And This Is It....

[MysticalBurrito]

I'm sick of everything going on now....
I promised myself no more "crash diets" yet I go back....Every f*cking time....
I'm counting my calorie intake to less than 1000-800 everyday....
It's finally taking affect....I'm more tired then I've been in years
I'm not sleeping well either I'll wake up at 4am stay up till 6am go back to sleep till almost 12-1pm
I hate it.
I hate this cycle....Over and over and over....It's sickening
I'll even count how many f*cking blueberries I eat.
Then at dinner time my parents have been working outside so I lie to them and say I ate 20 minutes ago....
I'm wasting the days away slowly....Worrying about loosing weight, planing my life, and the thought of killing myself....
Every night I get nightmares....leading to me not being able to close my eyes without being scared
In the morning I can barely drag myself out of bed to face another freaking day....
I miss cutting.... I miss the release I would get....
The pain was what kept me sane :(
But at the same time I hate the cutting and don't want to go back.
I don't want to risk my life for something so....worthless.
I no longer have a way to get my emotions out....
My poetry I write sucks
I don't even open up to the counselor....My dads always in the room I don't want to talk to him or her about how I've been feeling....
I scare myself....
I've been so depressed....
The counselor recommended medicines for depression my answer was "No I don't need medicine"
:(
All I know is I can't last another day this tired or shitty feeling....
I feel so alone all the time....I distanced myself from my family....I have no one and I don't need anyone....That's my attitude towards life....
I'm ready to give up....But I don't want to give up at the same time....I know what I want to do with my life but it's so far away....

[Triceratops]

:hug3:
Restricting your calorie intake is doing nothing for you and it's making you even more tired and grouchy. Start by eating more to satisfy yourself and you may see an improvement in your moods. If you are concerned about losing weight make sure to eat more fulfilling and low-calorie foods and take regular exercise. Exercise is also good for negative moods, as it releases the endorphins making you feel a lot less down in the dumps.

I'm so glad you don't want to return to cutting, just knowing that you realise that it's bad for you and that it's putting yourself at danger already tells me that you are sensible and strong enough to overcome this.

If you truly want these depressing emotions to disappear then please listen to your couselor and consider taking the medicine, they are trying to help you on your way to a more positive attitude to life and listening to them will make things a whole lot easier for yourself instead of denying and refusing it. It may be hard to accept that you need medication but it's only going to make things better. I can totally understand that you don't want your dad with you in counselling sessions, I would never want my parents with me either. Try asking your dad politely that you feel more comfortable talking to the counselor alone, no hard feelings. I'm sure he'll understand.

If you need anything please PM me. I am happy to help, or just to listen to you. I am here for you.
Just rant, scream, let it all out if it makes you feel any better. :)
Good luck. <3