At a loss of what to do...

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Hey, its my first post here so I'll give some background info as I go along...

What can I say? I've been harming from the age of about 12, I'm coming up for 16 now. I don't know why I do it, I've had a good life so far. The only bad thing is that my dad left when I was 10 and I barely see him, by his choice. And then I lost a few family members close after, one to death, the others moved to the USA.

Anyway, over the years I've slowly gotten worse with my harming, it started pretty simple and nothing too serious, but its gotten a lot worse. I was once able to tell my friends but now I've pretty much stopped. I told them before because I knew they didn't like it and I thought it would make me stop, when I didn't I stopped telling them, knowing my theory was wrong. And now I hate most of my friends, as odd as that sounds.

I only felt able to tell about 5 of the people I know. Even those 5 have been reduced. Two of them I would tell and instead of actually seeming to care they would go on about their harming, and how it was worse, as if it was a compitition to harm the worse. The other one I sorta drifted from slightly and I didn't want to bother him with my petty problems, I also drifted from another as she got a new group of friends. The last just didn't seem care.

For about the last month I've been feeling like crap. I've stopped going out to hang with friends, I just stay in the house. I find sleeping hard and have to force myself to eat now. It takes me about an hour to actually get to sleep once in bed, and I find the very idea of getting out of bed overwhelming. I oversleep because I refuse to get up, and as I'm on holiday from school I can. My sleep is always really broken too and I wake up feeling like I've barely slept...

As for my cutting I'm doing it a lot more and always where I know nobody besides my few friends who know will see. A few weeks ago I cut about three days in a row. I try not to tell anyone.

On top of my bad mood I'm beginning to like a guy, and I have always been useless with guys, always liking the wrong ones. Yet again I have. I'm liking a friend, Bond, and he's been with his girlfriend for ages. Although he's not sure if he wants to be with her... But that's another story.

I'm been to counselling before but I refused to tell her anything about my harming. I can't talk about it in person and find it hard to be in a room with someone who knows why. I don't want to go back because my mum would need to take me there and I don't want to panic her that there is something wrong with me by asking her to make me an appointment.

[Atonement]

I very very very highly suggest you first talk to a counselor at school. They can sit down and talk to your mom with you. Or, just tell you mom that you feel depressed and she can get you hooked back up with a therapist. You don't need to tell your mom about the self harm, at least, yet. But for sure, get to therapy. Then, after explaining why you're there with depression, say there is more that you find hard to talk about and you would rather write it in a letter. Then, go home, and the next session or between the next session, give her the letter, let her read it in another room, then gently discuss what is need. It should be an easier adjustment to the openness.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I suppose your right, my problem is myself, because I hate myself so much I don't feel that I deserve help. I tell myself that I deserve to be like this and suffer, and because I've done that for ages telling myself any different feels like a lie. I find it hard to tell my mum how I feel about all this because I know she is easily panicked. How do I tell her?

[dstnyisurs]

Try telling her that you need her not to panic.
Sit down with her at one of the most un-stressful times you can, or try in a long car ride so that you don't have to look her in the eye, and she has to remain calm to drive properly.Tell her beforehand how you need her to act, and that you don't want her to panic, but you feel you may need therapy again. If you tell her how you need her to act, she'll be able to tailor to you better, and it may set in store for her that what you're about to tell her may stress her out so she may have a better time of controlling herself and her reactions. You don't have to tell her why, just that you feel you need therapy again.
I strongly encourage telling her why, because the more honest you can be with your mother, the better. Even though she may panick, it is only a show that she loves you very much. A mother like that is a god send to have. It may be painful to tell her but once everything is in the open, she can understand you better and it will be easier for her to help you get the help you need to stop cutting.
Hope I helped. (:

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I know sorta what I could say to get her to get me an appointment, but whenever I try to tell her, or at least hint to it, I don't know what to say or she doesn't take the hint.

[Project Delta]

Seems like the other two have given good advice. Take it! And take care of yourself . I'll continue on MSN

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I will take it, I'm just going to try and figure out when would be best to tell her.