I hate myself.

[Spin]

For the past 2 weeks or so I've been at an all time low. I've been crying when I think about depressing thoughts. Something very little and insignificant can get me in the worst mood ever. I have absolutely nothing to look foward to except for after highschool which is 3 years away. About a year ago I moved to where I live now and I absolutely hate it here. I'm not hanging out with friends because I don't really like my friends or the people here. My friends from my home town and I have not been keeping in touch. One would say that I could just find new friends, right? But it's not that easy for me. Maybe before the OCD symptoms (And this is just a self-diagnosis, although I am pretty sure I have it) started getting worse I could get new friends, but not now because I'm so shy and introverted and I feel so awkward talking to strangers. All I can think about is everything that is wrong with me. I just hate that these are suppose to be the best years of my life and they're really the worst. I hate that when I'm in my mid-twenties, I'll look back and think "Wow. I had a sucky adolescent hood". I want to stop cutting but it's really the only thing I have keeping me somewhat sane. I feel like I'm going to snap at any minute. I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't even have the courage to ask for help. So now writing this message makes me feel so needy and attention seeking because even though I am asking for help, it's from people that I don't even know, who can't get me the real help I need. I've asked for help from my parents but they were rather futile attempts. They don't know exactly what's going on with me, and how bad the OCD has gotten. They don't even know I feel so low, they just think I want to get help for the OCD. I feel completely worthless and that I'm wasting my life away. I don't even get good grades because I have no motivation and I'm so uninterested in school. I would love to just end it all, but I'm too much of a coward to even do that.

[Hyper]

You can't get better alone and if your parents can't understand how you really feel and how low you feel ( problably because you can't tell it to them or they just wont listen )

Try writing it on paper and giving it to them.. For someone like me that works better than trying to look somebody in the eye and tell them I feel horrible and so on..

[1_21Guns]

your not too much of a coward to end it all, it just means that somewhere you have something to live for and you dont want to upset your family by doing that. Hyper is right, try writing a letter or something if you cant bring yourself to say it to them face to face. You can't get much help if you dont tell somebody who can get you real help whats wrong. And for what its worth, self harming isnt keeping you sane, its just the easier way of dealing with things, if you want to stop, you can. And its not attention seeking to ask for help, its being brave and understanding that you need to get help. Its not too late to stop having a bad adolesent hood, and you wont be wasting your life away if you get help.

[Spin]

@Hyper: That is a good idea. I might do that.

@Deathwishunknown: Well, it's not that I care about upsetting my family. They're part of the reason why I'm so insane. I'm just so afraid of death and the unknown that I can't end it all. Which I guess is a good thing. For some reason I feel a lot better about everything today than I did 3 days ago. It's so weird how I can go from being really down to okay in just a few days. :/ Hopefully sometime soon I'll be able to ask for help. And I know self-harm is a bad habit to pick me up but if I didn't do that than I might feel even worse than I do so it has helped somewhat, or atleast I think it has.

[1_21Guns]

Its not particularly strange you can go from being really down to feeling okay in a few days, i'm always doing that. And I think I know what you mean about not being that bothered about upsetting your family. I have a similar thing with my family being the ones who made me the way i am, its my friends i'm more bothered about hurting. Do try and get help, I've been told it helps alot, but I cant even bring myself to ask... I felt like that about SH before I stopped, then I stopped and realised I didnt need it as much as I thaught I did. Good luck with getting help and that.

[damn almonds]

i didnt even read it. i dont wanna hear it. i read the title and thats all. the title is ENOUGH! stop it, now! don't hate yourself. never hate yourself. dislike yourself as much as you want. dislike yourself with a fiery passion. i dont care. just dont hate yourself- never.

[dstnyisurs]

Sheila, I don't think that was a very helpful remark.
Spin, love, you can beat this. You know as much as the rest of us that this not-sp-wonderful thing we call depression has it's ups and downs. Right now you're in a down, but it will get better. Things will be happier. You'll see why life is worth it.
Because it is worth it. You can get past this, and once you do it'll be worth it because you'll be happy and enjoying life. This is just a rather large bump in the road, but you can over it and live your life to the fullest. Life is worth it because it offers us the chance to be whatever we want to be, to do whatever we want to do, and to experience true happiness.
You're not a coward. You're strong, so very very strong. It'll be hard asking for help, but look at how much better it will get if you do? Hyper is right. Try writing it down and giving it to your parents, or if you can't outright give it to them, leave it in a place where you know they will notice it and read it. You can do it. You can beat this. You're strong, I know you are. I have faith in you, love.

[Spin]

@Sheila: Yeah, maybe I didn't mean hate. I dunno, I was really angry that night.

@dstnyisurs: Thanks. That actually made me feel better. :)