How should I help my friend?

[Rolla7]

You see, he and his girlfriend had been going out for 4 years. They started going through a rough time awhile ago and they just broke up. He loved her, considered her THE one. So did she, at one point. He isn't handling it very well, though. He's become a lot more aggressive and has actually started stabbing himself in the heel with safety pins. He's also started taking his anger out on me and on other people, especially his ex-girlfriend. At one point, she came over and slapped him while we were in the pool for insulting her and they got into a fight, with him even kneeing her in the chest, albeit by accident. He was so angry he didn't care, though. Said he was tempted to just hold her under.

Now, to put it into perspective how much he loved her, he actually planned on proposing to her after school. He misses her so much, though. Said he can't ever stop crying every night, that he wants her back, and that he regrets everything he did.

I'm put into an awkward position by this, though. See, I'm friends with both of them, and while they've just barely salvaged their friendship, they still argue a lot, though not as much as they did before. I'm currently having to act as a go-between for both of them. I'd really like to help him though. He's even gotten suicidal. Said that he feels that if he was removed from the world, nobody would notice.

What should I do?

[peaceloverugby]

First of all, all talk of suicide should be taken extremely seriously. Believe me, I've attempted suicide four times, he might not just want attention.

All you can do for your friend is be there for him. He needs you right now, so don't push him away. But don't let him exploit/harrass you, but do give him a little slack.

I know how he feels, if you think he would like to talk to me because I've been there, my MSN is on my profile. If you need to talk, I'm always on.

[Blue63]

Well when acting as a go between, my best thing to say is try and keep the peace, you can't do much else.

Well if he says if he disappeared, no one would notice him, that doesn't sound really suicidal to me, it sounds like his confidence his shot. Try and talk him up, but don't be obvious about it (that could just piss him off more, he might feel your babying him) don't poke any fun at him, try and talk to him, do things he likes, and if you're playing a game, you might want to try and nonchalantly lose on purpose. I struggle with lack of confidence (well really no confidence) to, so I know the feelings of despair, a huge tidal wave just crashed over him and he doesn't know what the hell to do. What you need to do is be his friend, be her friend, now if he is hurt that bad, it may be best they don't get back together. However if you want to try and get them back, you know them better than I do, so go ahead and discreetly give it a go.

[Rolla7]

They went through tough times a few months ago and I ended up having to take them both to a movie to finally get them to like each other again.

Their both competitive people and she is extremely sensitive about things and tends to overreact. And I know he pretends to be happy in public and around his parents, but he's not. He puts up an act. Yesterday he left his work crying and ended up spending most of the night arguing with her. I'm concerned about what's going on. I've been asking his brother if he's been acting strangely, and he's told me that he spends most of his time shut up in his room.

I'm getting very concerned here. She's also now falsely accusing him of dating one of her friends. Uh, so much drama.

[byee]

4 years of 'going out' isn't just a relationship, it's dependence. Which as a teen isn't always such a good thing.

I think you need to do 2 things here: Provide a reality check, and set some limits.

Being in the middle isn't a good spot for you to be in. You need to tell them they have to get their acts together and deal with this situation better than they are, and not look to involve you, and certainly not threaten suicide, or engage in self harm. I'd also let them know that you're very concerned, so concerned that if they cannot show better judgement and self control that you're going to tell their parents so they can get them to professionals who can help them sort this out and let go.

I don't do teen drama real well, so when I find myself in the front row of a really action packed drama, I look to either change the scene or I get myself out of the theatre. Besides, what they're doing here isn't good for them, either, but they're apparently unable to see this and get themselves out of it. So, for all these reasons, I think the correct response is to shine a light on their dysfunctional relationship, and set some limits. And help them get out of this, either without adult supervision, or with it.

[Rolla7]

Well that might work for him at least. She seems mostly unaffected by it. Like she doesn't care about him anymore. It's really hitting him much harder then her.

I'd could try to tell the school counselor when school starts up again, but that might not work. Think I should try to tell a relationship counselor? Either way would get them to hate miy guts to do that.

i don't really think it's dysfunctional. Like I said, they were going out for 4 years, and they only started having trouble this year. The other 3 were completely normal. However, she is known to be extremely sensitive and tends to overreact to even the littlest things. She also jumps to conclusions a lot. Think that's what caused this mess.

I think I'm going to have to stay in the middle for now. They keep arguing without me being involved, but they don't seem to really talk to each other unless I'm the one telling the other person.

[kyle95]

i'd have a good talk with him mate. i don't know where he picked up the idea that its all right to verbally and physically abuse a girl. it's a wonder she even speaks 2 him. unless he tunes in to himself and makes immediate improvements in his behaviour and attitude, he's destined to be caught up in this vicious cycle. if he can abuse himself, he can abuse the girl. there's nothing u can do unless he's willing to seek help.

[TODAYisTHEday]

Well there is not much you can do. They have gotten physical which is a relationship has gone incredibly wrong, but if they love each other as much as you say they do then you should try and help. You should ask both of them whats up and what made the break up happen. Then you should ask them if they ever considered hanging out and getting together again. It would probably seem like a roller coaster at first but at the end of the ride it will probably end up at the bottom of the hill ready to smoothly go on with life.

