Rants

[millymollymandy]

I really need someone to talk to right now. I'm tired, really. Tired of working hard at everything i do. Tired of dealing with other people's judgements. Tired of fighting. Tired of just everything. At times i wish i didn't care so much about things. Then i wouldn't have to worry about whether or not my cutting would disappoint other people. Then i could just cut up my arms and not care about whether i could stop the bleeding or not. I am so very sick of trying to live up to expectations. Especially my own. The idea of death doesn't scare me much. It's the idea of more pain and missed opportunities, i think, that deters me. I feel like i always seem to be forced to hold myself together, when all i want to do is breakdown, cry, and scream until i can't scream anymore. I want to be able to breakdown and not have to answer people when they ask whats wrong. Sometimes i wish people would just stop asking me if i'm okay and just know already that i'm really not. I'm also worried that my eating disorder is getting worse. I detest everything about myself a lot more than i used to, and that i don't look good enough. A lot of the time i feel guilty for eating something that i know isn't healthy, when i never used to care. I can't talk to anyone about it because they'll get upset and yell at me and tell me i'm nowhere near fat. On a couple of occasions i felt so guilty for eating something that i made myself throw it up. I feel so miserable lately, and i don't know how to fix it. Or how to fix myself. I feel so broken.

[MadManWithaBox]

feel free to pm me at anytime you need to rant, or talk. you seem like such a nice person , and i understand part of what you're about suicide . hang in there , there's always something worth fighting for. and remember to feel free to pm me at anytime

[Truth]

Im here to talk, if you want anyways. Just PM or msn. I hope you feel better, it must be hard to si and have a disorder, i know how it feels to have to answer everyone, but ignoring people also helps some times.

[Banana_eats_apple]

awww, sorry if i'm making you feel bad, i just care you see, but i will try to be less envolved if you wish- just ask how you are etc..and not have you done it again...

I hope you are feeling okay today. praying for you- hope to see you at school

[BuryYourFlame]

:( if you ever wanna talk, rant or anything else, just send me a PM :) (im sure the other mods would be more than happy to talk as well).

maybe it would be a good idea to tell your friends how you feel?

i hope you're feelin better...

[millymollymandy]

thanks, sorry for the late reply
i had to go to the hospital (for a emergancy case) then was later transferred to a inpaitent unit.

[BuryYourFlame]

:( how you doin now?

[millymollymandy]

well, i'm getting there *fingers crossed* i'm still at the unit, but has finally been allowed my phone, hence why i can be on here :) and to go home for visits yay!

Been quite suicidal though, and i feel too fat, the unit keeps making me hit targets or something bad will happen.

[Triceratops]

I understand how you feel, in fact, I know how you feel. I'm also somewhat in the same boat as you are.

It helps to just rant and scream it all out sometimes, or to talk to someone, so then it's comforting to know that someone is there for you and willing to do their best to listen and support you. Knowing that someone cares helps a hell of a lot.

If you want to PM me, feel free.<3

[millymollymandy]

yes i know and totally agree with you, but sometimes it is hard to rant to/ or tell someone, as you always get that feeling that they can't do anything about it, and that why should you tell them as it is going to make them feel guilty if they can't help. The truth is when you know what the right things are but you just can't do it. Like i know i should eat more but i just can't, my mind is telling me not to. So then i suppose to solve a problem or let of steam i let it of on myself.

[Hyper]

yes i know and totally agree with you, but sometimes it is hard to rant to/ or tell someone, as you always get that feeling that they can't do anything about it, and that why should you tell them as it is going to make them feel guilty if they can't help. The truth is when you know what the right things are but you just can't do it. Like i know i should eat more but i just can't, my mind is telling me not to. So then i suppose to solve a problem or let of steam i let it of on myself.

I must admit you're shockingly honest with yourself, considering the problems you have, except for one thing

Using the ''just can't do it'' if you know whats wrong and what to do to make it right, even if just a little, it isn't about possibility its about starting on that path and staying on it.

Its harder to fix broken things than break them. That truth of life is multiplied atleast 2x when dealing with people and human emotions..

But regardless of how hard it is you just have to move to make things change.