nachtspiegel
June 25th, 2009, 10:39 PM
Okay, so, I wouldn't call this a mental breakdown, but it's a mental jumble at the very least.
I want to slice myself open so badly that I cannot stand it, but I know that I will be caught, and I will be locked back up in addition to having the dog piss beaten out of me, which gets me nowhere.
I want to scream and bang my head into a wall until I pass out. I don't have a bedroom to go into, so locking the door and letting loose my frustrations isn't an option anymore.
Here at my mother's (I refuse to call this place home,) I am continuously reminded of how self-absorbed and selfish I am. I'm a bad person because I'm trying to get on with my life. I need to get away from here before I lose control of my actions, but I have nowhere to go.
At work, I am constantly told (sometimes in certain and sometimes in not-so-certain) terms that I am too stupid to do my job. The shit isn't rocket science. I came so close to throwing a pan at my co-worker tonight because she had a constant stream of bad things to say about me.
In addition, "some guy" (I will explain his role later,) kept coming up to the counter and causing trouble and making false complaints about what I was doing, which didn't make things any better. He was off of his face, but I didn't care.
To conclude, this manic depressive bullshit needs to take a hike. I need to be free of all of this mental shit. I'm tired of having flashbacks. I'm tired of being so unstable. I'm tired of being on two opposite spectrums from one relatively short time period to the next.
In the past, I have always lost control and unleashed it on myself. Hence the multitude of scars and multiple suicide attempts. This time, I feel like I am prone to losing control in whatever direction (and at whomever) my mind deems best at the moment I snap.
I'm fed up.
I want to slice myself open so badly that I cannot stand it, but I know that I will be caught, and I will be locked back up in addition to having the dog piss beaten out of me, which gets me nowhere.
I want to scream and bang my head into a wall until I pass out. I don't have a bedroom to go into, so locking the door and letting loose my frustrations isn't an option anymore.
Here at my mother's (I refuse to call this place home,) I am continuously reminded of how self-absorbed and selfish I am. I'm a bad person because I'm trying to get on with my life. I need to get away from here before I lose control of my actions, but I have nowhere to go.
At work, I am constantly told (sometimes in certain and sometimes in not-so-certain) terms that I am too stupid to do my job. The shit isn't rocket science. I came so close to throwing a pan at my co-worker tonight because she had a constant stream of bad things to say about me.
In addition, "some guy" (I will explain his role later,) kept coming up to the counter and causing trouble and making false complaints about what I was doing, which didn't make things any better. He was off of his face, but I didn't care.
To conclude, this manic depressive bullshit needs to take a hike. I need to be free of all of this mental shit. I'm tired of having flashbacks. I'm tired of being so unstable. I'm tired of being on two opposite spectrums from one relatively short time period to the next.
In the past, I have always lost control and unleashed it on myself. Hence the multitude of scars and multiple suicide attempts. This time, I feel like I am prone to losing control in whatever direction (and at whomever) my mind deems best at the moment I snap.
I'm fed up.