As for the boy if he starts getting very suicidal (naming ways of killing himself, checking ot the places he says he wishes to do it..etc.etc.) then you should get worried and call 1-800-SUICIDE and get help. He does not want to die and he knows it. He just wants to find a way to make it better. He thinks that the only way to make it better is to get together with her again or kill himself. Which we don't want him to do. So yeah just talk to them both ease them and tell us what happens. Hope this helped!

[Rolla7]

Well, I guess I should put this text up. It might explain things.

"I don't want friends! I don't care! Nothing good comes out of it! Stupid rumors start and hearts get broken. Pointless."

Thats a text he sent me a few days ago.

They didn't get very physical at all really. The only physical thing that happened was the pool thing I told you about, and thats because he lost control. Normally he isn't at all like that. He said he was just so angry that she decided to break-up with him that he lost control. And she was the one who instigated it.

It's gotten a lot more complex, though. Apparently, one of her friends who also happens to be one of his friends had a falling out with her, not too long ago. Apparently, she's started a rumor saying that my friend kissed her during a movie while he was still going out with his ex. It started a little before she slapped him, and her younger sister told her. It may have been what made her slap him. To make matters worse, this girl is yelling at him for "ignoring" her.

By the way, I've tried asking what caused the break-up, but neither one is willing to tell me and they both say "None of your business". Apparently, her sister knows, but won't tell me either. Earlier this year, I managed to get them both back together when they were having a rough time by having them sit next to each other at a movie. It actually worked. I may have to do something similar this time.

I think he's clearly depressed though. I mean, he's withdrawn, starts crying for no apparent reason, he gets irritated easily, and he's lost interest in everything he likes. He's told me he's tried everything to make himself happy and that nothing works. He doesn't even want to be around friends anymore. He even told me that nothing helps, that everyone is against him, and that he doesn't want help. That's when I got the text above. I actually sympathize with him. He has two girls yelling at him, I'm seemingly the only one who cares and wants to help, and he feels like he blew it with the one girl he loved.

Something else I should tell you is that he doesn't like to confide in anyone because "it's none of their business". I can't very well help if I don't know whats bugging him, what he's feeling, or what he thinks. He wants to stay a closed book. I've been trying to do something with him that might make him feel better but every time I try, he says it won't work and tells me to just give up.I really feel very sorry for him. :(

I don't know what to do.:(

[Blue63]

Well, I guess I should put this text up. It might explain things.

"I don't want friends! I don't care! Nothing good comes out of it! Stupid rumors start and hearts get broken. Pointless."

Thats a text he sent me a few days ago.

They didn't get very physical at all really. The only physical thing that happened was the pool thing I told you about, and thats because he lost control. Normally he isn't at all like that. He said he was just so angry that she decided to break-up with him that he lost control. And she was the one who instigated it.

It's gotten a lot more complex, though. Apparently, one of her friends who also happens to be one of his friends had a falling out with her, not too long ago. Apparently, she's started a rumor saying that my friend kissed her during a movie while he was still going out with his ex. It started a little before she slapped him, and her younger sister told her. It may have been what made her slap him. To make matters worse, this girl is yelling at him for "ignoring" her.

By the way, I've tried asking what caused the break-up, but neither one is willing to tell me and they both say "None of your business". Apparently, her sister knows, but won't tell me either. Earlier this year, I managed to get them both back together when they were having a rough time by having them sit next to each other at a movie. It actually worked. I may have to do something similar this time.

I think he's clearly depressed though. I mean, he's withdrawn, starts crying for no apparent reason, he gets irritated easily, and he's lost interest in everything he likes. He's told me he's tried everything to make himself happy and that nothing works. He doesn't even want to be around friends anymore. He even told me that nothing helps, that everyone is against him, and that he doesn't want help. That's when I got the text above. I actually sympathize with him. He has two girls yelling at him, I'm seemingly the only one who cares and wants to help, and he feels like he blew it with the one girl he loved.

Something else I should tell you is that he doesn't like to confide in anyone because "it's none of their business". I can't very well help if I don't know whats bugging him, what he's feeling, or what he thinks. He wants to stay a closed book. I've been trying to do something with him that might make him feel better but every time I try, he says it won't work and tells me to just give up.I really feel very sorry for him. :(

I don't know what to do.:(

Wow, what a situation, it sounds like theres nothing you can do. He needs to sort this out with himself, getting them back together doesn't sound smart right now, you just have to help him get over her.

If I were you, I'd send him a text/call him and say, "I know you're going through a rough time right now, there's nothing I can really do to help, you need to sort this out on your own. I know you miss her and you love her, but you need to try and move on, have some a lone time and try and get over her, but if you need absolutely anything let me know, I'll always be there for you." You just need to be upfront, it sounds like this is to broken to try and put back together, you just need to help them individually, the world will keep spinning.

Good luck!

[kyle95]

i've always been taught that expressing any emotion, is really a cry for attention. he wants something and he's hellbent on getting it. by acting out the way he is, he's basically saying, to hell with logic, i'm going to get my way - sounds more like a 2 yr old. it's time he grew up. suggest professional help, because they can see through his games and weaknesses.

[Rolla7]

So you think I should tell him that he's being a big baby, that he should grow up and get over it? I'm sorry, but that just seems like an asshole kind of thing to do, and really wouldn't be all that helpful.

He's calmed down slightly now. He isn't so desperate anymore, though he still misses her, and isn't quite back to being his own self.

[Aves]

This might seem cliche (btw i've used that word in a few post's today), but have an intervention. It would work.