I mentioned, I'm not sure if I've posted here before.
I have a best friend. She's two years older than I am. We met in '99 and we were separated in '01 or '02 (I honestly can't remember now) when she moved away. We got back into contact at the beginning of '07 and we've been close ever since.
Before she moved away, her mom was with a woman that had a son who is several years older than we are. I have a brother that's four years older than I am. When both her stepbrother was about thirteen, my brother was twelve, she was ten, and I was eight, some things happened.
One day, we were left alone in my friend's grandparents house. More like, my mom was at work, my dad was drunk, and her mom and her mom's partner were too high to know the difference. I don't remember where her grandparents were. To make this ever increasingly long story a bit shorter, her stepbrother and my brother made us do sexual things with each other. At first, they stayed in the room. After a little while, they lost interest and act like nothing ever happened. After they stopped influencing us, we didn't stop doing the things that they cornered us into doing.
I don't know what to chalk it off to. I told my mom when I was thirteen and she flipped on me and told me not to ever mention it again. She knows the looks that I get when he comes around. I don't have any hard feelings toward him. In my mind, we were all kids then, but it crosses my mind every time I see him. I don't know what to think or how to feel about all of it. My friend and I have talked about it very briefly, but we never talked about it in the way that it really is. I do know that my brother pretty much hasn't had a conversation with me since we were eleven and fifteen. I don't know what to call this. I'm afraid of overstepping it and calling it abuse. I'm afraid that if I tell my therapist, social services will be called although I am the only one out of the four of us that is still under eighteen. My mom knows why I get the look on my face that I do and she shoots me a look every time that says "you had best keep your mouth shut." It isn't like I plan to do otherwise.
I wonder why my mother acts the way she does. That I'm supposed to take everything that everyone has done to me - inside of the family and otherwise - and just deal. I can think of one person that I could possibly talk to about this in my everyday life (outside of the internet) but I'm still not sure about it. i wonder if she's told anyone. I'm tired of feeling like a scapegoat and an outcast in my own family. I'm just ready to go.
I will probably regret saying all of that, but most of the other "deep" stuff is elsewhere on this site. Might as well throw another on.
I hope this will make me feel a little...better.