Kathlynn_03
July 16th, 2009, 05:59 PM
This is a v.long post
I started to self harm last year in october. Things had been bad for a couple of months and eventually friends, school and family got on top of me. It got to the point where my head felt like it was going to explode. It made me feel physically sick. Morbid curiousity (and desperation) led to me 'trying out' cutting. And it worked.
It varied between being a release for pressure and a way to feel alive (sometimes rapidly) and it became a daily habit.
A few months later my friend problems began to settle down, we got rid of the people causing trouble and the group dynamics improved.
Although my self harm never stopped, the frequency and severity of it dropped, to the point where I could go for a couple of weeks at a time without it and only made a few new wounds at a time.
Anyway, the point is (finally) that I think it's beginning to get worse again. I've just self harmed three days in a row, on my arms (which is my preferred place when i'm looking to do some damage) and on top of that, it's exaggerating some of my other problems.
My friends all know, but they think that I have stopped and the only two that I can discuss it with, I can't tell because they have been to hell and back in the past two years and I don't want to add to their problems or see their dissapointment. Equally, I think I dread that they might not care and that I'm not important.
And also, during the incident that I think may have triggered this ( Drunken breakdown ) they both expressed their happiness (afterwards, not while we were all hammered :P) that I had stopped.
I think one friend is aware I've started again but she is very uncomfortable around stuff like this (which must be awkward, as she's the only one in the group that hasn't had problems like this). Careless responses by her have nearly got her neck wrung multiple times by various people. At least I know she won't mention it.
I don't think I can deal with returning to how I was. I can barely remember the past year, I was that out of it. Hell, I can barely remember the past month.
... I think I might need help, but I'm unsure of how to approach getting it.
I can't tell my parents. At all.
And I don't want to go to the doctors, because I'm terrified that I'll either be laughed out of there or that'll... I suppose i'm scared that'll i'll actually have to get help... :confused: I've just managed to confuse myself. I think that this was more of a vent than anything.
Sorry, this was long and a bit pointless. I'm not sure what i'm trying to achieve by posting this.
I started to self harm last year in october. Things had been bad for a couple of months and eventually friends, school and family got on top of me. It got to the point where my head felt like it was going to explode. It made me feel physically sick. Morbid curiousity (and desperation) led to me 'trying out' cutting. And it worked.
It varied between being a release for pressure and a way to feel alive (sometimes rapidly) and it became a daily habit.
A few months later my friend problems began to settle down, we got rid of the people causing trouble and the group dynamics improved.
Although my self harm never stopped, the frequency and severity of it dropped, to the point where I could go for a couple of weeks at a time without it and only made a few new wounds at a time.
Anyway, the point is (finally) that I think it's beginning to get worse again. I've just self harmed three days in a row, on my arms (which is my preferred place when i'm looking to do some damage) and on top of that, it's exaggerating some of my other problems.
My friends all know, but they think that I have stopped and the only two that I can discuss it with, I can't tell because they have been to hell and back in the past two years and I don't want to add to their problems or see their dissapointment. Equally, I think I dread that they might not care and that I'm not important.
And also, during the incident that I think may have triggered this ( Drunken breakdown ) they both expressed their happiness (afterwards, not while we were all hammered :P) that I had stopped.
I think one friend is aware I've started again but she is very uncomfortable around stuff like this (which must be awkward, as she's the only one in the group that hasn't had problems like this). Careless responses by her have nearly got her neck wrung multiple times by various people. At least I know she won't mention it.
I don't think I can deal with returning to how I was. I can barely remember the past year, I was that out of it. Hell, I can barely remember the past month.
... I think I might need help, but I'm unsure of how to approach getting it.
I can't tell my parents. At all.
And I don't want to go to the doctors, because I'm terrified that I'll either be laughed out of there or that'll... I suppose i'm scared that'll i'll actually have to get help... :confused: I've just managed to confuse myself. I think that this was more of a vent than anything.
Sorry, this was long and a bit pointless. I'm not sure what i'm trying to achieve by posting this.