her death is still on my conscience

[infextus disease]

so this happened a few years ago n some of my friends know about it but basiacly a few years ago, just before freshman year my friend katy killed herself. and the reason i feel guilty is, i could have stopped her and i didnt. so basically i was dealin wiht my own shitty life that summer from other things, her n i had been buds for some time. n well i was just watchin some tv n she called me in tears talkin about killin herself, and i dont know what the hell i was thinking. i told her i was busy. I WAS WATCHING TV! i found out a few days later from her friend that she killed herself. i still blame myself for not doin more then, n ive been trying to do more since. and maybe its cuz of how my mom used to treat me... but w/e i do to help somone is never good enough for me.

[TheWizard]

Man that sounds hard. The only thing you can do is leran from it and go on. Maybe you can help people on VT who are thinking about killing themselves. Its a way to help others so they don't end up like you.

You have to move on and VT is a good place to start.

[infextus disease]

its a thing of ive tried... ive tried to help people get better... but once they do then im with out my fix. n for a while after helping people n having them leave my life i basicaly started things remotly.. like people didnt realize that i was instigating stuff and i know that isnt healthy. and then i was also always atracted to depressed girls or girls whove been through tough/traumatizing stuff. its like its one thing for me to have been through this shit n tryin to help others.. but for me its like a drug. so what am i suposed to do? be depressed on my own and hope for the best? or am i suposed to help everyone i can and put my life on ignore? or something completely else? im just really in need of some advice here... cuz i dont think ima live long if i feel like shit everyday.. n i know i didnt kill her... but ididnt stop her either...n just grrrr... its so freakin confsing somedays.

[nannichick]

i feel so sorry for you it shouldnt of had happen but it did and you need to coop with it it wasnt youre fault she did you didnt kill her now did you?... no so yes it hurts been there done that but you NEED to move on because she will still be in your heart.

[nannichick]

you shouldnt hang out with depressed people like you and i try to hang with people who are mostly cheerful to hopely get over it.

[infextus disease]

idk im just not as good at "absorbing" other peoples emotions... like it doesnt make me depressed when im around depressed people or happy when im around happy people.. i just am waht i am.

one thing that i did gain from her death is to never ignore a cry of help even if i dont like the person i do what i can.... it just never seems like its enough, but then again maybe im just being whiny... yeah prolly it