Makes No Sense

[guacamole24]

Over the past school year, and especially this summer so far, I have realized how much of a mess my life is. I've come to the point where I look at other people and envy their situations.

My main issue with myself is that I'm am bisexual or gay. I haven't figured it out yet. But I sure as heck know that I'm not straight. That's the thing I envy most about people I know. They're all straight... or that's how they identify themselves. Contrary to some people's beliefs, being gay is in no way a choice. You're born with it. Because, if it was a choice, who in their right mind would choose to be gay if they knew they would have to put up with gay bashing and other issues homosexuals have to deal with all over the world? I know I wouldn't. Is being heterosexual a choice?...

I would give almost anything to be heterosexual. Nobody that I know knows that I'm gay yet, so I don't have to put up with bashing yet, but it's hard enough already dealing with myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder why I had to be like this. How am I supposed to tell people this?

A big factor is that my ambition is to be a musician when I get older. A musician in the industry. And with the type of music I do, if someone knows that you're gay, you can get killed. You get verbal abuse by everyone, or you can get killed. Why can't I live a fair life like every other straight person on the planet?

And as if things aren't bad enough for me, I have been to the doctor's office twice in the past two weeks. First of all, I suspect I'm a hypochondriac (hypochondria(sis) is basically where you get way to worried about your health, and often think things are wrong with you that aren't), second of all, I have had major sinus issues, causing in the speeding up of my heart beat, which is only made worse by worry, and third of all, my lower area (sexual area) has been hurting. I went to doctor, he checked me out, and he said I was normal. He said it was all just puberty, but I don't know. I really don't.

Basically the only things that keep me from going off the deep end is my family and my music. Luckily, I have the best mom & dad in the world, and the best pets. I don't have any siblings, though, so I get kinda lonely. That's where music comes in. Music is my life. I'm a singer, music producer, writer, pianist, and aspiring drummer. If I have a spare moment in the day (which I usually), you can find me up in my room making music. So love from my parents and music are what keep me sane.

Thanks for reading.

[Sapphire]

:hug3:
I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with all of this.
My first piece of advice is to try to calm down. Take yourself away from everything and just concentrate on breathing deeply.

Secondly, try to stop worrying about things that you don't have to deal with atm. Gay bashing isn't something that you need to worry about now so stressing yourself out about it is rather redundant and a waste of energy.

If you have legitimate reasons for going to to doctors (e.g. unexplained pain, sinus troubles and quickened heart beat) then you aren't a hypochondriac.

It's great that you have your music and a loving home. That will be of great help to you. Take care

[byee]

Hi Zack.

First, I'm really glad that you have supportive and loving parents (and pets!), and you find satisfaction in your music. That's important, it balances (or at least makes mroe tolerable) the other *stuff* in your life.

Second, how exactly have you determined that, at 13, you're gay? I don't doubt you feel 'different', but so much of what you feel at 13 is still unclear and largely related to the onset of puberty. Maybe we could talk more about that? Can you say a little bit more about the process you went thru in determining this about yourself?

[guacamole24]

Thank you Sapphire & IAMSAM.


How exactly have you determined that, at 13, you're gay? I don't doubt you feel 'different', but so much of what you feel at 13 is still unclear and largely related to the onset of puberty. Maybe we could talk more about that? Can you say a little bit more about the process you went thru in determining this about yourself?

Well, I do feel different from everyone else, but that's not really what made up my mind. Every since I was REALLY young, males have been WAY more intriguing than females where body parts are concerned. I constantly, all the way throughout grade school, found my self looking at males' body parts. Late in grade school, I started masturbating. I ONLY masturbate about boys, and NEVER have I masturbated about a girl. And I got even MORE attracted to males when I hit middle school, when puberty really started kicking in. I started liking the whole male body. And I've never really looked at it this way with girls...

Feel free to ask questions.

[Sapphire]

Are you interested in dating males as well as the sexual side of it?

[guacamole24]

Well, I've never dated before... but I think it'd be a little easier to date a male, but I could see myself with a female.

[byee]

Zack, there's a lot more to sexuality than what you like to look at or what you're most interested in, or what's arousing to you. It's about how you see and experience yourself, and guys, and girls, and most importantly, who you feel closest with and who you feel emotionally safest with and most bonded to. I know that's a lot, so here's a couple of quick and dirty questions: When you didn't feel well as a kid, who did you wake up and what was their response to you? Also, when you achieved something, who did you tell and what was their response to that, too?.

Personally, I think there's a lot that goes into how we see ourselves and what our ultimate sexuality is, too much to go into here. The difficulty is that at 13 it's very easy to misinterpret the signals, b/c everything is arousing, yet it's really the result of biology, those hormones, rather than the far more important emotional factors like intimacy and trust, which ultimately determine sexuality.

If you can see yourself with a woman, then you aren't gay. Gay's cannot/do not see or want that, it's not at all appealing to them. But that comes after a fair amount of experience and self awareness, not curiosity or arousal.

Give it some time, and maybe get involved with some people of both genders and see what comes up for you.

[guacamole24]

Thank you!

[YourFriend]

Thank you Sapphire & IAMSAM.



Well, I do feel different from everyone else, but that's not really what made up my mind. Every since I was REALLY young, males have been WAY more intriguing than females where body parts are concerned. I constantly, all the way throughout grade school, found my self looking at males' body parts. Late in grade school, I started masturbating. I ONLY masturbate about boys, and NEVER have I masturbated about a girl. And I got even MORE attracted to males when I hit middle school, when puberty really started kicking in. I started liking the whole male body. And I've never really looked at it this way with girls...

Feel free to ask questions.

in order to be gay/bi you have to be emotionally attrected to guys

[guacamole24]

Thank you.