1_21Guns
July 12th, 2009, 09:00 AM
Maybe you've read my other posts, but maybe not, so for what its worth, I'll breifly explain again,
Well, ive had alot of family problems, been verbally and emotionally abused, both by my own father and by the kids at school. Been suicidal, Self harmed, and stopped. But, like I mentioned in one of my other posts, my friend hasnt been well, at all, and yesterday she overdosed, then asked me "how long till I start dieing" she said her intention wasnt to die at all, but the whole topic was hard for me to deal with, as I nearly died of an overdose a couple of years back. Luckily my friend was sleeping over, if it wasnt for her, i'd of broken down and let go there and then. Walking down the road to clear our heads, I started crying and almost ended up in a heap on the floor. My friends fine, or she will be. But now its me i'm worried about, I dont want to slip back into being suicidal, it was hard for me then, and I dont want to feel like that again. But I cant help it anymore, i'm too weak. I'm lieing to everyone, including myself and trying to hold on to something thats slipping away from me. What am I supposed to do when I finally lose hope? Because I know its not going to take long now. I keep thinking to myself, you dont want to cut, you dont want to die, yet im still left with this doubt in my mind of, do i? I've been scared of myself and what I could do to myself for a long time, but not as scared as this. I'm blaming myself for anything and everything I can, including my friends overdose, as I told her about my own, and that I came out alive. I'm finding any reason to make myself feel worse. I'm always on the verge of a breakdown, on the verge of losing it, and on the verge of giving up once and for all. Nobody knows how hard its getting for me, and I cant tell anyone, I cant.
Well, ive had alot of family problems, been verbally and emotionally abused, both by my own father and by the kids at school. Been suicidal, Self harmed, and stopped. But, like I mentioned in one of my other posts, my friend hasnt been well, at all, and yesterday she overdosed, then asked me "how long till I start dieing" she said her intention wasnt to die at all, but the whole topic was hard for me to deal with, as I nearly died of an overdose a couple of years back. Luckily my friend was sleeping over, if it wasnt for her, i'd of broken down and let go there and then. Walking down the road to clear our heads, I started crying and almost ended up in a heap on the floor. My friends fine, or she will be. But now its me i'm worried about, I dont want to slip back into being suicidal, it was hard for me then, and I dont want to feel like that again. But I cant help it anymore, i'm too weak. I'm lieing to everyone, including myself and trying to hold on to something thats slipping away from me. What am I supposed to do when I finally lose hope? Because I know its not going to take long now. I keep thinking to myself, you dont want to cut, you dont want to die, yet im still left with this doubt in my mind of, do i? I've been scared of myself and what I could do to myself for a long time, but not as scared as this. I'm blaming myself for anything and everything I can, including my friends overdose, as I told her about my own, and that I came out alive. I'm finding any reason to make myself feel worse. I'm always on the verge of a breakdown, on the verge of losing it, and on the verge of giving up once and for all. Nobody knows how hard its getting for me, and I cant tell anyone, I cant.