Why?

[1_21Guns]

Why wont this emotional pain stop? Why cant I sleep anymore? Why do I keep "seeing" things from my past? Why can I feel myself slipping back into serious depression to the point where I try to kill myself? Why has my mother suddenly taken an interest in my life? Why everytime I see a way I could kill myself, does the thaught cross my mind? Why wont I tell my mum i'm depressed even though I know I should? What did I do to deserve this? Earlier I was huddled up in a corner, crying my eyes out, silently screming those questions. I cant take much more of it, i'm continually living a lie somehow, i'm holding onto thin air. It just feels like i'm slipping back into being suicidal again, which is one place I never want to go again. I got so stressed I punched a wall, several times, hard. My mums suddenly taken an interest in why I was so pissed off. She then went to hug me, I shrugged her off, and she asked why, I went, you never hugged me when I wanted a hug when I was little, she then said I was dilusional at times. I'm probably just freaking out again but i'm getting so tired of these breakdowns everytime I try to sleep. I'm so exaused, and I keep having low moments I havent had in a long time, later on my mums forcing me to go out somewhere I dont want to go. Just the other day I tried to force myself to throw up I felt so weak and pointless. I'm not eating properly, I'm losing it again, I swear.

[Hyper]

There never really is an answer to those kind of whys

I don't know your mother but if I were you I'd try not to push her away if she feels interested maybe she genuinely wants to help you

Are you on any meds??

[1_21Guns]

I know..
And maybe, but I very much doubt it...
And nope, probably should be though.

[itsandrew_]

I'm sorry to hear this! is there anything I can do to help?? I'm willing to help out.

[1_21Guns]

Thanks, but I dont think anybody can help me but for myself. And if I wont get help, I wont feel any better... thanks again though, I just cant think of anything you could do that might help =/

[Never_Forget]

Life is cruel, cold, unmerciful and unforgiving. But always remember that for every action, feeling, thought or person, there is an opposite.
If you die, you have a 1/infinity chance of being happy.
If you live, you have a 1/1 chance of being happy one day.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Times get tough, and I understand, but you always have to keep fighting.
If you give up, how can you do anything but lose?

[1_21Guns]

Thanks Black Hate, you've put that into a way i've never thaught about that before, i've always understood that dieing would be selfish, and just taking the easy way out and saving myself while hurting everyone else. Despite that I have attempted in the past. I'm not going to give up anytime soon, or hopefully at all. Like I mentioned in the thread, I think I was just having another freak out moment, I had one a few weeks back and I felt similar things. I want them to stop, and I hope I dont have another one, and I wont let them get the better of me. Thanks again.

[Hyper]

I know..
And maybe, but I very much doubt it...
And nope, probably should be though.

Well you sound well on close or on severe depression so you need to seek professional help

[1_21Guns]

Well you sound well on close or on severe depression so you need to seek professional help

I've thaught that i've been on or close to severe depression for a long time. And I know that I need to seek professional help, but I can't bring myself to tell my mum, I had a 2 week long argument with myself over that, while I was on holiday too. At one point, I was going to tell her, then I decided not to, and I was going to tell her by writing a letter, so facing her wouldnt be a problem.

[Hyper]

I've thaught that i've been on or close to severe depression for a long time. And I know that I need to seek professional help, but I can't bring myself to tell my mum, I had a 2 week long argument with myself over that, while I was on holiday too. At one point, I was going to tell her, then I decided not to, and I was going to tell her by writing a letter, so facing her wouldnt be a problem.

Well what happened to going to?

[1_21Guns]

Well what happened to going to?

going to what? sorry. i'm slow today...

[Hyper]

going to what? sorry. i'm slow today...

As in tell your mother

[1_21Guns]

As in tell your mother

I dunno, its just by the end of my holiday I was going to tell her, but when I got back, I couldn't do it. I couldnt write a letter, I couldnt say a thing, I couldn't physically bring myself to do anything.

[Hyper]

I dunno, its just by the end of my holiday I was going to tell her, but when I got back, I couldn't do it. I couldnt write a letter, I couldnt say a thing, I couldn't physically bring myself to do anything.

Well were you scared or ashamed

[1_21Guns]

Well were you scared or ashamed

ashamed tbh. My dads a depressed alcoholic that hasnt got help, and I didnt want my mum to know that I was turning out the same way as him. But I guess I was scared of what she'd say and what it would do to my family too.

[Hyper]

ashamed tbh. My dads a depressed alcoholic that hasnt got help, and I didnt want my mum to know that I was turning out the same way as him. But I guess I was scared of what she'd say and what it would do to my family too.

The only one who can break out and say the truth for what it is, is you

I'd think of it this way; there'd be a lot more shame in not doing anything to get help especially when you know that you need it and even more if you have a living example thats painfully close to you illustrating the results

And theres nothing to be scared of the only thing that can happen is change and even if your mother gets upset it simply shows that she cares

[1_21Guns]

The only one who can break out and say the truth for what it is, is you

I'd think of it this way; there'd be a lot more shame in not doing anything to get help especially when you know that you need it and even more if you have a living example thats painfully close to you illustrating the results

And theres nothing to be scared of the only thing that can happen is change and even if your mother gets upset it simply shows that she cares

I know, but I get so close to telling her one way or another, then just freeze. Its like I can't physically move.
Maybe its the change i'm afraid of. I just dont know anymore. I've felt similar to this for years so its kinda what i'm used to. And I doubt she'd get too upset. probably angry, if not at me but herself. I dont want to hurt other for my own sake =/

[Hyper]

I know, but I get so close to telling her one way or another, then just freeze. Its like I can't physically move.
Maybe its the change i'm afraid of. I just dont know anymore. I've felt similar to this for years so its kinda what i'm used to. And I doubt she'd get too upset. probably angry, if not at me but herself. I dont want to hurt other for my own sake =/

Any parent who cares about their child is hurt far worse watching them hurt, trust me on that one.

You just lose your courage and determination at the last moment and you problably don't try to pick it up, I can imagine that when you get to this point you start telling yourself that you shouldn't say it to her, she'll be angry, it'll hurt her etc.

But its a vicious cycle of thought that simply has to be broken