My parents wont let me...

[zackF.]

There is a girl that always has my friends over including guys and girls. My parents will let me sometimes stay over there but most of the time they wont. I dont want to go out with any of the girls that stay over there either. Most of my friends are a year older than me and they will be leaving for college when the summer is over. If they stay over there and my parents wont let me stay there how will I be able to enjoy them before they all leave. My dad says it is immoral and some other stuff about me being 17 and staying at a girls house but I dont know. He also said something about the bible teaching lessons, but I sort of believe the bible to be fictitious. I really just want to enjoy my friends, I dont go over there to try and hook up with someone. Her parents are always there too and they dont let guys and girls sleep together, so I really dont see a problem with letting me stay there. Please give me some explanation as to why I should be able to stay there so I dont have to lie about where I am staying which is usually what it comes to. Thanks

[byee]

This is a tough one, Zack. You and your parents have a different set of values and a different understanding of how you should conduct yourself, and what that conduct means. So, it's not just about being at this or that house, it goes a bit deeper, how you and they work out your differences, esp when it involves what's probably a strong belief on both your parts.

I'd suggest you and they calmly sit down and discuss this by you starting and asking them to explain more fully what their concern is about your being over at this particular house. Hear them out, hear what they have to say, try to understand what it is they're responding to and what it is about this activity that bothers them. Then, calmly respond to them as you have here, omitting the references to your not accepting their values, etc, as that will only inflame them and distract from the real issue, which is conflict resolution. Instead, maybe let them know as you have here that you're not going to engage in anything 'immoral' and maybe also that you've learned from them well enough to not do those things anyway. Remind them that you only wish to be with your friends (who I assume they know and like) and that they're leaving soon and you just want to be with them before they leave. Also, let them know that their parents will be there, and that they are free to call.

This isn't the time to unravel your whole relationship with them and their value system and how it doesn't work for you. It works for them, Zack, and you have to find a way to avoid offending them by out right rejecting it, yet still work with it. And the way to do that is to state the facts plainly about the reasons for your wanting to be there, and gently rebutting their claims of 'immorality' by reminding them that you've paid attention to them all these years.

Most parents, even really straight laced conservative ones recognize that they have to let go a bit as their kids get older, if only to demonstrate to themselves that they did a good job. In your case, you just need to allay their anxiety, provide some reassurance, and also remind them that you've done nothing to this point to warrant their mistrust, and that this is important for you. Just don't get argumentative, they might need to think it over for a while after the convo.

By addressing their anxiety without attacking their values, you might get what you want here.

[Cromm]

Ask him, politely mind you, what the difference is between sleeping at a friends house were boys and girls are in separate rooms; and sleeping in a co-ed dorm?