Going back?

[nachtspiegel]

I have a new therapist. I worked with one from November until the sixteenth of this month. She left, and now I have a new one that I feel somewhat comfortable talking to. I have manic depression and I haven't been medicated since March. I keep going back and forth. Sometimes, I feel okay about the prospect of taking medication, and other times, I feel like I don't need it. It's all I can do to keep from flying off of the handle and ending up dead, and I know that I can't keep it together much longer. Suicide is always on my mind. I've been struggling with that for a long time and I always lied to my old therapist about it even though I felt like I could talk to her.
I have an appointment with my new therapist later today. I feel like I should tell her everything, but I'm pretty certain that I will end up back in an inpatient facility if I do, and right now would be the worst time for that : I work, and if I don't get my award letter for school today, I have to go get that straightened out soon.
I had a psych doctor for a few months, but I felt like I was under fire whenever I went into his office. I didn't like talking to him because he didn't listen.
I also feel bad for feeling bad, if that makes any sense. I feel bad for feeling the need to get help in the first place when there are worse things going on in the world.

[Raize]

Just one thing, please use normal sized text, your post is very hard to read.

I think you should get back on your medicine and stay on. If that type doesn't work, try another. If you really think you'd be back in the facility, then don't tell her. Just stay on the medicine and help yourself.

There is no reason for you to give up. Keep trying! In the end, it will all work out.