It hurts.

[Never_Forget]

Why is life so painful?
I don't understand why nobody likes me, why they all reject me...
Sure I'm weird, and sure I have a strange laugh, but it hurts.
People say they 'hate' school or they 'hate' their life or their parents (people that I know in real life, because I know some people on VT actually do), but none of them understand what hate is. Nobody understands how much I want to cry every morning when I get up. Nobody knows how hard it is for me to socialize.
When the teacher tells us to get into groups, I just want to melt into the floor. I sit and stare blankly at the wall, I pretend I don't know what's going on, but I do. I know that nobody wants me in their group. I know that people don't want to be seen with me.
None of them understand what hate is. Nobody knows that the real reason I turn my head away is because I don't want people to see me cry.
What makes it worse is that people who I once thought of as friends turn around and make the pain worse. Nobody knows that I really do mean all those words I say, how I say I want them to die, to suffer, that they're absolute assholes who deserve nothing better than to rot in hell for all of eternity.

People always ask, 'Sam, why do you never go out?'. It's because I want nothing better than to curl up in a corner and die whenever people look at me. Because the eyes I see aren't pitying, empathic, or friendly. The way they look at me is all I need to know.
Do they think I don't know what they say behind my back? Do they think I don't know what they spread? Do they think I'm deaf, that I turn a blind eye to the world that I hate so much?
Do they think I'm made of rubber, that these things bounce off me? That the intentions behind the words don't penetrate?

All I've ever wanted is a normal life.
I never wanted this.
It's not fair.
All I've ever known is pain and sorrow. Those truly close to me gone, or changed.

I always considered him my best friend, I loved him so much.
Does he think I don't hear him?
Does he know that even though he causes the most pain of all, I still love him? That I'm clutching to the last thing I have left in this pitiful world?


I want to be like the other people. I want to be normal.

I don't want to be this.

Everyone else is so happy.
My smiles are a mask to hide what lies beneath.
Sometimes I think that all my weirdness, my joy, is there just to suppress the wellspring of hate and sadness inside me.

I don't know what to do anymore.
It's confusing.
It's stupid.
It hurts.

Thank-you for taking your time to read this, wrote in hopes that someone might understand.

Edit: This applies to 99% of people. Not everyone.

[DrkZ90]

HI there

Sorry that you are feeling like that, I really understand what you mean, cause I feel pretty much the same... are you sure you aren't me?

[Hyper]

If you hate life and want to die then all the people who laughed at you, told you every day you are worthless, hurt you for jokes and so on.. Well then they've won

The only possible reasons I could think of to keep living and not to curl up in a ball and die somewhere in a corner, sobbing and giving up on everything

Is because I didn't want every cruel, childish, coward, bastard to brush my life off as some sort of little joke like ''your a fag''

And somewhere in my life and everyones life there is or atleast once was something really good and happy.. Another thing I couldn't bear the thought of was letting all of those bastards enjoy life while I let their cruelty demolish mine

Its the shittiest place to be in and one of the most unfair - other peoples mindless hatred, reasonless following of others on bashing the weird, funny looking, different kid and hurting him every day, making him feel like shit.. While also the truth is that somebody can only make you weak if you let them.

Rising above it takes something none of those assholes have and it takes time, nothing happens overnight like in a movie..

Tough skin, accepting yourself, being yourself, even tougher skin, guts thats what it'll take to get out of the melted crap your in.. Its been 3 years since I've gotten away from being called a worthless piece of shit everyday, physically harmed everyday and so on ( and went on for 7 years )

I'm still not what you'd say ''normal'' I'm still hurt but above all else I'm still who I am and I've worked hard on myself to be happy and I've succeeded with varying success

I wish you a lot of strength..

[Never_Forget]

@DrkZ90 I'm sure. [:

@Hyper thanks..