1_21Guns
July 25th, 2009, 08:23 PM
Me and my mum were sat talking like we do every night, and while talking she saw the several scars on my arm, grabbed it, and ran her thumb over them. Then proceeded to say "it looks like you've been slashing yourself" so I acted stupid and said "dont be stupid" that time and the time after she tried insisting i'd hurt myself. Then I went "why would I do that?" and she went "i dont know". It was really silent for a while, then she went, "whats it look like then" I just shrugged and said "about 5 lines" (even though there are a few more) she went "well there better not be any more lines" i went "why would there be" again all I got in response was "i dont know" but this time followed by "you're going to the doctors you, if you're starting that crack" i then went, "right, you've had a dig at me not eating properly, you've had a dig at my arm, anything else?!" she then went "no, but i'm more worried about your arm...."
it all kinda drifted away after that, but idk, i'm really worried she will take me to the doctors, she knows i've done it myself, she just wont be adamant about it. As much as I want help, and I wanted to admit there and then, I couldn't do it. I dont know if im angry at myself, or angry at her for not seeing I was so messed up before it got this bad. I've just go so used to living a lie infront of her and others, i've almost convinced myself theres nothing wrong, when there clearly is. I dont know if nows the perfect time to finally admit i'm fucked up, or if i should ignore it, and hope it goes away, and keep trying to get better on my own. At the moment all i'm wondering is if i'm going to have another freak out moment, which is like being how i was a couple of years back, severly depressed and suicidal for half an hour or so. I'm scared of living like this, but i'm scared of getting help and not living this way. I'm just so confused about what I want and how I feel. Little does she know i'm not starting it, i've finished it... has anybody else beaten depression on their own, or did you need help along the way?
it all kinda drifted away after that, but idk, i'm really worried she will take me to the doctors, she knows i've done it myself, she just wont be adamant about it. As much as I want help, and I wanted to admit there and then, I couldn't do it. I dont know if im angry at myself, or angry at her for not seeing I was so messed up before it got this bad. I've just go so used to living a lie infront of her and others, i've almost convinced myself theres nothing wrong, when there clearly is. I dont know if nows the perfect time to finally admit i'm fucked up, or if i should ignore it, and hope it goes away, and keep trying to get better on my own. At the moment all i'm wondering is if i'm going to have another freak out moment, which is like being how i was a couple of years back, severly depressed and suicidal for half an hour or so. I'm scared of living like this, but i'm scared of getting help and not living this way. I'm just so confused about what I want and how I feel. Little does she know i'm not starting it, i've finished it... has anybody else beaten depression on their own, or did you need help along the way?